FEDEX Cup Update

Tuesday June 28, 2022

DOUBLE DOUBLE BY A THREAD

With nine events and one Major in the books, the picture has started to take shape for the 2022 Race to the FEDEX Cup. Double Double clings to a 1/2 point lead over Indianapolis Jones thanks in large part to a consistent and powerful start to the season that includes a league leading 19 birdies and 1 eagle in just 6 events. The explosion of red numbers has sent shockwaves through the league and a few guys ordering indoor simulators for the winter months. However, sickness has recently swept through Tim Horton’s abode, sidelining him, and bringing the pack back into contention for that all important #1 seed. The mysterious illness was rumoured to be elephantitis of the right tentacle but that was quashed quickly. “Boys, everyone relax. I’ve had a massive bout with the butt pee if you must know. I am producing about 1.7 litres of chocolate bowel milk which is way too much to try and walk through 18 holes.” said a discouraged Tims cruller. “Add in the fact that most Chinese restaurants have stopped giving out free wet naps and the price of dinner rolls has skyrocketed like Russian gas, now you know why I have been home letting you guys catch me on the leaderboard.”

Without doubt this season’s biggest surprise has been the play of our overly heavy handed Sheriff. The big prick has his own bushel full of birdies (7) already eclipsing last season’s total and currently ahead of even Grampy Lahey. The Sheriff sits just 1.5 points out of first place but is listed as questionable this week. He told KWGA reporters that he is scheduled for an  MRI on his bird, but investigative reporters have confirmed it’s a pap smear after all. “You pricks can make fun of me and try and throw me off of my game but it won’t work I tell ya.” said a furious Sheriff from the Gynos office waiting room. “This is my year. You know how I know? When ya rattle a 25 foot putt off the flag stick on the 18^th hole of The Masters, when it would have rolled 20 feet past, it’s a sign. Like when your grade 12 chemistry teacher winks at you. Now leave me alone will ya!”

Also making waves this season is the French Family Poiriers who sit 4^th (KK) and 7^th (Luc). The duo has taken turns vaulting up and down the standings. Mr. Wildcat has been consistent and spectacular at times with two wins already while Cool Hand Luc could be leading the standings if he didn’t date so much. His attention span for golf has been about as consistent as Pepe Le Pew’s once he gets a whiff of some quiff. “I have taught my son everything he knows. The young man knows how to stickhandle on the ice and now we are about to find out if he can stickhandle his way through the Pro Shop without walking into any clothes racks.”

The Commissioner dropped from second all the way to 5^th this week after a disastrous outing at the Heritage Classic on Saturday. Bannister-Hennigar sits in a solid 7^th place, while Bruce Lee, Maxwell-Smart and Mr. October round out the Top 10. Current three-peat champion Inspector Gadget sits in 11^th and will be one to watch in the coming weeks as he continues to swirl around in the handicap sweet spot. Lastly, for the first time in KWGA history, Grampy Lahey is outside the qualification zone sitting in 17^th place…unfamiliar territory to say the least.

Bobby Clobber Enters The Shit Vortex

A tension filled morning turned macabre Saturday as Bobby La Clobber turned a milkshake into bowel milk with what can only be called the most ridiclous birdie in recent KWGA memory. After a 5-5-5 start, Clobber tightened his chin strap and smashed his drive down the left centre of the fairway then roped without doubt the best iron of his LIFE right over the flag stick, the ball nestling softly about 9.8 feet away. The relief and pride could be seen all over his face and in a suddenly more confident gait. However, things would soon turn sour, like when precious, sweet donair meat is left out in the warm air or under a bed too long. Those drunk chunks that dribble off your cheek at 2am after a bingeful night of imbibing. As Clobber approached the 4th green, he confidently let go of his pretty power buggy…but it had ideas of its own. It was soon obvious that Clobber had no idea how to operate the vehicle, and it simply drifted away into the shit vortex…destination shit brown pond water. Clobber quickly realized his mistake, and began to run, run like his Acadia footballs days. Just as quickly as he started to run, he stopped. Resigned to the fact that the buggy was giving way to said shit vortex…and in it went. His playing partners quickly rushed to his aid, after taking a few snap shots, pulling the fish infested bag safely to the now shitty shore. In fact, I am willing to bet that the stables at the Kentucky Derby smell better than La Clobber’s golf bag now. Unfathambly, after all that and creating a logjam of KenWo members behind him, La Clobber stepped up and drained that 9.8 footer for the birdie that just made no sense. The moral of the story is…always get a remote with a power cart…and never get too close to the shit vortex.