2023 FEDEX CUP PREVIEW

The Road to the FEDEX Cup begins this Saturday. Hands down, it’s the KWGA’s most difficult trophy to win. However, before I get into handicapping the field, I want to go over a couple of changes as we head into the 2023 season.

POINTS BREAKDOWN- This season we will be using the official PGA Tour model, meaning, if you play a weekly event, you will get points. The idea here is twofold, rewarding golfers that win, and guys who come out week after week, rain, cold or shine at the same time giving the guy who can’t come out every Saturday an opportunity to qualify for the playoffs if they play very well, and in the Majors.

SCROLL BELOW CHART FOR INDIVIDUAL PLAYER WRITE-UPS + PREDICTIONS

QUALIFYING FOR PLAYOFFS- The Top 12 (and ties) point earners in the regular season qualify for the FEDEX Cup playoffs this season. That’s a little less than 50% of our membership, the same as on the PGA Tour. Points carry over from the regular season into the playoffs. The Top 12 point earners will begin the playoffs on Saturday August 12 at the newly added FEDEX St. Jude Championship. The Top 8 following play that day will move on to the semi-finals on Saturday August 19 at the BMW Championship. The Top 4 following play that day make the final at the Tour Championship.

The player with the most points through two rounds of the playoffs receives the #1 seed for the Tour Championship and receives 10 additional handicap strokes. The rest of the qualifiers get strokes on a descending basis. Here is the breakdown.

#1 Seed- 10 strokes

#2 Seed- 7 strokes

#3 Seed- 4 strokes

#4 Seed- 1 stroke

With the logistics out of the way, let’s get to handicapping the field!

DARRELL COOK- (1,000,000 to 1)- Darrell prefers boating.

NICK CAREY (150-1)- Outside of an anomaly Covid season in 2021, Wasczuk-Carey has not finished inside the Top 15 in his KWGA career. That season he finished 5^th in the regular season mainly because he was not permitted to cross county lines, he HAD to play golf. No mid-season five week fishing trip to British Columbia to pretend he knows how to fly fish. I’ve seen that shoulder at work…aint no way Carey can cast a line more than 5 feet…and aint no way he wins the FEDEX Cup in 2023, especially since he will no doubt trying to cast more lines at squaws in Northern BC this summer.

NICK LEVY (150-1)- Captain Shitacular, when he is allowed to play, will battle hard and can make bushels of birdies every once in a while. It all adds up to, “what if Nick could actually play a full KWGA schedule?”  He would be Top 10 and talked about as someone to be scared of. However, right now, his sons are scarier than he is.

ROB LOWE- (140-1)- Mounties are taking a bad rap right now and so is Mr. Sex Tape himself after a disastrous 2022 campaign that saw him leave the KWGA nidway through the season. Even former RCMP inspector Claude Savoie is turning over in his grave. Now we all know Sex Tape prefers his liquor over Savoie and his cocaine but none of that should matter in 2023. Coaxed back into playing by his “man crush” Carey, Sex Tape has a lot to prove. Who knows what Carey has promised him for doing so. However, like Savoie, his window of winning has probably shut but at least Sex Tape can relax at home after a round with a clear conscience and enjoy his retirement with a drink, unlike Claude.

GEOFF FLECKNELL (140-1)- My childhood buddy came back to the game last season and showed flashes of talent unlike his beloved Habs. I tried to talk some sense into him years ago but he didn’t listen. The main culprit in these long odds is his playing schedule. No, not his golf schedule…his family’s soccer schedule. The sport where diving and writhing around in the grass is encouraged, tears him away from the purest form of recreation…golf. If he plays more than 10 regular season events, he could qualify for the playoffs. Any less, and he will just be another run of the mill squad…like his Habs.

JEFF LEGGE (135-1)- The “Third Legge” returns after a 3 season hiatus and not a moment too soon. Apparently, staying home and changing diapers got old quick because Legge’s email campaign to be reinstated was so desperate he even offered to clean my spikes, do my laundry and bring me donuts and coffee every KWGA morning. Still best known for his famous line 8 years ago…

Question (Me)- Where did you take her for your first date Jeff?

Answer (Jeff)- “Camping.”

Now I am not sure of many other men who would dare ask a lady out camping for a first meeting, so now you know what you are dealing with here. A sporadic KWGA schedule, small shit rat at home and rusty golf will weigh on him this season like that first night hunkered down in a tent with someone you don’t know. One eye open boys…one eye open.

BOB TRAINOR (130-1)- If you can’t like Bob Trainor…then you probably played football for SMU. I would be willing to bet that I would be able to count on one hand the number of offensive linemen that became golfers later in life. That being said, his penchant for missing big tournaments, hosting tea and crumpet parties at weird times on various Saturdays and leading the league in sweat stains for the fifth straight year will keep him out of any trophy presentation. Not to mention weirdly timed trips to Ireland for Opening Day.

JOHNNY KENNY (130-1)- Another loveable character that even became a movie star last year. However, he has several obstacles in his way to a FEDEX Cup crown, namely Phil Feely and Premier League soccer. Too many Saturday mornings sitting in his underwear with Phil watching Tottenham and Crystal Palace instead of grinding away at KenWo GC. The Denim Cowboy has just one Top 10 FEDEX finish in his KWGA career (3^rd in 2020) but yet he still remains a fan favorite like Rickie Fowler somehow does. At least Rickie didn’t defect to the LIV Tour.

KEVIN NEWCOMBE (125-1)- Kevin is like your grandmother’s freshly baked homemade bread…dipped in diarrhea. You REALLY do want to enjoy it more than you can. Thankfully, he will be able to smell shit more often now that he has a property in Cape Breton to go to whenever he is…nevermind. Hunchback has only qualified for the playoffs once since 2017. A 5 handicap to begin the season will no doubt mean a slow start so who knows when he will be able to right the ship. It all adds up to the biggest wave of diarrhea crashing into a crowded beach that you will never see. Good luck Kevin…you will need it.

BOB MAXWELL (120-1) With his radio in tow, Maxwell-Smart looks more like a Travelling Wilbury on the course than a golfer but the game that lies between those lyrics reminds everyone more of John Lennon than a Travelling Wilbury. This isn’t about the talent, it’s about him loving rabbit meat more than golf trophies. Only once in his FEDEX Cup career has he finished inside the Top 10…but he has more rabbit legs hung up on his cabin walls than Elmer Fudd boys.

MARTIN SUTER (115-1) Mar-Tain’s rookie season started with a thud but trended in the right direction as the season closed. You have to respect a man than renovates a 20 million dollar home across from a Kings Transit bus stop and you have to respect a man that counts ‘em all up, even when the numbers were big to start the season. However, this is another man cut from the same cloth as Trainor, a man that loves to host parties on weird Saturdays and serve things I cannot pronounce. For that reason alone his odds are over 100-1.

TOM THOMSON (110-1) Now he says he is going to play a lot this season…but who knows. What I do know is that his bag has what it takes to win after a spending spree on clubs last year. He wintered in Florida and played his fair share of golf. He will be in the Top 5 of best drivers (accuracy + distance) of the golf ball on Tour this season. However, there will be Saturdays when he has a gig to play in dumps like Blandford, Weymouth and Cocagne, NB…so the concentration may wane at those times. Still going through a probationary period for membership he should just do what we all did to get in…take a run at the Green Hornet, right fellas?…and send the video to Rene’.

SCOTT WOODWORTH (100-1) We are all so thankful that “Scottie Showcase” was finally diagnosed and the diarrhea is the thing of the past. Thank God for modern medicine eh? The golf trend was also shitty last season as the mountain dweller finished a distant 17^th in FEDEX Cup points and 12^th in 2021. The leaking may require at least four ply toilet paper to clean up. The one good thing about “Showcase” is that he will be there every week grinding away when others decide to take a week off to visit “friends” in PEI or whatever.

KEVIN POIRIER (95-1) Digesting everything KK says is easier than digesting his beef jerky, without the diarrhea…but it’s still not easy. Mr. Wildcat bounced back last year finishing 5^th in the regular season after a half decade of missing the playoffs. Some have pointed to scar tissue from difficult losses and runner-up finishes in 2015 and 2017 while some have just pointed to his son entering the league and quietly stealing his shine. Whatever it’s been, with some new killers in the KWGA, it’s going to take a Herculean effort to get back to glory of his 2016 FEDEX Cup title.

KEVIN DICKIE (90-1) The KWGA’s lone rookie this season comes into 2023 with zero expectations. The adjustment period usually takes 6-8 tournaments before one becomes fully comfortable with the groups ever ranging idiosyncrasies/disabilities.  One thing is for sure, no rookie’s arrival has sparked as many nor such vehement requests for a specific nickname. It’s almost like he has Corey (KK) and Trevor (Tim) working for him, falling over his every word already. They wanted “Sangria Boy”…but I’m calling you “Ricky Dickie”… “Corey, Trevor…Balls, tees…(finger snapping)…Let’s go!”

BARRY HENNIGAR (80-1) Just three seasons ago, Mr. Hennigar finished 1^st in the regular season, only to suffer a crushing defeat to Inspector Gadget in the final. The last two seasons have not been so kind and some are pointing to his “Leaf scar tissue” as a possible cause. But I am not here to beat up on Barry because I like his backyard and want to be invited to his KWGA event on August 26. No KWGA swing looks as awkwardly the same every time yet produces varying results. Him performing in an adult film would look more coordinated in my opinion. Barry could easily be in the Top 5 when this thing culminates in his backyard and maybe even holding up the trophy…if he doesn’t go to Toronto for 4 weeks in July.

LUC POIRIER (75-1) Who else has a swing coach on retainer? It has apparently been just the tonic needed as no golfer lowered their handicap more than “Luscious” Luc last season. The Young gun is now swimming with single digit handicap sharks for the first time in his career, not counting living in Yarmouth at one point in his life. He is proof positive that not everything coming out of Yarmouth is tarnished, tainted or demented (See The Sheriff). If he can play a full schedule, his odds go way up, but if I even see him talking with or even in the general vicinity as The Sheriff talking about anything other than golf, these odds go over 100-1.

HAROLD FISHER (70-1) I am not sure anyone gets more value out of their KenWo membership. He is the only KWGA’er that can make his average yearly cart cost be less than a Saturday rang. Mr. October has been consistent and made the playoffs eight consecutive seasons but yet to win a title. Maybe it’s because he goes to bed too early or wakes up too early,who knows?  I just know I can’t do either very well. Whenever I pick Harold to falter, he doesn’t, but sub-par 9^th and 15^th finishes two of the last three years made me do this.

JOHN AMIRAULT (69-1) There is nothing worse than a crooked cop. That’s why KWGA fans have such a hard time cheering for any of The Sheriff’s successes. I once told him that I had two things that he will NEVER have…a KWGA Major Championship…and my Grade 10. Now I can’t even say that after he won the Masters last year. Sickening I say. Every odd digit year, except for 2017 he has finished inside the Top 10, and what is 2023? An odd number for an odd duck. John, your hair is not perfect, your smile isn’t worthy of Hollywood stardom and anyone who hits a 5 iron off of #11 tee can NEVER win the FEDEX Cup. The Whispering Winds of Shit are a comin’ my dear friend.

DEREK THOMSON (66-1) Injuries have derailed his last three KWGA seasons but he remains one of only two members (Burke) to qualify for the FEDEX Cup playoffs every season (9). Nobody cares more about the FEDEX Cup than The Commissioner, because like Jesus Christ, where there was nothing…he created something. A successful winter in Florida has meant a head start along with an 8 handicap to begin the year gives him some leeway to make hay early on. Getting used to cold conditions and bumpier greens and terrain will also be factors…but if he can overcome hardened stool and the constant diversions and trappings of being the Commish…a return to glory is possible.

GERRY ELLIOTT (50-1) The defending FEDEX Cup Champion will start 2023 as a zero handicap which will no doubt have him hitting balls into his man cave screen for many more hours. The KWGA’s all-time money winner will bring his shoe box back to KenWo to fill it once again with birdies and rangs. However, giving away so many shots to the field each week starts to weigh heavily and that’s when shit tectonics takes over. Last year’s champion has collided with a few good golfers over his career, but winning net games consistently is like trying to hold back the giant wave of shit that inevitably occurs when plates collide in the KWGA.

WAYNE BURKE (45-1) Injuries have also hampered the Windsor Spitfire but that seems to be a thing of the past now after he was seen riding the Lazy River at his condo in Myrtle Beach. The 2015 champion makes a habit of getting into the mix every season and this one should be no different. His main obstacle to success is on the mornings that he has to ride with both Beantown and  The Hunchback. He says that Gary teases him about the Leafs and Blue Jays too much on the drive and that Kevin always talks over him and too loud in the vehicle. I couldn’t agree more to be honest Grampy.

RAY IVANY (40-1) It has become apparent that Ray is not intimidated by anyone in the league after a rookie season that saw him contend in two major championships  and finish 6^th in FEDEX Cup points. He pounds on opponents with a smile, disarming them of any humiliation, while laughing about us when he gets home and tells his wife. However, he was spotted hobbling around KenWo this week from an apparent Seadoo accident while doubling up with rookie Ricky Dickie in Venice Beach, Fla. Apparently one wasn’t holding onto the other tightly enough, but details are sketchy. Can this man win a title in his second year on Tour? Yes…but they say that a lot about a certain hockey team too.

MIKE WHITE (35-1) After some lean years to begin his career, The Phog figured this FEDEX thing out. Five straight Top 10 finishes includes back to back #1’s in 2018 and 2019. I just wish he had better control of his dogs. What’s working in Mike’s favour is that he plays every week, and once a season, he will bury the field with a gross 70-something to springboard him into said Top 10. Don’t let the weird smile or funny smell fool you. The Phog knows how to compete even in the face of disaster. SPOILER ALERT…After 9 long years, this is his year to make the FEDEX Cup Final Four.

CHRIS RUSHTON (20-1) There has never been a more dominant and consistent FEDEX Cupper than Inspector Gadget. He has yet to finish outside the Top 6 in his career spanning seven seasons that has included back to back to back titles. Go figure right? The confidence those titles have brought him can be seen in the new way he struts, the way he bosses around Nick and Tim and his general disdain for the common folk now. It’ not a bad thing. Every wrestling federation and golf league needs heels or bad guys. Expect The Gadget to be in the mix again when August rolls around because he’ll be there every week…and well…hemorrhoids can’t be cured in a day.

BRUCE FAGAN (15-1) “Bruce” Lee has finished both of his two KWGA seasons 2^nd in points, narrowly missing out on a title, losing by one stroke last season to Double Double. He’s another one who won’t let you know that it’s bothering him but I am sure he’d break into Gerry’s home if he knew where he was showcasing the hardware…and if there wasn’t some kind of deadly watch dog close by. Thankfully Lee is back close to 100% after some injury struggles which bodes well for his chances this season. His consistency is what will break down most of his competitors, like those little waves of shit that slowly erode at the beach and your happiness. Expect him to be there once again when the Tour championship rolls around in August.

GARY JOHNSON (10-1) If I could wipe my arse on his Boston Bruins golf bag…I would. “Beantown” is like trying to adopt a hand grenade, no matter how you dress it up for the parent visit, it’s still going to be bad for you. That being said, Johnson has struggled to pierce the Top 10 on a consistent basis but has shown that he can be a factor in the past. He has three Top 10 finishes and a FEDEX Cup title in 2018 in his career which is staggering considering his pedigree. Call this a hunch, but in a season his Bruins won a record number of games, I can’t bet against him. I love you Gary I just wish there were a few things I could change about you.

TIM PRESCOTT (5-1) In his only two FULL KWGA seasons, Indianapolis Jones has finished the season atop the regular season standings the last two years. However, it has gone mostly unnoticed because of his playoff disappointments, and well, because nobody remembers who lost Super Bowl 41 either right? For the record it was the Chicago Bears..and they lost to Timmy’s Colts 29-17 that year. This year the smiling assassin is no doubt motivated to finally break through the glass walls and “Make The KWGA Great Again”. Don’t pay any attention to his lisp or lazy eye, the man wants to win once he steps on the first tee each and every Saturday. FEDEX Cup Champion has a ring to it doesn’t it? This is the year.