2024 FEDEX CUP PREVIEW
The Road Starts Here…

JEFF LEGGE- Now I can’t predict the next Microsoft, Apple or Bruce Jenner…but I can predict this. Since entering and re-entering the KWGA, our “Third Legge” has yet to win a tournament. The streak has spanned a full decade now notwithstanding a 4 year hiatus to fertilize eggs at the Berwick Legion or some other untoward destination. So this season I am predicting…the streak continues. The biggest factors involved are just how much will he play and does he even know we are keeping score? We keep waiting for this shit larvae to break out of its mushy outer membrane and become a shitterpillar. He may not have great hair anymore but he does have a 15 handicap working in his favour and one day, one day out there, he may just catch fire, shoot a 77 from yesteryear,and send me home eating my words. But I’ve eaten worse in my life. Everyone cheers for The Third Legge like a weekend at the Special Olympics. It’s contagious and good for the soul. “I can’t control what people think or say about me.” said Third Legge as he struggled with the online tee time reservation system. “I know I have done many things wrong in my KWGA careerbut they can never say I couldn’t absorb punches. It’s a great quality to have when you are 5’5.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 26
2022- DNP
2021- DNP
2020- DNP
2019- 27
2018- 26
2017- 19
2016- 22
2015- 19
2014- 9
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 819.83 (24th)
2024 Prediction- 28th

NICK LEVY- You don’t get a nickname like Captain Shitacular for no reason. When this man shows up, something spectacular is going to happen, whether it be a win…or a busted sewer main of a round, reversing into your home. He racked up three Top 3 finishes last season in just 5 events. What does this all mean? If he played a full schedule, we’d be talking about him in the same light that people talk about HAMAS…destruction. In other words, guys would be pissed. However, too many KWGA Saturdays he can be seen driving PAST the course in his company van, or on his way to a rink that is inexplicably open in July. Word has it his sons will be formally applying for entry into the KWGA when they turn 18. “I can neither confirm or deny that rumour.” said Shitacular as he tested some live wiring on his chest hair, “Those boys are going to be better at golf than me pretty soon. I just hope whatever they choose they stop waking me up in the middle of the night with their finger under my nose. That’s more annoying than shanking one off 13 tee. By the way…both have happened.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 23
2022- 21
2021- 22
2020- 21
2019- 23
2018- 23
2017- 21
2016- 23
2015- 20
2014- 15
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 821.47 (23rd)
2024 Prediction- 27th

BOB TRAINOR- A nagging back injury meant a balky golf game…and some restless nights at Abode Mary in 2023. Off-season surgery seems to have rejuvenated the KWGA’s left guard to the point where you can now even see him skipping down Main Street Wolfville with a unisex colored backpack. Will this translate to FEDEX Cup success in 2024? If he played more and didn’t take weeks off hosting silly “Dungeons and Dragons” parties in his basement bar, or flip off to the UK for the first 5 weeks of the KWGA season then I would say yes. The reality is that Bobby Clobber’s chances of success, unlike his business and other sports endeavors, are limited because he can’t bully his way to victory in the KWGA. Expect a few flashes from Clobber this year, just don’t expect him to make the playoffs…just like his Habs.
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 20
2022- 19
2021- 18
2020- 7
2019- 4
2018- 17
2017- 23
2016- DNP
2015- 26
2014- 22
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 938.25 (20th)
2024 Prediction- 26th

MARTIN SUTER- Without question the league’s most mysterious man. Just where did he come from? Where does he disappear to random weeks during the summer? Just what did he do to deserve a yard that only Mr. Miyagi would be jealous of? How does someone with his handicap make an ace? All good questions I say. What we do know is that he is quietly competitive, tries hard on every shot…and swallows bitter pills like 8’s and 9’s on his scorecard like a champ. His game can be precise and calculated for 4-5 holes, then, nout of nowhere, it’s like a skunk mated with a ten week old piece of donair meat stored in the trunk of a car on a hot summer’s day. “Don’t ask me to explain that. It’s messy and it stinks. Everyone has characteristics and idiosyncrasies in their game.” said Caddyshack as he clipped branches from his bonsai trees littering his front yard. “My wife wouldn’t let me build a range or install a putting green on the property, so this is what I have to work with. It’s not funny. Of course I’d like to be accepted and one of the cool guys but it will just make it sweeter when, one day, I do make the playoffs.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 21
2022- 23
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 848.73 (21st)
2024 Prediction- 25th

GEOFF FLECKNELL- Mr. Fuji was on the precipice of qualifying for his first playoffs last season until missing three of the final four weeks of the regular season due to complications from a pulled motivator cuff. The family soccer trips cost him more than just league relevance, as some were calling for the removal of his “man card”. On a positive note, if the golf thing doesn’t work out, Fuji can always get a job at a Chinese restaurant. He enters 2024 as a long shot but stranger things have happened, like, one of his hairs being out of place. The last of the no hat wearing golfers, the KWGA’s Jason Day doppelganger has been a lady favorite on Tour since his arrival three seasons ago. Of course, if YOU had hair like his, you wouldn’t cover up either. “First, let’s get something out of the way. The Sheriff may brag all he wants about HIS hair, but we all know who wins that competition.” said a steadfast Fuji from his neighbour’s deck. “Second, I also play faster than anyone else in the league and I would appreciate everyone taking an extra second and freezing when it’s my turn to hit. I don’t know how many times I have heard guys telling old dating stories in my back swing. It’s ridiculous…and they don’t impress me.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 17
2022- 20
2021- 17
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,007.00 (17th)
2024 Prediction- 24th

RAY IVANY- If there is a man who has reason to be slightly embarrassed heading into 2024, it’s The Chancellor. So much was expected in 2023. What was to blame? I know one thing for sure, being called back from the Acadia bullpen to run a university is zero excuse, I mean, it can’t be THAT hard to do. The irony was that he still got to participate in the FEDEX Cup playoffs as first alternate after The Commissioner was forced to withdraw. An awkward, symbiotic relationship akin to flies on a freshly laid cow patty but he quickly and gladly gobbled up that patty of opportunity. This season he will have to do it on his own merit and so Sarasota, FL will serve as his off-season preparation grounds. “This is one upside of unexpected income…condos in Florida for 6 months.” said a smug yet smiling Chancellor. “As I look down on the KWGA serfdom, I will be doing whatever it takes to win in 2024. New guys, mainstays, it doesn’t matter. All serfs will realize why only one person is anointed a big desk in a corner office overlooking a KWGA wasteland of shit.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 13
2022- 6
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,196.83 (13th)
2024 Prediction-23rd

BOB MAXWELL- The hunter became the hunted last season, proving that having a dog, let alone chasing a dog, is a bad idea. The fractured ankle ended Maxwell-Smart’s 2023 season early and abruptly on the same day as The Commissioner’s. A cruel irony that saw both men staring at one another in the Valley Regional Hospital waiting room one sunny August evening. Not much has been heard or seen from him since, so just how well things have healed, and how long it will take him to shake off the rust is anyone’s guess. What we do know for sure is (a) the man can play and (b) Bud missed him. The former will help him in his quest for a title…while the latter can only give someone a case of liquid intestines. “Listen, enough shit talk. Playing again will be therapy for me. I think the league got a little too used to not having to deal with my 4 birdie rounds.” said a confident Maxwell-Smart as his neighboring son thankfully took his dog for a walk. “I learned a valuable lesson last summer, don’t ever take golf for granted…and never let Elmer Fudd alone in the woods…ever.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 22
2022- 15
2021- 14
2020- 13
2019- 16
2018- 5
2017- 17
2016- 11
2015- 17
2014- 4
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 835.33 (22nd)
2024 Prediction- 22nd

STEVE HEPBURN- There are a few things you need to know about this man before the balls get in the air, the man is an absolute kick pad and can absorb more punishment than George St. Pierre’s sparring partner, (b)  He has a $1,000 driver and ( c) HIS ball won’t get in the air 27.3% of the time. Now I am not trying to pick on him or degrade, it’s all just the truth. The least decorated of the three 2024 rookie class will be looking to finally have some sort of athletic success in his life and so I feel like Jesus giving him this opportunity, because where there was nothing…now there is something. “All I ever wanted was an opportunity.” said The Hedgehog from his neighbour’s backyard deck. “I have never and will never open up about my past failures in sports but I look forward to trampeling a few of the guys in this league this year. Kids teased me about my smile, limp and the way I threw a ball my whole life. This season I plan on making that all go away.”
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- N/A
2024 Prediction- 21st

KEVIN DICKIE- “Ricky Dickie’s” rookie year last season was an eventful one if nothing else. In his ten starts, he finished nine…with two Top 3’s. Fainting spells, clandestine trips to wheat fields in Scatchatoon and sword fights with The Chancellor seemed to derail a promising rookie year. The distractions all added up to strawberry shortcake drizzled in shit. It just doesn’t mix. He starts 2024 with renewed vigor and some time away to think about what could have been while no longer having to yell at refs from the stands of an arena. “I can’t blame anyone but myself. I am an independent contractor now with the ability to shop for my own groceries.” said a reserved Ricky-Dickie. “I have gourmet ingredients in my game, I can’t produce diarrhea in the standings again this season. In fact, I’m sick of shit.” 
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 18
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 990.08 (18th)
2024 Prediction- 20th

JOHNNY KENNY- When you think of cowboys, you think of men like John Wayne and Butch Cassidy. Men of grit and courage. Men that don’t know nuthin’ about pronouns or pulling punches. The KWGA’s Denim Cowboy IS one of those old school type of men…up to a point. His penchant for skipping golf Saturday’s to watch the flailing and diving that is European futbol with his dude crush Phil calls that into question. Too many seasons he has missed out on the playoffs by one or two starts, and unless UEFA folds in the next few months, you can bet on this happening again in 2024. The frustration level has reached a fever pitch in the Kenny Camp. “Everyone loves and cheers for The Cowboy. He is a lovable league character.” said a drifting off Commissioner. “But until he dumps Phil, missing the playoffs will continue to be a thing. He needs to realize Phil is only using him to see him in his underwear. It’s distressing.” 
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 15
2022- 22
2021- 16
2020- 3
2019- 12
2018- 11
2017- 16
2016- 15
2015- 22
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,102.97 (15th)
2024 Prediction- 19th

NICK CAREY- If Wasczcuk-Carey was a Chippendale dancer and not a golfer…his panties would be full of dollar bills and not anxiety induced skid marks…plus he wouldn’t have to plumb bob a two footer anymore. Just think of the reduced stress. Yet he keeps coming back for more every year trying to win a FEDEX Cup The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting a different result. A decade has passed and it’s been the same result. Under section 69, subsection (ddd) of the Canadian Mental Health Guide, I can officially declare this man insane. There will never be a FEDEX Cup title with his name on it and we all know it but it’s still fun to watch a man struggle and keep on trying. It’s like non-horvaculturists watching a documentary on sasprilla poisoning or a 3-legged platypus, it’s all a bit difficult to follow. “At least I am more entertaining than CPAC or PBS TV.” said a matter-of-fact Carey as he stood on his tippy toes trying to see over his kitchen island. “It’s the KWGA. Where else could a guy like me be around real athletes and compete at golf?”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 24
2022- 18
2021- 5
2020- 17
2019- 14
2018- 20
2017- 13
2016- 19
2015- 16
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 819.83 (24th)
2024 Prediction- 18th

KEVIN NEWCOMBE– “Just get in the vehicle, Kevin.” Perhaps no phrase has compromised one man from winning a FEDEX Cup title more than it has for The Hunchback, whose incessant, unnecessary trips to Cape Breton and Yarmouth during peak golf season make about as much sense as a porcupine building its nest in the middle of Highway 101…or letting your pet lick your head. The shame of it all is he recaptured his game in 2023, an “Awakening” not seen since the Robert De Niro & Robin Williams classic film of 1990. This season will let us all know if the window of stellar golf was a short one…or if it lingers long into his wonderful, aimless retirement. What we do know for sure is that he WILL be taking weeks off to put 20,000 kms a month on his vehicle and THAT will make it hard for him to qualify. However, if he can find a way to win a Major, forget all of the above…the points will be there. “Boys, I like my ears attached to my head. Don’t ask me to stand up for myself when you haven’t walked a mile in my shoes.” said The Hunchback from his unchlorinated, pterodactyl toe jam contaminated hot tub in Falmouth. “The years of being bullied by Kendricks, Burke and Johnson prepared me for the quiet chaos that surrounds my oblivion. I am doing the best that I can.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 25
2022- 16
2021- 24
2020- 19
2019- 20
2018- 19
2017- 9
2016- 3
2015- 1
2014- 13
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 569.33 (25th)
2024 Prediction- 17th

BARRY HENNIGAR- You simply can’t teach what Barry has. His ability to ignore his very limited athletic ability, his strength to try and ignore the constant hammering to drive to Toronto on 100 degree weekends and the constant teasing about how his golf shirts show sweat stains in a very Holstein cattle pattern. The league’s only man to complete the NYC Marathon and have a camouflage sweat pattern, Bannister-Hennigar knows how to get on a roll and it wasn’t that long ago (2020 COVID) that he actually finished the season atop the regular season standings. The ability is there, it’s just a matter of time and gummies. “This will be a defining season for me. I’ve spent some off-season time in Phoenix, Miami and Port Williams getting ready, so there can be no excuses.” said Bannister as he watched his family spend more money. “Maybe some clarity will be helpful now that Indy Jones has moved West. Who knows? All I do know for sure is that I have heard the teasing and have promised to wear dark and patterned golf attire this season.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 16
2022- 13
2021- 6
2020- 1
2019- 19
2018- 18
2017- 10
2016- 18
2015- 15
2014- 11
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,015.25 (16th)
2024 Prediction- 16th

LUC POIRIER- Training to become a paramedic means two things. Blood, less free time…and shit. Ok, so that’s three things. Sue me. After clawing his way into the playoffs with a 12th place finish in just nine events in 2023, the KWGA’s youngest buck will have his hands full turning that trick again in 2024. It won’t be because of a lack of talent as Bedford was the epicenter of some shit tectonics that shook the KWGA last season. The face, the hair, the tats, the body…nobody is jealous of you Luc just so you know. Here is your first paramedic lesson…go take your $800 driver and pretend it’s a pediatric thermometer, because nobody cares. All that being said, I will be cheering for you young buck. “I have put in the practice time and have had a swing coach on retainer for two years now. Do any of those other guys do that? No.” said a defiant “Cool Hand” as he gave his first “official/non-recreational” rectal exam behind a dumpster at Walmart. “That’s why I don’t listen to jaded and faded older men. All their lives, guys like Beantown and Gadget whine and moan about the world of sports not being fair. News flash boys…So what? Do something about it.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 12
2022- 10
2021- 19
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,250.75 (12th)
2024 Prediction- 15th

JOHN AMIRAULT- What more can you say about a man that sends you pictures of the time he had facial herpes? (I’d advise ALL league members to refrain from subscribing to his Instagram page or accepting emails from him). Yes, it’s true. Golf is therefore secondary when The Sheriff is mentioned. However, once you eliminate the drool and hockey helmet, underneath is a man looking for any kind of sporting, athletic or golf validation. Just when you think he can’t do something, he manages to find a way to wheel his chair onto the short bus…and win a golf tournament. A slow start last season proved costly so avoiding “home shows” early on will be critical to his success in 2024. “Derrack is just jealous of me, and so are the rest of those guys.” said The Sheriff as he sipped his lukewarm Similac from a specialized straw. “I can’t help how I am and if they want to laugh when I am not around, go right ahead. I am the one grossing two million a year on steel roofs, plus $101.41 on golf winnings, not them. I’d call that being a winner. Now if you will excuse me, I need to finish Hoya Lifting myself onto the toilet.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 19
2022- 12
2021- 7
2020- 18
2019- 7
2018- 15
2017- 12
2016- 12
2015- 2
2014- 12
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 939.50 (19th)
2024 Prediction- 14th

NORM BATHERSON- If this man’s arrival doesn’t scare you, then you’ve had either a vasectomy or lobotomy. The good part about all of this is that no one has to try and outskate or outmuscle “The Quiet Storm” off the puck. The bad news is that he is a 1 handicap who can still outhit you. Personally, I wouldn’t be afraid to try and take him on on the ice, it’s not like he is his son or anything right? His trick has always been to smile and banter leisurely to your face, get you to relax and let your guard down, then smash you over the head with his game like a good Chris Nilan sucker punch 70 gross. He is only listed outside the Top 12 qualifying spots because (a) It will be hard to win with a 1 handicap (b) He will miss some KWGA events because he will be playing REAL events some Saturdays and ( c) He will no doubt be in shock once he gets a load of some of the Tour personalities. “I am not one to bluster and boast, but I have been wanting to get my meat hooks into some of these guys for a few years now. Especially Filibuster Bob.” said Quiet Storm as he sharpened the grooves on his sand wedge. “I remember what they did to me as a rookie on the Acadia Hockey team way back when and I vowed I would never be shaved from head to toe again and you can take it to the bank that isn’t happening this year.”
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- N/A
2024 Prediction- 13th

KEVIN POIRIER- After sneaking into the playoffs and qualifying 11th, Mr. Wildcat made the run of his life in 2023, winning the quarter-finals (St. Jude Classic), finishing second in the semi-finals (BMW Championship) then completing the run with a one stroke victory at the Tour Championship, capturing his second career FEDEX Cup title. This after famously leaving his wife to fend for herself as she bravely traversed through the woods at midnight through a hurricane…while he slept. The man simply has no conscience and it obviously served him well last season. Like sour patch candy, you have to be in a certain mood to want them, but the KWGA will no doubt want a piece of him in 2024. “I can’t control the Montreal Canadiens front office or what other guys think of me.” said a Wildcat (formerly Twitter KKK) as he mapped out his wife’s next outdoor adventure. “Winning this thing twice has proved that nothing I do is a fluke…other than being related to Jackie Redmond.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 11
2022- 5
2021- 20
2020- 20
2019- 15
2018- 14
2017- 4
2016- 9
2015- 10
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,332.50 (11th)
2024 Prediction- 12th

DEREK THOMSON- The Commissioner came flying out of the gates in 2023 with a win at the Kick-Off Classic, then playing 15 consecutive weeks, qualifying 5th for the playoffs, only to have his season derailed by injury, forfeiting his chance to win the title. The devastating blow was like having a tooth start growing out of your anus…and the world running out of Crest. The Commissioner’s focus in 2024 is to be back in the fight, hunting down his KWGA brethren, calling them names and finding a way to be there at the end. The winter will need to be a time of rediscovery and rehabilitation as the lack of swings in the last 8 months will no doubt be a mountain to climb. “The guys don’t understand what winning this title means to me.” said The Commissioner as he dabbed a mustard stain from his shirt. “I am kinda like Jesus Chris when you really think about it. Where there was nothing…now there is something.” 
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 5
2022- 11
2021- 15
2020- 14
2019- 8
2018- 4
2017- 3
2016- 2
2015- 6
2014- 2
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,699.13 (5th)
2024 Prediction- 11th

SCOTT WOODWORTH- The South Mountain Man made sure that nobody would be laughing behind his back anymore with a solid 4th place finish in the regular season. The bounce back season reminded folks that there is more to this man than an affable personality and a bowel full of chocolate milk. However, “Showcase” Scotty bowed out in the second round of the playoffs which can sour any dairy product but may just be the delicious tonic to spearhead another run in 2024. It’s called turning a shit batter into chocolate cake. “I really don’t care if I win, my main goal each Saturday is getting home to my canines promptly because I am the one who truly has the separation anxiety, not the dogs.” said Showcase as he rearranged his colored chi rocks at work. “I know guys think I am a drip, nerd or whatever but I don’t care what they say. They can run up my hospitality bar bill all they want after I leave the course, I will be the one eating a dozen Mars bars at The Turn in November…not them. Yum.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 4
2022- 17
2021- 12
2020- 8
2019- 10
2018- 10
2017- 8
2016- 5
2015- 5
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,784.50 (4th)
2024 Prediction- 10th

TOM THOMSON- Always seemingly looking from the outside in, “Jagger” took a regular turn at the plate and finished 14th last season, a mere 100 points short of qualifying for the playoffs for the second time. Qualifying for a KenWo membership has shown to be even more elusive. However, distractions and travel waylaid him like Mick let loose on Bourbon Street last season. All Mick had to do was show up one more Saturday. Alas, that’s one way great musicians become icons, tragedy. So what to expect in 2024? A winter in Gulf Shores, FL should help him get off to another good start. “All I need is some sunshine and warmth. Playing every other day and being around my brother who actually cares about golf scores.” said Jagger from his cabana in Florida. “I should become a better player just by shit-osmosis right?.” If the KenWo brass decide to finally let him in the door, you can up his odds to make it, if not, as South Mountainer St. Clair Jodrey famously said to The Fifth Estate during the Goler investigation, “Wat ya s’pposed to do when she comes onta ya.?”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 14
2022- 25
2021- 23
2020- 10
2019- 29
2018- 24
2017- 22
2016- 26
2015- 24
2014- 18
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,134.75 (14th)
2024 Prediction- 9th

MIKE WHITE- This season we will witness just what separation anxiety is. With his “Cheech” moved back to Indianapolis, Mike Chong will be fending for himself on Tour in 2024. A late flurry vaulted him up to 9th after languishing in the nether regions of his shorts and the league to start the year, alas, The Phog fizzled out in the semi-final. Expect an extra heavy, pillowy cloud to follow him this season to ward off any evil spirits. There is another pattern of behavior The Phog exhibits. Last, Last, Last….WIN. It’s been a recipe that has worked and kept him relevant season after season, “Guys think I do that deliberately but I don’t.” said a confused looking Phog from his banana hammock in Tupper Lake. “If they had knees, hips and frontal lobe damage like me, they would play erratically too. I am not concerned about any of that though. It’s a new season with a new challenge. I think I will be OK…I just ask that someone comes up to the lake to check on me every now and again please.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 9
2022- 7
2021- 9
2020- 9
2019- 1
2018- 1
2017- 18
2016- 14
2015- 8
2014- 14
2023 FEDEX Cup Points-1,397.67 (9th)
2024 Prediction- 8th

CHRIS RUSHTON- Perhaps no player highlights the fact that ANYONE can win the FEDEX Cup if they put their mind to it. How else to explain three consecutive titles from 2019-2021? I mean, really, when you think about it, the man was more likely to talk Heidi Klum into mothering his child. However, two very average seasons have followed and some are starting to wonder if his “motivator cuff” is torn and that the rumors of a move to the LIV Tour are true. “Listen, my wife has a pension coming and my girls are soon out of the nest. I don’t need Arab money to make my life complete.” said a matter of fact Inspector Gadget as he gnarled down a homemade hot dog. “It’s not like I finished in the bottom third of this league the last two years. Guys know that they have to play well to beat me because I will be on the first tee week after week, racking up points like this homemade hot dog.” The Gadget will make the playoffs and he will dazzle 2-3 weeks during the season…take it to the hot dog stand.
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 8
2022- 3
2021- 4
2020- 6
2019- 6
2018- 3
2017- 6
2016- 6
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,474.42 (8th)
2024 Prediction- 7th

GARY JOHNSON- Two major championships. Two. No golfer found “the magic” quite like Beantownn Gary last year on his way to clobbering the field during the regular season. But just like his powerhouse Bruins of 2023, Beantown found the playoff battle a little too difficult to navigate, losing in the final to Mr. Wildcat by a single stroke. He hid the pain well with his gregarious yet condescending smile, but you know it had to hurt. The question now is, just how much scar tissue has built up after such a devastating loss? There will no doubt be a drop off because the odds of him winning two majors again are about the same as “Blade Runner” Oscar Pistorius having Christmas dinner with the Steenkamp family now that he has been released from a South African prison. “If you want me to cry or lick someone’s face, that’s not going to happen.” said a perturbed Beantown as he did another favor for Wayne. “When you have been dumped, teased and pummeled emotionally as much as I have in my sporting career, you become numb. If I can’t get into the Hants County Sports Hall of Fame, I might as well keep trying for the KWGA Hall.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 1
2022- 14
2021- 10
2020- 5
2019- 9
2018- 12
2017- 11
2016- 4
2015- 14
2014- 16
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 2,923.92 (1st)
2024 Prediction- 6th

HAROLD FISHER- What do you get when you open up Pandora’s Shit Box you ask? Things like sorrow, greed,  and disease…and a mad as hell golfer who lives next door to the course. Last season, Mr. October finished 10th overall in the regular season but fell far short of personal expectations. It was like watching a pandemic of shit larvae hatching…but not making it to shore to become a shitterpillar. The opportunity was there but someone or something stamped it out before it could complete its life cycle…and grow wings into a full blown shit moth. There is hope though, as, like that pandemic of shit larvae, Mr. October will never stop trying to breed because you can’t put a price tag on effort. “Guys think that because I play every day that I should be leading this FEDEX thing every year.” said a dumbfounded October. “Shit doesn’t grow on trees and neither do FEDEX Cup titles. If they did, we’d all have to wear technicolor shit coats every Saturday just so we didn’t get swept away in a tidal wave of butt pee.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 10
2022- 9
2021- 3
2020- 15
2019- 2
2018- 8
2017- 1
2016- 8
2015- 4
2014- 20
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,394.00 (10th)
2024 Prediction- 5th

WAYNE BURKE- Like a good vaginal rash…he just won’t go away. Just when you think you have him eradicated, he keeps coming back for more, fomenting and spreading his tentacles into areas no one would have thought possible. That can describe this man’s game and FEDEX Cup results over the years. In his 11th season, against all odds, Grampy finished the year in 2nd place further cementing his legacy as a KWGA Hall of Famer. However, Grampy faltered in the playoffs and it’s been nine long years since his last and only title. If you don’t think THAT doesn’t stick in his craw, well, you have mental problems. “Losing sucks and to watch helplessly as guys like Beantown Gary and Mr. Wildcat passed me last season was less than palatable..and sorta like having to watch that rash grow in high resolution, slow motion.” said a finger twitching Grampy as he furiously scoured his Activity Pack for something to do. “Myrtle Beach in the winter is a good place to play poker AND work on righting the wrongs of 2023. Now if you will excuse me…I need to apply some ointment.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 2
2022- 8
2021- 11
2020- 2
2019- 5
2018- 2
2017- 5
2016- 1
2015- 9
2014- 3
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 2,277.00 (2nd)
2024 Prediction- 4th

BOB THOMPSON- Listen, anyone who spends their free time in Thailand deserves to be put in the spotlight. You don’t go across the world just to pick up some noodles and rice. What I do know about The Filabuster is (a) he has waited patiently for this KWGA opportunity (b) He will be grinding on Tour week after week and ( c) You won’t have to ask him twice to tell you a story. The bottom line is that he will be pretending not to know what is going on but will be checking the standings more than his phone messages. This is a lofty prediction but Bruce Lee finished 2nd in both his rookie and sophomore seasons, so precendent has been set. “These guys think all I can do is talk but I have news for them.” said  joyous and relieved Filabuster as he tried to hide his Adam’s Apple from his Thai caddie. “The putting is fixed, I can still strike it like I did 20 years ago…and nobody can throw Scott Woodworth off his game quite like I can. It’s a championship or bust for me…or send me back to Bangkok.”
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- N/A
2024 Prediction- 3rd

BRUCE FAGAN- All signs pointed to a FEDEX Cup crown last season after back-to-back 2nd place finishes to start his career. However, a slow start and some missed Saturdays contributed to a disappointing semi-final exit in the playoffs. Calm, steady and quietly ruthless, Bruce “Lee” has made a habit of being unnoticed even with two major championships already on his mantle piece, including last season’s Players Championship. If you think his version of kung-fu golf is going anywhere, think again. Expect a return to a Top 5 finish and a run at the title once again in 2024. “Golf is like those Instagram models. No matter how much nudity I show off, or how much good golf I play…people will always want more.” said Lee from his Kentville dojo. “I am not going to cower to other’s demands. I am giving it all I have week after week. OK, so I lost to a penguin last year. Big deal. Eventually penguins have to enter the water, and when he does again, I will be there just like the whale is in the wild. Delicious.”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 7
2022- 2
2021- 2
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 1,544.75 (7th)
2024 Prediction- 2nd

GERRY ELLIOTT- African safaris are supposed to be fun…until you run into a lion with a mane the size of Marilynn Chamber’s bush. That’s what the rest of the KWGA felt like last season after watching Double-Double feast on their golfing flesh to the tune of 47 birdies and an eagle for good measure. The barrage was an all-time KWGA record and good enough for a 3rd place standing to finish the regular season. However, I have a feeling that a 4th place finish in the playoffs will only fuel his feeding frenzy in 2024, because if you hadn’t already noticed…he silently keeps track. “Everything has been building to something bigger and better.” said Double-Double as he replaced another screen for his indoor practice simulator. “If Tim Hortons can finally and thankfully bring the blueberry dutchie donut back, I can certainly bring home this title.” Let’s just hope they bring back the cream filled maple donuts too!”
YEAR- PLACE
2023- 3
2022- 4
2021- 8
2020- 4
2019- 11
2018- 13
2017- 7
2016- 13
2015- 18
2014- 1
2023 FEDEX Cup Points- 2,245.33 (3rd)
2024 Prediction- 1st

2023 INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION
SCOTTIE “SHOWCASE” WOODWORTH

CINDERELLA STORY!
#11th Seed “Wildcat” Stuns with Second FEDEX Cup Crown

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

IT’S REIGNING A SHIT RAT!
BEANTOWN GARY WINS BMW CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHNSON, K. POIRIER, PRESCOTT, ELLIOTT ADVANCE

AP-(Wolfville, NS.)  It’ official. The nail has become the hammer. With yet another win yesterday, his fifth of the season, “Beantown” Gary pounded on his competition, sending him into the Tour Championship as the #1 seed with a 77 gross (69 net) in yet another exhibition of just what retirement can do for a golf game. Last week’s 85 and last place finish had some doubting the Hants County hammer but he fooled them all once again, holding off a fast charging Indianapolis Engaged, “Flood Watch” Poirier and Double-Double. “It’s just time people started looking at me as a golfer and not with crooked eyes and giggles.” said a matter of fact Beantown from his library study in Hantsport following the round. “I know me and winning is tough for people to wrap their heads aroud but five wins isn’t lucky. It just goes to prove it can happen to anyone who tries their best. Hey, even nerds can wear a pair of Air Jordans too right?”

Beantown took over the FEDEX lead once again on the fifth hole with a string of five solid pars and a Front Nine 37, serving notice to Indy and Double-Double that they would have to make birdies to win and that Mr. Floodwatch would have to make one himself. Three consecutive bogies to start the Back Nine meant a renewed focus or all his season’s work could expire and the name calling would begin a new. “Took some deep breaths and remembered what Bidy told me before I left the house this morning.” said Beantown. “Beat Wayne…and you have lots of things to do when you get home. This is the last of your free time this week…so enjoy it.”

By day…Bi night…I’m coming next week Gary!

Matching 75’s for Double-Double and Indy were not enough to overtake Beantown as the birdies were hard to come by on a day pins were tucked away on greens like anal beads on an adult movie set, however, both looked ahead to next Saturday’s showdown. “I haven’t dealt with anal beads in a long time but this Beantown guy is another story.” said Indy from his banana hammock in Black Rock River Lake Falls just outside of New Minas. “The guy has found the key to his game this season. It may take a 4+ birdies and a 71 gross to beat him if this keeps up. I will be able to look into his eyes next week which works in my favor. I know he is attracted to me so I plan on making it more difficult on him by wearing something cute and maybe tight.”

“Honey…please wake up and answer your phone! It’s cold and wet out here!”

For his part, Mr. Floodwatch looked like he was ready to shock the world and continue his climb atop the standings with all the focus on Beantown and his own son heading into the round. A solid 39 Front was however followed by double bogies at #14 and #18 effectively knocking him from the #1 seed heading into next Saturday. “I just hope that those two strokes I threw away don’t cost me a championship.” said the former scrappy second bagger. “It’s been a long time since I have been in this position and I want to take advantage of it. I have already taken enough heat for missing my wife’s emergency call during the apocolyptic rain storm last month, I don’t want to add a lost FEDEX crown to that list.”

The tree that fell in the forest Saturday was the battle for the fourth and final spot in the Final Four at next week’s Tour Championship. Grampy held a net three stroke lead on Tim Horton’s finest as he stood on the 17th tee…but inexplicably, it would all come crashing in like a big, giant shit wave of uncontrollable diarrhea, eroding away at the Hant’s County Spitfire’s beach of happiness, one shit wave and stroke at a time. A double bogey 7 on #17 was followed by a triple bogey 7 on the 18th, forcing Grampy to adorn an emergency technicolor shitcoat following the round just in an effort to keep it from staining him for life. “Really not sure what happened. Sometimes you get caught in an undertoe of a shit wave and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.” said a perturbed Grampy as he wiped the shit from his ensemble following the round. “I finally had Gerry backed into a corner, ready to extinguish that shitterpillar’s life-cycle…but I failed. All I can do now is dust myself off and get ready for next week and forget about all of this shit, and maybe buy a new shirt.”

For full FEDEX Cup Playoff points and bracket breakdown, go to STANDINGS-FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS.

Saturday’s BMW Championship will bring together the creme de la creme, the Top 8 golfers remaining in the Race to the FEDEX Cup.  It;s the longest and most difficult trophy to win on Tour and brings with it a badge of honour. A golfer who comes out week after week, even when struggling, all in an effort to stay alive. Saturday is another day of survival, because it can’t be won…but it can certainly be lost.

So here is my odds for all 8 men and their chances of advancing.

Seed #8 FAGAN- Bruce Lee recovered from a slow start to the season to find himself sitting in the 8^th seed after surviving the cut at the St. Jude Classic last Saturday. Second place finishes in both 2021 and 2022 all pointed him in the direction of Lee making the final push over the finish line. However, injuries and some average play meant “Lee” stood a distant 22^nd in the standings until breaking out with a win at The Players Championship in Week 11, which seemed to springboard a renewed belief. He won’t watch scoreboards during the round nor will he let you believe he cares, but down deep I believe he would flush a 4 iron at someone’s nut sack if they told him he had no chance to win. He will need the 2,000 or 1,600 points for first or second at the BMW Championship to have any mathematical chance of making the Final Four. Nobody has been steadier for 30 years but he will need a 70-73 gross…or everyone get ready to start ducking 4 irons. ODDS OF ADVANCING- 15-1

Seed #7 L. POIRIER- Another KWGA’er who started slow and found a way to climb the FEDEX Cup points list even while fitting in multiple golf trips, co-ed tournaments and LIV Tour events. People scoffed at the sleeve tatted Bedford sailor calling him names and heckling him because of his form fitted golf attire and general fact that no one on Tour is in better shape. However, his season turned hot in Week 12 when he got in his arc, made the wet trip to KenWo to win the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial hours after The City flooded, a trip only one Poirier was allowed to make as it turned out. A 75-1 underdog before the season began, the young man has managed to juggle a summer full of distraction to put himself in a position to win it all. He believes he will play well each Saturday he tees it up and that can take a person a long way. A Top 2, and MAYBE a Top 3 this week should send him through to the Tour Championship but that gives him as much wiggle room as me in a pair of my high school jeans. ODDS TO ADVANCING- 13-1

Seed #6 WOODWORTH- Nobody seems to care as less or be worried about being beaten like a drum less than Scottie “Showcase”. It’s a cockerdoodle’s mentality that has seemed to have creeped into his being which hasn’t translated well in the KWGA historically. However, it was just three weeks ago I witnessed first hand a five birdie barrage and a win at the Tootsies-Miami Cabaret, so there are SOME canine fangs deep inside. Finding a way to sink them into his competition this week will be interesting to see. “Showcase” thrives when no one believes in him, nobody has faith and when people think it’s best if they put him to sleep. In other words, this is a perfect position for him to be in. Would I risk more than a pair of used panties on him advancing? Of course not. Would I count him out? Of course not…just don’t ask me to babysit his dogs any day soon thank-you very much. ODDS OF ADVANCING 14-1

Seed #5 BURKE- This season has been a grind on Tour for the Windsor Spitfire but he has hung around the Top 5 all season long even while carrying a slim 4-5 handicap. Only one of four men who slugged it out for all 15 regular season events (D. Thomson, Rushton, White), he finished the year second overall. Last week was not his best and fell to 5^th, just outside this week’s cut line. The things going in his favour this week? He doesn’t have to look at Beantown Gary for 4 hours nor does he have to wait and hope The Hunchback is ready when being picked up. The things working against him? Double-Double and a bout of doubt. It will be fascinating and like watching the National Geographic Channel, seeing a man in his natural habitat for the first time, making a pitch for his second career FEDEX Cup title, without the flesh tearing hunting and guttural mating scenes. Chasing down Beantown Gary would be quite the catch so motivation is not a factor here. ODDS OF ADVANCING 8-1

Seed #4 ELLIOTT- Speaking of hunting and mating scenes, nobody has stalked the KWGA this season quite like Double-Double. The man has not had to pay for a BBQ meal or gas all summer with his dominant game and paydays week after week. A two time winner and defending champion of this event will make sure nobody can relax and cruise to victory. I mean how many times did the wildebeest get away or the Washington Generals beat the Harlem Globetrotters? The biggest obstacle with Double-Double is always his razor thin handicap which leaves so little wiggle room for mistakes. However, nobody will be feeling sorry or in a giving mood on Saturday so he will have to earn his advancement like a gang of bulls fighting amongst themselves to find a mate. ODDS OF ADVANCING 6-1

Seed #3 K. POIRIER- He was on nobody’s radar heading into the season or when the playoffs began, but like a barnacle burrowed into a whale’s tail in a not so symbiotic relationship, Mr. Wildcat is here, so deal with him. His shared victory last week vaulted him from 10^th to 3^rd in the standings putting him in rarified air once again. The improved play has seemed to come out of nowhere but not a second too soon. Nobody has had as much FEDEX heartbreak than Mr. Wildcat after two narrow losses surrounded his win in 2016. Has the scar tissue fully healed? On the positive side, my former classmate and his wife has agreed to let him compete, even against his own son, so we will see just how much fire burns in his belly Saturday morning. ODDS OF ADVANCING 5-1

Seed #2 PRESCOTT- The odds on favorite to win it all before the season began, Indianapolis Engaged has once again put himself on the precipice of greatness in 2023. Last week’s shared win at the St. Jude let others know that even with a 3 handicap, he can bestow handicap on YOU with a mental malady…and his own game. His presence has the field on red alert after reeling in a front running Beantown Gary with a birdie on #18 last week. It seems like it is two ships passing in the night and a matter of time before he takes top seed from Beantown heading into the Tour Championship. But they don’t hand out FEDEX Cups this Saturday and the supply of hemp will not disappear in a day, so It is anyone’s guess what will happen. What we do know is Indy can make birdies in bushels and knows where the plants are. ODDS OF ADVANCING 1-1

Seed #1 JOHNSON- He won’t show it outwardly but there is no doubt Beantown is wondering what has happened. After dominating the season with four wins and a healthy lead in the standings heading into the playoffs, the face-licking Marchand lover stumbled to an 85 gross and a second to last place finish last week. POOF, there went his lead. It will take a 7^th or 8^th place finish and the wrong people winning ahead of him to be eliminated, but Mike Tyson did get clocked unexpectedly in Tokyo one night in 1990 right? However, odds makers made Beantown the second highest odds to win it all before the season began, just behind Indy, and so here we are. It’s been his most consistent and dominant season of his KWGA career, so we know he doesn’t want to see it evaporate like a 4-1 lead in the third period with 11 minutes to play. Look for Beantown to dig in, face the competition and his own demons, and advance to the Tour Championship next weekend. Have fun out there boys. ODDS OF ADVANCING 2-1

DOUBLE DOWN MR. BEANTOWN!
WHAT’S NEXT? THE APOCALYPSE?

DICKIE, POIRIER JR. LOOK MAPLE READY!

It’s hard to believe but Saturday’s KWGA Canadian Open is the final major of the season. Last chance for romance and redemption and a chance to be immortalized in history. 600 big FEDEX Cup points to the winner as qualifying for some is in order while seeding for the playoffs for others. The favorites are clear once you look at the numbers and recent performance. Kevin Dickie has been red hot and consistent and looks to be the man to beat while Lucious Luc Poirier has been playig inspired golf every time he tees it up lately. If you think I pulled these predictions out of my tail pipe, the chart below should prove I have more than an anal fixation…I have facts.

HANDICAPPING THE FIELD

2-1 KEVIN DICKIE- His rookie season began rough, there is no way around that. He quickly found out that the KWGA is not a group of pushovers and he didn’t have the power to punish like he did his staff at Acadia. However, the last month has seen him grow from a simple shit larvae, to a more advanced and scary shitterpillar, and with a major championship this undeniably becomes a full blown and grown shit moth. The only thing that could hold him back Saturday you ask? Rushing through his round to get to a CFL game in Halifax on time. Good grief. That league still exists?

5-2 LUC POIRIER- Speaking of shit larvae. Nobody has improved and grown more over the last 2 calendar years. Things that got better and more resilient during COVID include roaches, earwigs…and yes Luc Poirier. The last month has been his finest hour and the rush is on to get in as much golf now as he can…because once the paramedic training begins, well, unless you want him to give you “mouth to mouth”, he isn’t going to be much use to you. Being a favorite and firing a 70 gross are heavy weights to bare but the latest results say it can happen.

4-1 WAYNE BURKE- He has been the most consistent major competitor this season with two 3rd place finishes. Grumblings of sore shoulders, back and wrists are starting to fall on deaf ears because you can’t cry “shit wolf” too many times…because no one comes to your defense or rescue after a while right? The fire still burns to be the best and I am sure he is tired of hearing about his Boy Toy buddy Johnson bragging about HIS major championship earlier this year. Let’s all just hope that two trophies don’t end up in the same car to Hants County. Who would get a word in edge-wise then?

5-1 BARRY HENNIGAR- Nobody ever pays any attention to Barry. If you don’t believe me, just go thumb through a Horton High School Year Book circa 1983. He had all the girls running away in hysterics. Ironically, that is the plan this Saturday as he flies under the radar. Narrowly missing out at The Masters and two sub 70 net scores in the last month prove that he can do more than make girls cry. It was only just three years ago he won this title. Don’t count him out.

11-2 JOHN AMIRAULT- The Sheriff has not had his best season on Tour to date. Too many wild church parties and business road shows in the city seemed to have derailed the heavy handed dock yard goon. However, what most didn’t see last week was an outburst of birdies not seen before from him on Tour. Six in total and a 77 gross shows that when he gets the driver in the fairway, putts for birdie early, the concentration grows like the blood filled flesh bubbles after too many spicy tacos. God help us if he wins this week.

6-1 CHRIS RUSHTON- Ho-humming his way around Tour this year has been The Gadget. Other than a 3rd place finish at The Masters, his season has been like licking on a cardboard box. It’s food… but is it enjoyable? He may walk around like he doesn’t care but that’s where he fools you. Still without a major championship or a birdie on Tour this season, if he gets one early this week, call in The Mounties because someone is getting hurt. 15 handicap strokes are there at his disposal so if he can avoid early and late calamity funnier things have happened.

7-1 GARY JOHNSON- Now that Patrice Bergeron has finally mercifully retired, Gary can finally concentrate on his golf game full time because the Bruins are going down the toilet with Brad Marchand as captain…captain…can you imagine? OK, so that didn’t have anything to do with Saturday but needed to be said. Gary broke through earlier this year winning his first major at The Masters and is brimming with confidence. However, he has struggled dealing with his new single digit handicap for a month now and it weighs on him like Bidy’s household instructions. Good luck Gary.

8-1 RAY IVANY- So, back to work eh? Ever since he was dragged back into employment, The Chancellor once again, being a great golfer becomes hard again. His results have not been terrible but just ordinary, and to win a major, your score can’t be ordinary. He will also be in a rush Saturday as CFL has him all excited for some reason. I mean, CFL? The last time I watched a CFL game the Eskimos were playing the Rough Riders. Ivany hasn’t had much luck in majors this season, a 10th being his best so far, so 3-4 birdies will be necessary to win…and we know Dickie will be driving him like Miss Daisy to Halifax if that happens.

9-1 DEREK THOMSON- Up and down like a YoYo. Week after week the KWGA fans scratch their heads wondering what they are going to get from The Commissioner. He would tell him all if he knew himself. KenWo’s worst Par 3 player will need to find a way to hit those greens or all the salt water in his shorts will never have a chance to evaporate before sitting on those dining room chairs after the round. He would also like to remind everyone else that has a gland problem that July and August are NOT the months to wear white or tan shorts on a hot summer’s day. Lord, give me the strength…and a few dinner rolls.

10-1 BRUCE FAGAN- Usually it is Mike White who is the most difficult player to handicap but not this week. Fagan has struggled with injury the last two weeks, having to withdraw each time. So what is more important, the injury or the fact that he just won a major three short weeks ago? Never in any trouble on the golf course, Fagan could be a professional ball searcher for his group. However, it’s going to be a difficult climb no matter what happens Saturday as he will be using the first few holes to see if he can even swing it like he wants to.

11-1 GERRY ELLIOTT- This 11-1 evaluation is going to go over as well as a lead balloon I am sure, but heck, NAYSA can’t even get a rocket off the ground anymore either! Double Double has struggled the last two weeks and his best finish in a major this year is 10^th. What many don’t realize is that Double Double and I have more in common than a love for Canadian maple donuts. We both like winning. You don’t make 32 birdies on tour in 14 weekends and roll over and play dead, so I don’t expect that to happen here Saturday. Expect better than his previous moribund 10^th and 11^th place finishes in majors so far this season…or let it rain free maple donut vouchers.

12-1 MIKE WHITE- Figuring out what Mike White will shoot on any given day is more difficult than figuring out whose DNA is whose at an adult film festival. Movies aside, The Phog did set a record for lowest net score in KWGA history just a couple of weeks ago so you know he can go low. However, the last three events have been a train wreck with more shrapnel peeling off his clubs than cling-ons off a horses’s arse during the Highland Games parade. The KWGA’s second winningest player will surprise you when you count him out or leave him alone in public for that matter. It wouldn’t surprise me. My sleeper pick.

13-1 TIM PRESCOTT- Life has changed this summer. I keep waiting for someone to slap me silly and say it ain’t so…but I toad a so. Has it affected his golf? The numbers would say it has as Indianapolis Engaged has not had a sub 70 net round in over a month AND he is eating salad now after rounds? I don’t know who this is and that’s not a recipe for winning a major. On the plus side is that he still doesn’t fear a bad swing or bounce, never shies away from a challenge and knows his way through the murky woods that is Black Rock River Lake Three Pools or wherever the frig you don’t have to pay taxes and can grow more than four plants. Giver hell and swing for the fences Timmy Boy.

14-1 KEVIN POIRIER- 2023 KWGA Husband of the Year candidate. Just like his golf game lately, his wife wandered the woods aimlessly and alone in the pitch dark during the province’s worst thunder, lightning and flooding in 100 years, dragging her “just not” golf bag all the while. It’s a pose Mr. Wildcat has modeled too much this season. It is a wonder he is even being allowed to compete this Saturday. Maybe that will free him up to fire a 70 something gross and take home some money to buy his wife a tent in case she has to hike 5 kms through the woods again. Or maybe a louder ring tone for his phone would work to wake him up the next time she calls in distress. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

15-1 HAROLD FISHER- Not sure if you have noticed but Mr. October has been searching for a hot streak all season long. Only one Top 3 all season and the majors have not been so kind either. Personally I think it is because he misses The Rocket and all that he brought to his life. We all search and miss those symbiotic relationships, a mushroom on a fallen log, a lurch latched onto a child’s ankle after a summer lake swim. Beautiful. Delicious. Listen, the man has 19 career wins on Tour and his first major just two seasons ago; it’s like riding a bike…or building a clubhouse…you never forget.

16-1 NICK LEVY- This guy reminds me of Dirty Harry. He doesn’t show up much in your life, but when he does, you know there will be blood, you just are never sure if it’s going to be his or yours. Just for the record, if he shoots 75, it’s YOUR blood.The 2015 Masters champion would have more hardward, but his kids played hockey growing up. A neck injury this summer also hasn’t helped him but he doesn’t have $20,000 hot tub in his backyard to help in recovery. Everyone cheers for Nick…the longest shot in the field only because he plays golf this summer as much as my brother played Miss Dress Up with my sister’s clothes growing up.

“MAGNOLIA” GARY JOHNSON
2023 KWGA MASTERS CHAMPION

THE GOLF CHANNEL
BRANDEL CHAMBLEE

(2-1) NICK CAREY- Nick has been on fire on Men’s League Wednesday’s and is easily playing his best golf in years. Twenty strokes is a lot for the field to deal with. There is no doubt he wants to leave us for BC with a very sour taste in our mouths before he goes. The biggest handicap sweetspot in the field.

(3-1) WAYNE BURKE- Burkie’s Wednesday’s have been better than his Saturday’s this season but he has a major championship under his belt and 8 strokes to work with. We know he is good AND lucky so no one will be surprised if he arrives upstairs with a 72 right between our eyes.

(4-1) MIKE WHITE- The explosion is coming, it’s just nobody ever knows if its a 79 or a 99, even Mike himself. He will tee it up with 15 strokes of liquid dynamite this Saturday…or diarrhea. The 2018 Masters Champion will be looking to join Brent Locke as the only two time winners in KWGA Masters history.

(5-1) CHRIS RUSHTON- You don’t win 3 FEDEX Cups in a row for no reason. However, Rushton still is missing a major championship on his resume. It’s more baffling than his swing to be honest. He will be wielding the power of 17 handicap strokes at us like John Holmes used to wield his pecker back in the day. As soon as you bet against this guy he bites you.

(6-1) LUC POIRIER- This young man has scaled the wall of improving his game from Division 3 when he entered the league to Division 1 where he know comfortably resides for the foreseable future. It would not surprise me one bit if he fires a 71 and sends us all home wondernig if we should have a swing coach on retainer like he does.

(7-1) RAY IVANY- Razor was in contention in 2 majors last year, including The Masters ,so he knows how to stick his nose in places wher he isn’t wanted and perform. He reminds me of Scottie Scheffler in one regard, those dancing feet when he swings. This just in…Scottie Scheffler is doing pertty good these days.

(8-1) BARRY HENNIGAR- It’s been a slow start this season to say the least. Finding him on Saturday’s has been difficult. I mean, who goes to Italy for 17 weeks in the middle of golf season? He has been back a week or so now so he has his bearings about him again and 8 strokes of handicap injustice. Go to work Barry.

(9-1) JOHNNY KENNY- Recent injury woes aside, this Anvil Draughts alum shot 74 just a couple weeks ago so we know he can go low and bury the field. No doubt he is hungry to win a major but if his concentration drifts to some random soccer match across the globe, call of the dogs…the hunt will be over.

(10-1) TOMMY THOMSON- A 79 last week at The Legends shows that his game is starting to come to the fore and clandestine 3 hour range sessions have the KenWo staff starting to call him Vijay. Dont’t forget, this man lost in a playoff in 2020 to Rene, so the stage isn’t too big in the big moments. Another 70 something this week and I gotta look at him in a green jacket for a year.

(11-1) GARY JOHNSON- Still without a major, Johnson will be looking to stop the teasing from so called friends, and he knows the ones who tease him behind his back. The driver has been pure so if he can make a couple of putts early, start the ticker tape parade in green and gold.

(12-1)  NICK LEVY- Now that his kids have chosen golf over hockey in the summers, get used to seeing the 2015 Masters champion around a lot more often. That’s bad news gentlemen. When Levy gets out of the gates quick, he knows how to knock out opponents. His margain for error is slim but he knows how to make birdies in bunches.

(13-1) GERRY ELLIOTT- It’s a difficult mountain to climb week after week but nobody has played better or more consistently than Elliott this season. He may need to shoot a gross 60-something to win Saturday so he slips down the list a bit. Can he that? Yes. But the winner of this event is usually 65 or less net. The 2014 Masters champion…The 2023 champion?

(14-1) TIM PRESCOTT- His Masters prep this year consisted to chasing tail in Indianapolis, IN this year, I guess to reconnect with his KWGA nickname. Not sure how much golf he has played but there is no more need of pocket pool thats for sure. Can he shoot 68-71 on the biggest stage? He’d have a story for The Eagle Man if he did.

(15-1) SCOTT WOODWORTH- It’s so hard watching him limp around this season, so much so, that I actually miss his diarrhea digestion days. “Showcase” Scott will need to harkon back to days of yesteryear to win this Saturday but a 73 is possible. This is a Cinderella Story if he wins…could this be his first major?

(16-1) BRUCE FAGAN- I have seen more pornography than Bruce thi season on Tour, and that is saying something since I officially became desensitized to that genre of film making several weeks ago. Many have forgotten he actually won this event just two seasons ago and didn;t get his just do because of the calamity that Covid caused this event at that time.

(17-1) HAROLD FISHER- Recent struggles knock him down this list but 13 strokes still gives him a punchers chance this weekend. On the positive side he has won a major and nobody is more prepared with 100 rounds in already this season. Making putts is always the difference maker for Harold so if he can jam a few in early, it’s trouble for the rest of us.

(18-1) BOB MAXWELL- I know what you are thinking. Why such long odds for the first ever KWGA Masters champion in 2013.? Separation anxiety I say. For the first time all season he will not be grouped with buddies Kenny and Woodworth, so if you hear him switch his music box to self-help tapes from country music, you know the party is over. Go get ’em Bob.

(19-1) GEOFF FLECKNELL- Preparing for Masters tournaments should never involve  drinking on the deck with neighbours every  night nor playing once a week. Fuji hasn’t been in contention in a major yet but 14 handicap strokes gives him a chance to show his wife he can accomplish something sporting wise outside of coaching his children.

(20-1) DEREK THOMSON- No golfer is currently further from their handicap sweet spot. A 91 last Saturday included a bout with the shanks and a quick, quiet car ride home following the round. As famous, and beloved OJ Simpson lawyer Johnni Cochrane once said, “If the jacket doesn’t fit…you must acquit.” I promise I will smile through all my bad shots this weekend boys.

(21-1) JOHN AMIRAULT- Did you think I would put myself below The Sheriff? Not a chance. John has played more pocket pool than golf this year and with only 10 handicap strokes, he would need to shoot a 75 to win. That simple math…and shit tectonics. If he wins again this year, I will wash his underwear for a year instead of his wife.

(22-1) MARTIN SUTER- Ireland, England, Italy, Bankgkok….where in the world is Martin? I guess you deserve to go frig off and travel the world when you did as well as he did in his career. But this is The Masters, not an Anthony Bourdain TV show. There are no short cuts with golf and so the rust will no doubt show this Saturday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hit a flagstick just to remind us all.

Monday May 8, 2023.
HANTS COUNTY HORSEMEN!
BURKE, ELLIOTT, JOHNSON & OMG NEWCOMBE…RUN FOR COVER

In case you haven’t been paying attention, the KWGA’s version of Ric Flair, Arn and Ollie Anderson have crossed the border into Kings County to strong arm the competition in consecutive weeks, roping in the Captain Crazy Invitational (Elliott & Burke) and last Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic (Johnson). The trio have ridden into New Minas with great smiles and haircuts. sending the women, children and anyone else KWGA related ducking for cover, filling their burlap bags with coins, free brunches and gas money aplenty along the way. The wins have not exactly been popular with the fan base prompting occasional shouts from the gallery, “Go back to Avon Valley” and “It feels like the LIV Tour winning at The Masters…we’d rather take Patrick Reed back.” Adding insult to injury, the fourth member of the Hants County Horsemen, The Hunchback, has stunned the fanbase with stellar play start to his season, buzzing The Commissioner’s Tower with his usual aplomb and missed tournament entry deadlines. “I can’t shout things at them like the fans are able to. They paid their money to see these guys play and can say what they want. I have to take the high road and grin and bear this less than popular start to our season.” said a dismissive Commissioner. “If they want to play the part of Bad Guy then that’s their perogative, but make my words Ricky, I won’t stand idly by and take it forever.”

Double-Double started things off at the Captain Crazy Invitational with a 72 gross and 72 net, a round that featured 3 birdies in less than ideal temperatures and some flagstick locations that were more difficult than a walk in the Viet Nam War- Da Nang jungle circa 1965. For his part, Grampy Burke took advantage of his bulky 8 handicap, spurring his horse with a birdie at #8 and a solid Front Nine 39. “Critcize me all you want, call me a sandbagger, whatever. All I know is that I got myself up and to the course when I would rather have been snuggled up against my wife’s pillows in my warm bed.” said a defiant Grampy. Double-Double echoed Grampy’s comments as the two high-fived and giggled at the post round press conference.  Making matters even worse, the once docile, journeyman Bruins fan Beantown Gary came out of hibernation, ignoring the bounty signs stapled all over Kings County, to laso a victory at this past Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic. His round was highlighted by birdies at the Par 3 11th and 15th holes. His Gross 79 (Net 67) shocked even the most casual KWGA observers. “It felt like when Clint Eastwood finally got mad in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.” said a concerned Commissioner. “I guess he was still pissed about the Bruins getting bounced from the NHL playoffs and decided to take it out on innocent victims. I expect nothing less really but it’s still shocking when it happens.”

“Monday 9pm is the deadline to sign up for golf Kevin and Yes, pick-up on Saturday is 8am.”

Rumour now has it the quartet has bought an armoured vehicle to travel to KenWo together and hired security just in case things get rowdy at next Saturday’s Skoal Bandits Shootout, that’s if The Hunchback knows when and where to get picked up. That’s why two tin cans tied to a string were invented after all. That and the super effective iPhone. The one thing that is clear is that Hants County looks to be here to stay in 2023 with their eyes on all the bounty and a FEDEX Cup. “Listen, I have dealt with renegades in this league for a decade now. It’s not something I am afraid of.” said The Commissioner from his comfy chair in front of his computer. “I survived 8 years of The Rocket so if that doesn’t toughen you up, nothing will.” I am happy these Horsemen have had some success to start the year because they usually start to get grumpy when they don’t. Lets see how they handle success as the season goes on. You know what they say, “Tick tock…the shit clock is tickin’ Rick.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

Grampy’s victory at the Captain Crazy Invitational and runner-up finish at last Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic have vaulted him into first place from 13th with 760.00 points in the Race to the FEDEX Cup. It’s the first time Grampy has manned the top spot since his cup winning season of 2015 and with a 9 handicap, he will continue to roam the spring buds and flowers for another month  in the handicap “sweet spot”. It will all make him as fun and easy to deal with as a shitsicle on a hot summer’s day. This is shaping up to be a long term run at another Cup.

Close behind in second and third places are The Commissioner (668.00 pts) and Beantown Gary (667.00 pts). The Commissioner’s opening week win has seen him trend in the wrong direction with a 4th and 15th place finish in the last two weeks. Not exactly in the handicap sweet spot at a current 6, The Commissioner will need to hang on for dear life for a few weeks and try and stay in the top half of the weekly leaderboard. Beantown Gary’s win on Saturday meant the world to him after swimming in mediocrity the first two weeks. His trend is upward 16th, 4th and a 1st. KWGA prognosticators had ranked Johnson #2 (10-1 odds) before the season began and many criticized them for such a prediction. I mean, Gary? Second? It’s looking pretty good now eh? Rounding out the Top 6 are last year’s champion Double-Double Elliott (573.00), Captain Shitacular Levy (490.00) and Indianapolis Jones Prescott (412.50). We know where Gerry is going…nowhere. Annoyingly consistent week after week, opponents will not want to see him come playoff time. If Nick Levy could show up every week the rest of us would be playing for second. I saw first hand on Saturday, he is longer and a lot straighter than he has ever been. However, chances are we won’t see the strong handed golfing battle axe for a few weeks, so you can exhale. Indianpolis Jones has been in the hunt every week and it’s just a matter of time before he breaks through in 2023 and gets his win and cements his place in the playoffs. I mean, you can’t hold a good man down for long, all you can do is hope the police arrive in time and wrestle the chloroform rag and gag ball kit from his possession.

KEEP AN EYE OUT…

Inspector Gadget- Armed with his powerful 16 handicap, the Wolfville harem protector and three time champion will have his own double barrelled pump action 5 iron pointed straight at the rest of the KWGA’s temple in the weeks to come.

Tom “Jagger” Thomson- It’s starting to take hold…Like a good abcess. Golf is in his veins once again. Currently sits in 14th place just two spots out of the playoffs. A 12 handicap is feasable. However, can he stay away from his music?

Phog- I don’t know if the season could have started out any worse for Mike. However, bad play means a higher handicap and if there is one thing the 20 time winner on Tour knows how to do…it’s take advantage of people. The outburst is coming.

FROM THE ROUGH

*Tough week for rookie member KD. How he made a 7 foot curler for par on the 3rd green, after all that, was nothing short of amazing. Hope you are doing better and that we see you again on Tour very soon.

*Positive news out of Yarmouth this week. It marked the 3rd straight trip to the dockyard for The Sheriff without being charged. “I was really worried about him missing another KWGA event.” said a relieved Commissioner. “I don’t know how he did it personally. There are so many temptations there for people without a Grade 10 education…not to mention a lot of people who indeed do not have a Grade 10 education.”

*This Tuesday morning marks our first week with our new tee time booking system. Make sure you communicate with the three other guys in your group to figure out who is volunteering this week and what tee time you are assigned to book. This is listed on the Skoal Bandits Shootout tournament tab. If you are unsure about ANYTHING tee time related, please call me!

*The website has been fully updated. You can find the leading money winners, FEDEX Cup Standings, Ringer Board, PRO*LINE weekly results and standings under STANDINGS. You can find your year to date statistics under TOUR STATISTICS.

BE-LEAF IN YOURSELF!
FROM WORST NIGHTMARE…TO 19th WET DREAM

Like Jesus Christ…where there was once nothing…now there is victory. So it was Saturday afternoon for Commissioner Ford and his always positive golf demeanor as the KWGA’s leader cajoled and ultimately bullied his competition for his 19th career victory at the 2023 KWGA Kick-Off Classic. The Commissioner held off a furious rally from Indianapolis Jones, a game Scottie “Showcase” and a surprise entry, Captain Shitacular himself, Nickolai Levy. “It’s really been about getting out my Toronto Maple Leaf angst.” said a relieved Commissioner. “Going through silent Hell every other night watching my team is not easy. I had to find a way to direct my energies away from just watching hockey and exhausting bowel movements.”

After a 95 on Thursday, not much was expected of The Commissioner heading into the Kick-Off Classic, couple that with a few first tee snafus early Saturday morning, and calamity was easily an option. However, a solid range session and some positive banter around the green changed the outlook of your fearless leader. That was until the toddler sized eyes and blank stare of “Third” Legge came into view. The realization came quick that he had arrived at KenWo after an hour’s drive from Dartmouth…but wasn’t listed in the draw.  “You have to chalk that snafu up to some simple shit tectonics.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “Two seismic shit plates colliding. That’s what happens when Wolfville and Canning meet in the middle. It was a shit blender combination of a three year Legge hiatus and some new KenWo tee time booking procedures.” said the Commissioner as he wiped the last of the shit splatter from his KWGA blazer. “I didn’t feel good about things, but in the end, you have to go out and perform under any and all circumstances if you want to be a pro.” A missed three footer for par on #1 was followed by another missed three footer for birdie on #6 and the boo birds were out in New Minas. The rally would start with a birdie on #10 and three more threes heading to the 17^th hole. “I scraped it around #17 like a Doberman with elephantitis of its testicles.” said the Commissioner. “Finally got to the green and rammed in a forty footer for par when I had no business doing so. I had to listen to Carey chirp me about being lucky of all things. I mean the guy just had Sasperilla poisoning and his lateral adenoids taken out two weeks ago and I have to listen to that? Whatever. I will take home the win just like he takes those Northern BC minnows he catches every summer. Prick.”

“REALLY? You are here Legger? But…but…but…you didn’t sign up.”

If you don’t know who Captain Shitacular is, well, just drop into a few minor league rinks and you are bound to run into him, or just ask his kids, because they are at KenWo more than he is. The sexy, smiley, burly New Minas debutante did what he does once in a while on the KWGA Tour, come to the course and hammer on people that think he can’t play. If you weren’t sure, Shitacular birdied his first hole Saturday and never looked back, staying attached to the top of the leaderboard all day. “Yeah, ok, I surprised myself today. Reminded me of my high school dance career really, lots of people giggling at me, snickers from my friends. I hear these KWGA guys acting the same way when I show up for an event. At least I wasn’t wearing bell bottom pants and a bowl haircut today like I was at the dances.” said a downcast yet stern Shitacular. “I will be back again soon. Make my words boys…make my words.”

Making things interesting is what Indy Jones is known for, depending on each individuals perspective of course, and that’s just what the hairless Hab fan did, poaching birdies at #14, #16 and finally #18 to climb within two strokes of the lead and send a shudder down the pant leg of a scoreboard watching Commissioner. I mean, who birdies those three holes on the same day? The Back Nine 34 gross was the best on the course and reminded everyone that he may not have a Florida beachside condo anymore…but he still knows how to scare the shit out of his competition…and his neighbours. “Can’t say enough about his golf game.” said The Commissioner. “Plays with zero fear and miraculously gets along with Razor Ray. Strange bedfellows I say. I mean can you picture the two of them in Ray’s Acadia Office? I can’t. But watch the two of them in The Turn after any round and you would swear they were separated at birth. It’s like mixing sausage with ice cream, but I am sure someone out there likes that.”

Saturday was also a throwback day of sorts as Scottie “Showcase” turned back the clock, firing a 76 gross that included birdies at #7, #8 and #12. The back to back birdies were his first on Tour since Canada invaded the United States, giving him third place and $17 he can put toward a customized power cart. The good part is that he can test drive carts in his dog’s 38 acre backyard pleasure dome. “There isn’t a blade of grass left behind his house now so I don’t know how he can smile so much.” said a bemused Commissioner. “I guess he is happy about it because he doesn’t have mow anymore? All I know is  NASA or the SPCA, or whoever is in charge of dogs and space, will never be taking his dogs from him, they have more area to live and play in on the property than he does. Nice to see Scottie play well again just the same!”

A SHITLINER COMES ASHORE

A dubious name was added to a dubious distinction list Saturday as Grampy Burke became the 4^th KWGA’er to find the drink with a bag of clubs and or power caddy. After miraculously surviving 17 holes on its maiden voyage, Grampy’s said power caddy careened out of control, narrowly missing onlookers, finally settling into the deepest part of the ditch and muck that is protects the 18^th green. KWGA Network caught up to Grampy following the round. “I got counting money in my head and forgot that my clubs were 90 yards head of me. It’s like shitting your pants…it happens to everyone.” Thankfully the event was caught on camera for posterity sake. Grampy joined a prestigious list that includes The Sheriff (Pond on #5), Bobby Clobber (Pond on #4) and The Commissioner (Pond on #18).

A SHITLINER COMES TO SHORE-CLICK ME

The Road to the FEDEX Cup begins this Saturday. Hands down, it’s the KWGA’s most difficult trophy to win. However, before I get into handicapping the field, I want to go over a couple of changes as we head into the 2023 season.

POINTS BREAKDOWN- This season we will be using the official PGA Tour model, meaning, if you play a weekly event, you will get points. The idea here is twofold, rewarding golfers that win, and guys who come out week after week, rain, cold or shine at the same time giving the guy who can’t come out every Saturday an opportunity to qualify for the playoffs if they play very well, and in the Majors.

SCROLL BELOW CHART FOR INDIVIDUAL PLAYER WRITE-UPS + PREDICTIONS

QUALIFYING FOR PLAYOFFS- The Top 12 (and ties) point earners in the regular season qualify for the FEDEX Cup playoffs this season. That’s a little less than 50% of our membership, the same as on the PGA Tour. Points carry over from the regular season into the playoffs. The Top 12 point earners will begin the playoffs on Saturday August 12 at the newly added FEDEX St. Jude Championship. The Top 8 following play that day will move on to the semi-finals on Saturday August 19 at the BMW Championship. The Top 4 following play that day make the final at the Tour Championship.

The player with the most points through two rounds of the playoffs receives the #1 seed for the Tour Championship and receives 10 additional handicap strokes. The rest of the qualifiers get strokes on a descending basis. Here is the breakdown.

#1 Seed- 10 strokes

#2 Seed- 7 strokes

#3 Seed- 4 strokes

#4 Seed- 1 stroke

With the logistics out of the way, let’s get to handicapping the field!

DARRELL COOK- (1,000,000 to 1)- Darrell prefers boating.

NICK CAREY (150-1)- Outside of an anomaly Covid season in 2021, Wasczuk-Carey has not finished inside the Top 15 in his KWGA career. That season he finished 5^th in the regular season mainly because he was not permitted to cross county lines, he HAD to play golf. No mid-season five week fishing trip to British Columbia to pretend he knows how to fly fish. I’ve seen that shoulder at work…aint no way Carey can cast a line more than 5 feet…and aint no way he wins the FEDEX Cup in 2023, especially since he will no doubt trying to cast more lines at squaws in Northern BC this summer.

NICK LEVY (150-1)- Captain Shitacular, when he is allowed to play, will battle hard and can make bushels of birdies every once in a while. It all adds up to, “what if Nick could actually play a full KWGA schedule?”  He would be Top 10 and talked about as someone to be scared of. However, right now, his sons are scarier than he is.

ROB LOWE- (140-1)- Mounties are taking a bad rap right now and so is Mr. Sex Tape himself after a disastrous 2022 campaign that saw him leave the KWGA nidway through the season. Even former RCMP inspector Claude Savoie is turning over in his grave. Now we all know Sex Tape prefers his liquor over Savoie and his cocaine but none of that should matter in 2023. Coaxed back into playing by his “man crush” Carey, Sex Tape has a lot to prove. Who knows what Carey has promised him for doing so. However, like Savoie, his window of winning has probably shut but at least Sex Tape can relax at home after a round with a clear conscience and enjoy his retirement with a drink, unlike Claude.

GEOFF FLECKNELL (140-1)- My childhood buddy came back to the game last season and showed flashes of talent unlike his beloved Habs. I tried to talk some sense into him years ago but he didn’t listen. The main culprit in these long odds is his playing schedule. No, not his golf schedule…his family’s soccer schedule. The sport where diving and writhing around in the grass is encouraged, tears him away from the purest form of recreation…golf. If he plays more than 10 regular season events, he could qualify for the playoffs. Any less, and he will just be another run of the mill squad…like his Habs.

JEFF LEGGE (135-1)- The “Third Legge” returns after a 3 season hiatus and not a moment too soon. Apparently, staying home and changing diapers got old quick because Legge’s email campaign to be reinstated was so desperate he even offered to clean my spikes, do my laundry and bring me donuts and coffee every KWGA morning. Still best known for his famous line 8 years ago…

Question (Me)- Where did you take her for your first date Jeff?

Answer (Jeff)- “Camping.”

Now I am not sure of many other men who would dare ask a lady out camping for a first meeting, so now you know what you are dealing with here. A sporadic KWGA schedule, small shit rat at home and rusty golf will weigh on him this season like that first night hunkered down in a tent with someone you don’t know. One eye open boys…one eye open.

BOB TRAINOR (130-1)- If you can’t like Bob Trainor…then you probably played football for SMU. I would be willing to bet that I would be able to count on one hand the number of offensive linemen that became golfers later in life. That being said, his penchant for missing big tournaments, hosting tea and crumpet parties at weird times on various Saturdays and leading the league in sweat stains for the fifth straight year will keep him out of any trophy presentation. Not to mention weirdly timed trips to Ireland for Opening Day.

JOHNNY KENNY (130-1)- Another loveable character that even became a movie star last year. However, he has several obstacles in his way to a FEDEX Cup crown, namely Phil Feely and Premier League soccer. Too many Saturday mornings sitting in his underwear with Phil watching Tottenham and Crystal Palace instead of grinding away at KenWo GC. The Denim Cowboy has just one Top 10 FEDEX finish in his KWGA career (3^rd in 2020) but yet he still remains a fan favorite like Rickie Fowler somehow does. At least Rickie didn’t defect to the LIV Tour.

KEVIN NEWCOMBE (125-1)- Kevin is like your grandmother’s freshly baked homemade bread…dipped in diarrhea. You REALLY do want to enjoy it more than you can. Thankfully, he will be able to smell shit more often now that he has a property in Cape Breton to go to whenever he is…nevermind. Hunchback has only qualified for the playoffs once since 2017. A 5 handicap to begin the season will no doubt mean a slow start so who knows when he will be able to right the ship. It all adds up to the biggest wave of diarrhea crashing into a crowded beach that you will never see. Good luck Kevin…you will need it.

BOB MAXWELL (120-1) With his radio in tow, Maxwell-Smart looks more like a Travelling Wilbury on the course than a golfer but the game that lies between those lyrics reminds everyone more of John Lennon than a Travelling Wilbury. This isn’t about the talent, it’s about him loving rabbit meat more than golf trophies. Only once in his FEDEX Cup career has he finished inside the Top 10…but he has more rabbit legs hung up on his cabin walls than Elmer Fudd boys.

MARTIN SUTER (115-1) Mar-Tain’s rookie season started with a thud but trended in the right direction as the season closed. You have to respect a man than renovates a 20 million dollar home across from a Kings Transit bus stop and you have to respect a man that counts ‘em all up, even when the numbers were big to start the season. However, this is another man cut from the same cloth as Trainor, a man that loves to host parties on weird Saturdays and serve things I cannot pronounce. For that reason alone his odds are over 100-1.

TOM THOMSON (110-1) Now he says he is going to play a lot this season…but who knows. What I do know is that his bag has what it takes to win after a spending spree on clubs last year. He wintered in Florida and played his fair share of golf. He will be in the Top 5 of best drivers (accuracy + distance) of the golf ball on Tour this season. However, there will be Saturdays when he has a gig to play in dumps like Blandford, Weymouth and Cocagne, NB…so the concentration may wane at those times. Still going through a probationary period for membership he should just do what we all did to get in…take a run at the Green Hornet, right fellas?…and send the video to Rene’.

SCOTT WOODWORTH (100-1) We are all so thankful that “Scottie Showcase” was finally diagnosed and the diarrhea is the thing of the past. Thank God for modern medicine eh? The golf trend was also shitty last season as the mountain dweller finished a distant 17^th in FEDEX Cup points and 12^th in 2021. The leaking may require at least four ply toilet paper to clean up. The one good thing about “Showcase” is that he will be there every week grinding away when others decide to take a week off to visit “friends” in PEI or whatever.

KEVIN POIRIER (95-1) Digesting everything KK says is easier than digesting his beef jerky, without the diarrhea…but it’s still not easy. Mr. Wildcat bounced back last year finishing 5^th in the regular season after a half decade of missing the playoffs. Some have pointed to scar tissue from difficult losses and runner-up finishes in 2015 and 2017 while some have just pointed to his son entering the league and quietly stealing his shine. Whatever it’s been, with some new killers in the KWGA, it’s going to take a Herculean effort to get back to glory of his 2016 FEDEX Cup title.

KEVIN DICKIE (90-1) The KWGA’s lone rookie this season comes into 2023 with zero expectations. The adjustment period usually takes 6-8 tournaments before one becomes fully comfortable with the groups ever ranging idiosyncrasies/disabilities.  One thing is for sure, no rookie’s arrival has sparked as many nor such vehement requests for a specific nickname. It’s almost like he has Corey (KK) and Trevor (Tim) working for him, falling over his every word already. They wanted “Sangria Boy”…but I’m calling you “Ricky Dickie”… “Corey, Trevor…Balls, tees…(finger snapping)…Let’s go!”

BARRY HENNIGAR (80-1) Just three seasons ago, Mr. Hennigar finished 1^st in the regular season, only to suffer a crushing defeat to Inspector Gadget in the final. The last two seasons have not been so kind and some are pointing to his “Leaf scar tissue” as a possible cause. But I am not here to beat up on Barry because I like his backyard and want to be invited to his KWGA event on August 26. No KWGA swing looks as awkwardly the same every time yet produces varying results. Him performing in an adult film would look more coordinated in my opinion. Barry could easily be in the Top 5 when this thing culminates in his backyard and maybe even holding up the trophy…if he doesn’t go to Toronto for 4 weeks in July.

LUC POIRIER (75-1) Who else has a swing coach on retainer? It has apparently been just the tonic needed as no golfer lowered their handicap more than “Luscious” Luc last season. The Young gun is now swimming with single digit handicap sharks for the first time in his career, not counting living in Yarmouth at one point in his life. He is proof positive that not everything coming out of Yarmouth is tarnished, tainted or demented (See The Sheriff). If he can play a full schedule, his odds go way up, but if I even see him talking with or even in the general vicinity as The Sheriff talking about anything other than golf, these odds go over 100-1.

HAROLD FISHER (70-1) I am not sure anyone gets more value out of their KenWo membership. He is the only KWGA’er that can make his average yearly cart cost be less than a Saturday rang. Mr. October has been consistent and made the playoffs eight consecutive seasons but yet to win a title. Maybe it’s because he goes to bed too early or wakes up too early,who knows?  I just know I can’t do either very well. Whenever I pick Harold to falter, he doesn’t, but sub-par 9^th and 15^th finishes two of the last three years made me do this.

JOHN AMIRAULT (69-1) There is nothing worse than a crooked cop. That’s why KWGA fans have such a hard time cheering for any of The Sheriff’s successes. I once told him that I had two things that he will NEVER have…a KWGA Major Championship…and my Grade 10. Now I can’t even say that after he won the Masters last year. Sickening I say. Every odd digit year, except for 2017 he has finished inside the Top 10, and what is 2023? An odd number for an odd duck. John, your hair is not perfect, your smile isn’t worthy of Hollywood stardom and anyone who hits a 5 iron off of #11 tee can NEVER win the FEDEX Cup. The Whispering Winds of Shit are a comin’ my dear friend.

DEREK THOMSON (66-1) Injuries have derailed his last three KWGA seasons but he remains one of only two members (Burke) to qualify for the FEDEX Cup playoffs every season (9). Nobody cares more about the FEDEX Cup than The Commissioner, because like Jesus Christ, where there was nothing…he created something. A successful winter in Florida has meant a head start along with an 8 handicap to begin the year gives him some leeway to make hay early on. Getting used to cold conditions and bumpier greens and terrain will also be factors…but if he can overcome hardened stool and the constant diversions and trappings of being the Commish…a return to glory is possible.

GERRY ELLIOTT (50-1) The defending FEDEX Cup Champion will start 2023 as a zero handicap which will no doubt have him hitting balls into his man cave screen for many more hours. The KWGA’s all-time money winner will bring his shoe box back to KenWo to fill it once again with birdies and rangs. However, giving away so many shots to the field each week starts to weigh heavily and that’s when shit tectonics takes over. Last year’s champion has collided with a few good golfers over his career, but winning net games consistently is like trying to hold back the giant wave of shit that inevitably occurs when plates collide in the KWGA.

WAYNE BURKE (45-1) Injuries have also hampered the Windsor Spitfire but that seems to be a thing of the past now after he was seen riding the Lazy River at his condo in Myrtle Beach. The 2015 champion makes a habit of getting into the mix every season and this one should be no different. His main obstacle to success is on the mornings that he has to ride with both Beantown and  The Hunchback. He says that Gary teases him about the Leafs and Blue Jays too much on the drive and that Kevin always talks over him and too loud in the vehicle. I couldn’t agree more to be honest Grampy.

RAY IVANY (40-1) It has become apparent that Ray is not intimidated by anyone in the league after a rookie season that saw him contend in two major championships  and finish 6^th in FEDEX Cup points. He pounds on opponents with a smile, disarming them of any humiliation, while laughing about us when he gets home and tells his wife. However, he was spotted hobbling around KenWo this week from an apparent Seadoo accident while doubling up with rookie Ricky Dickie in Venice Beach, Fla. Apparently one wasn’t holding onto the other tightly enough, but details are sketchy. Can this man win a title in his second year on Tour? Yes…but they say that a lot about a certain hockey team too.

MIKE WHITE (35-1) After some lean years to begin his career, The Phog figured this FEDEX thing out. Five straight Top 10 finishes includes back to back #1’s in 2018 and 2019. I just wish he had better control of his dogs. What’s working in Mike’s favour is that he plays every week, and once a season, he will bury the field with a gross 70-something to springboard him into said Top 10. Don’t let the weird smile or funny smell fool you. The Phog knows how to compete even in the face of disaster. SPOILER ALERT…After 9 long years, this is his year to make the FEDEX Cup Final Four.

CHRIS RUSHTON (20-1) There has never been a more dominant and consistent FEDEX Cupper than Inspector Gadget. He has yet to finish outside the Top 6 in his career spanning seven seasons that has included back to back to back titles. Go figure right? The confidence those titles have brought him can be seen in the new way he struts, the way he bosses around Nick and Tim and his general disdain for the common folk now. It’ not a bad thing. Every wrestling federation and golf league needs heels or bad guys. Expect The Gadget to be in the mix again when August rolls around because he’ll be there every week…and well…hemorrhoids can’t be cured in a day.

BRUCE FAGAN (15-1) “Bruce” Lee has finished both of his two KWGA seasons 2^nd in points, narrowly missing out on a title, losing by one stroke last season to Double Double. He’s another one who won’t let you know that it’s bothering him but I am sure he’d break into Gerry’s home if he knew where he was showcasing the hardware…and if there wasn’t some kind of deadly watch dog close by. Thankfully Lee is back close to 100% after some injury struggles which bodes well for his chances this season. His consistency is what will break down most of his competitors, like those little waves of shit that slowly erode at the beach and your happiness. Expect him to be there once again when the Tour championship rolls around in August.

GARY JOHNSON (10-1) If I could wipe my arse on his Boston Bruins golf bag…I would. “Beantown” is like trying to adopt a hand grenade, no matter how you dress it up for the parent visit, it’s still going to be bad for you. That being said, Johnson has struggled to pierce the Top 10 on a consistent basis but has shown that he can be a factor in the past. He has three Top 10 finishes and a FEDEX Cup title in 2018 in his career which is staggering considering his pedigree. Call this a hunch, but in a season his Bruins won a record number of games, I can’t bet against him. I love you Gary I just wish there were a few things I could change about you.

TIM PRESCOTT (5-1) In his only two FULL KWGA seasons, Indianapolis Jones has finished the season atop the regular season standings the last two years. However, it has gone mostly unnoticed because of his playoff disappointments, and well, because nobody remembers who lost Super Bowl 41 either right? For the record it was the Chicago Bears..and they lost to Timmy’s Colts 29-17 that year. This year the smiling assassin is no doubt motivated to finally break through the glass walls and “Make The KWGA Great Again”. Don’t pay any attention to his lisp or lazy eye, the man wants to win once he steps on the first tee each and every Saturday. FEDEX Cup Champion has a ring to it doesn’t it? This is the year.

2022 CANADIAN OPEN PREVIEW
“Luscious Luc” in the Crosshairs

KWGA fans won’t have to wait much longer to get another look at the league’s heart throb “Luscious” Luc as the hottest player heads into this week’s third and final Major tournament., the Canadian Open. Last week’s blitz on KenWo at the Cheeseburger Picnic puts the target squarely on the young Bedford boy for the first time in his career. The win was his 6th career in just 23 events making him the fastest to six since Double Double’s mockery of the league way back in 2014. However, the majors have not been kind to the brother of twin KK’s with just a 6th at The Masters and a distant 16th at The Players Championship just 3 weeks ago. What’s going for him this week? A rested body and mind after a week in the surf and sand and confidence that is so high he would even risk asking out Ariana Grande in front of her husband. What’s not in his favour? A newly minted 4 handicap that will feel like an abscess hemorroid on a hot summer’s day. Whether or not he wins Saturday will depend on a great start, with a confidence building that resembles something along the lines of a shit tsunami. That’s what happened last week. Can Saturday be deja vu all over again? “I know guys are not used to hearing me talk let alone tooting my own horn but surely the guys know by now I show up each Saturday not only to win, but embarrass them. Send them home to their wives covered in the after effects of a brown tidal wave of shit.” said a BioSteele swigging Luscious from his banana hammock in Parlee Beach. “I like those mornings the best, when I see them leave the golf course, quietly, almost shamefully. It makes me smirk inside knowing it was because of me.”

CEASAR’S SPORTSBOOK & CASINO
Las Vegas, NV
2022 Canadian Open Odds

Grampy (1-1)- You can feel the shit pressure in the air. This is his highest handicap (7) in a KWGA event EVER. Coming off a 73 last week. It all points in his direction…and if he wins you can bet we will hear about it, like the siren that blares from a shit barometer.
Bannister-Hennigar (3-1)- The shit clock is ticking on a breakout week. A talented player with an 8 handicap can only be held down so long. Should be well rested after being let off the shit rope this week.
Beantown Gary (4-1)- Soon Gary’s handicap will be so high he can just park in the lot and win. A twelve handicap this week works. Is there a 76 in his bag anytime soon? If there is, someone wake him out of his pretty vehicle and let him know.
Phog (5-1)- You give Mike 14 strokes and a lifetime supply of the Devil’s lettuce and he will eventually bite you. Is this the week he dusts off the Bowdoin College scrapbook? Or will his game erode like waves crashing on the beach, under the pressure of an undertoe of shit?
The Razor (6-1)- Second at The Masters, third at The Players Championship. The KWGA’s Greg Norman of near misses. You wonder how..not why. What we can’t ignore is that this man is a .45 calibre Shit & Wesson pointed straight at our noggins.
Mr. October (7-1)- 13 handicap strokes for a Major winner last season is a lot. All that can stop him is if Bud runs “The Minnow” ashore in Aylesford once again and he can’t get to the golf course. It’s time to pull up the jib and take the shitliner back to shore.
Indy Jones (8-1)- A bargain at these odds simply because of the bushel of birds this man can make in a round. If you see beads of sweat pouring off his shiny dome, it means he is having a long day. However, if you see him smiling, the knife is already deep inside.
Double Double (9-1)- A hole-in-one at Avon Valley last weekend (Congrats Gerry!) won’t mean a chocolate shitsicle once he arrives at KenWo Saturday. You see, once you enter Gerry’s golf shitisphere, you tend to slip away, grasping and pulling tightly, but sinking faster, the harder you try.
Luscious Luc (10-1)- He started as shit larvae, then a shiterpillar and bloomed into a shitmoth right in front of our eyes. But Shit Apples that fall from a Shit Tree can’t win ’em all. There has not been a back to back week champion on the KWGA tour since Trudeau took office it seems. That doesn’t mean you can’t cheer for him.
Bruce Lee (11-1)- 18 pars would win this championship. I dare say this golf and Kung Fu master could do it. If I was in Vegas, at these odds, that’s where my money would go. There, and a few choice strippers of course.
Gadget (12-1)- A week away from the bride in Ottawa without constraint on what he eats and/or drinks. Keeping an eye on a teenage daughter. A late week flight back into town. It adds up to shit and strawberry shortcake for dessert. It just doesn’t mix.
Commissioner (13-1)- No results this season. A big toenail that is black & red and hanging by a thread. No breaks. A 5 handicap. Has he cried Shit Wolf too many times? It’s more likely he has a “helicopter” toss than a Major title this Saturday.
Captain Shitacular (14-1)- Shows up for majors and for breaks from his family once in a while and fires a 75 or an 85. I will let you choose. All I know is I would rather be a convicted rapist in a South American prison than be Nick Levy.
Bobby Clobber (15-1)- “Where’s Waldo” may have left for Annapolis Co., but Clobber is starting to resemble that mantra. No results, sporadic play. He starts at Left Guard for the Axemen again before he wins the Canadian Open.
The Sheriff (16-1)- I usually list him last but I can’t ignore this season’s play. Two rounds in the 70’s? Really? It’s as mind boggling as how he managed to get a woman as pretty as his wife to say yes. I am guessing he used a burlap rag slathered with shit and liquid ether to make it happen.
Waszchuk-Carey (17-1)- OK, so, you are telling me, after a month in the wilderness that is Northern BC, that Nick comes home and wins? If he even breaks 100… I will personally drive him back. But sometimes it’s just better to watch a shit tree grow than to try and shake the shit out of it. Good luck Nick. Welcome back my son.
Sex Tape Rob (18-1)- I suggest he have a few more drinks than normal up in Morden this Friday Night. Welcome back Robert.

LOVE ME SOME ME
Indy Jones Needs Extra Laps…
Wins 2022 Players Championship in Playoff

Tuesday June 28, 2022

DOUBLE DOUBLE BY A THREAD

With nine events and one Major in the books, the picture has started to take shape for the 2022 Race to the FEDEX Cup. Double Double clings to a 1/2 point lead over Indianapolis Jones thanks in large part to a consistent and powerful start to the season that includes a league leading 19 birdies and 1 eagle in just 6 events. The explosion of red numbers has sent shockwaves through the league and a few guys ordering indoor simulators for the winter months. However, sickness has recently swept through Tim Horton’s abode, sidelining him, and bringing the pack back into contention for that all important #1 seed. The mysterious illness was rumoured to be elephantitis of the right tentacle but that was quashed quickly. “Boys, everyone relax. I’ve had a massive bout with the butt pee if you must know. I am producing about 1.7 litres of chocolate bowel milk which is way too much to try and walk through 18 holes.” said a discouraged Tims cruller. “Add in the fact that most Chinese restaurants have stopped giving out free wet naps and the price of dinner rolls has skyrocketed like Russian gas, now you know why I have been home letting you guys catch me on the leaderboard.”

Without doubt this season’s biggest surprise has been the play of our overly heavy handed Sheriff. The big prick has his own bushel full of birdies (7) already eclipsing last season’s total and currently ahead of even Grampy Lahey. The Sheriff sits just 1.5 points out of first place but is listed as questionable this week. He told KWGA reporters that he is scheduled for an  MRI on his bird, but investigative reporters have confirmed it’s a pap smear after all. “You pricks can make fun of me and try and throw me off of my game but it won’t work I tell ya.” said a furious Sheriff from the Gynos office waiting room. “This is my year. You know how I know? When ya rattle a 25 foot putt off the flag stick on the 18^th hole of The Masters, when it would have rolled 20 feet past, it’s a sign. Like when your grade 12 chemistry teacher winks at you. Now leave me alone will ya!”

Also making waves this season is the French Family Poiriers who sit 4^th (KK) and 7^th (Luc). The duo has taken turns vaulting up and down the standings. Mr. Wildcat has been consistent and spectacular at times with two wins already while Cool Hand Luc could be leading the standings if he didn’t date so much. His attention span for golf has been about as consistent as Pepe Le Pew’s once he gets a whiff of some quiff. “I have taught my son everything he knows. The young man knows how to stickhandle on the ice and now we are about to find out if he can stickhandle his way through the Pro Shop without walking into any clothes racks.”

The Commissioner dropped from second all the way to 5^th this week after a disastrous outing at the Heritage Classic on Saturday. Bannister-Hennigar sits in a solid 7^th place, while Bruce Lee, Maxwell-Smart and Mr. October round out the Top 10. Current three-peat champion Inspector Gadget sits in 11^th and will be one to watch in the coming weeks as he continues to swirl around in the handicap sweet spot. Lastly, for the first time in KWGA history, Grampy Lahey is outside the qualification zone sitting in 17^th place…unfamiliar territory to say the least.

Bobby Clobber Enters The Shit Vortex

A tension filled morning turned macabre Saturday as Bobby La Clobber turned a milkshake into bowel milk with what can only be called the most ridiclous birdie in recent KWGA memory. After a 5-5-5 start, Clobber tightened his chin strap and smashed his drive down the left centre of the fairway then roped without doubt the best iron of his LIFE right over the flag stick, the ball nestling softly about 9.8 feet away. The relief and pride could be seen all over his face and in a suddenly more confident gait. However, things would soon turn sour, like when precious, sweet donair meat is left out in the warm air or under a bed too long. Those drunk chunks that dribble off your cheek at 2am after a bingeful night of imbibing. As Clobber approached the 4th green, he confidently let go of his pretty power buggy…but it had ideas of its own. It was soon obvious that Clobber had no idea how to operate the vehicle, and it simply drifted away into the shit vortex…destination shit brown pond water. Clobber quickly realized his mistake, and began to run, run like his Acadia footballs days. Just as quickly as he started to run, he stopped. Resigned to the fact that the buggy was giving way to said shit vortex…and in it went. His playing partners quickly rushed to his aid, after taking a few snap shots, pulling the fish infested bag safely to the now shitty shore. In fact, I am willing to bet that the stables at the Kentucky Derby smell better than La Clobber’s golf bag now. Unfathambly, after all that and creating a logjam of KenWo members behind him, La Clobber stepped up and drained that 9.8 footer for the birdie that just made no sense. The moral of the story is…always get a remote with a power cart…and never get too close to the shit vortex.

“THE SHERIFF”
JOHN AMIRAULT