2022 CANADIAN OPEN PREVIEW

2022 CANADIAN OPEN PREVIEW
“Luscious Luc” in the Crosshairs

KWGA fans won’t have to wait much longer to get another look at the league’s heart throb “Luscious” Luc as the hottest player heads into this week’s third and final Major tournament., the Canadian Open. Last week’s blitz on KenWo at the Cheeseburger Picnic puts the target squarely on the young Bedford boy for the first time in his career. The win was his 6th career in just 23 events making him the fastest to six since Double Double’s mockery of the league way back in 2014. However, the majors have not been kind to the brother of twin KK’s with just a 6th at The Masters and a distant 16th at The Players Championship just 3 weeks ago. What’s going for him this week? A rested body and mind after a week in the surf and sand and confidence that is so high he would even risk asking out Ariana Grande in front of her husband. What’s not in his favour? A newly minted 4 handicap that will feel like an abscess hemorroid on a hot summer’s day. Whether or not he wins Saturday will depend on a great start, with a confidence building that resembles something along the lines of a shit tsunami. That’s what happened last week. Can Saturday be deja vu all over again? “I know guys are not used to hearing me talk let alone tooting my own horn but surely the guys know by now I show up each Saturday not only to win, but embarrass them. Send them home to their wives covered in the after effects of a brown tidal wave of shit.” said a BioSteele swigging Luscious from his banana hammock in Parlee Beach. “I like those mornings the best, when I see them leave the golf course, quietly, almost shamefully. It makes me smirk inside knowing it was because of me.”

CEASAR’S SPORTSBOOK & CASINO
Las Vegas, NV
2022 Canadian Open Odds

Grampy (1-1)- You can feel the shit pressure in the air. This is his highest handicap (7) in a KWGA event EVER. Coming off a 73 last week. It all points in his direction…and if he wins you can bet we will hear about it, like the siren that blares from a shit barometer.
Bannister-Hennigar (3-1)- The shit clock is ticking on a breakout week. A talented player with an 8 handicap can only be held down so long. Should be well rested after being let off the shit rope this week.
Beantown Gary (4-1)- Soon Gary’s handicap will be so high he can just park in the lot and win. A twelve handicap this week works. Is there a 76 in his bag anytime soon? If there is, someone wake him out of his pretty vehicle and let him know.
Phog (5-1)- You give Mike 14 strokes and a lifetime supply of the Devil’s lettuce and he will eventually bite you. Is this the week he dusts off the Bowdoin College scrapbook? Or will his game erode like waves crashing on the beach, under the pressure of an undertoe of shit?
The Razor (6-1)- Second at The Masters, third at The Players Championship. The KWGA’s Greg Norman of near misses. You wonder how..not why. What we can’t ignore is that this man is a .45 calibre Shit & Wesson pointed straight at our noggins.
Mr. October (7-1)- 13 handicap strokes for a Major winner last season is a lot. All that can stop him is if Bud runs “The Minnow” ashore in Aylesford once again and he can’t get to the golf course. It’s time to pull up the jib and take the shitliner back to shore.
Indy Jones (8-1)- A bargain at these odds simply because of the bushel of birds this man can make in a round. If you see beads of sweat pouring off his shiny dome, it means he is having a long day. However, if you see him smiling, the knife is already deep inside.
Double Double (9-1)- A hole-in-one at Avon Valley last weekend (Congrats Gerry!) won’t mean a chocolate shitsicle once he arrives at KenWo Saturday. You see, once you enter Gerry’s golf shitisphere, you tend to slip away, grasping and pulling tightly, but sinking faster, the harder you try.
Luscious Luc (10-1)- He started as shit larvae, then a shiterpillar and bloomed into a shitmoth right in front of our eyes. But Shit Apples that fall from a Shit Tree can’t win ’em all. There has not been a back to back week champion on the KWGA tour since Trudeau took office it seems. That doesn’t mean you can’t cheer for him.
Bruce Lee (11-1)- 18 pars would win this championship. I dare say this golf and Kung Fu master could do it. If I was in Vegas, at these odds, that’s where my money would go. There, and a few choice strippers of course.
Gadget (12-1)- A week away from the bride in Ottawa without constraint on what he eats and/or drinks. Keeping an eye on a teenage daughter. A late week flight back into town. It adds up to shit and strawberry shortcake for dessert. It just doesn’t mix.
Commissioner (13-1)- No results this season. A big toenail that is black & red and hanging by a thread. No breaks. A 5 handicap. Has he cried Shit Wolf too many times? It’s more likely he has a “helicopter” toss than a Major title this Saturday.
Captain Shitacular (14-1)- Shows up for majors and for breaks from his family once in a while and fires a 75 or an 85. I will let you choose. All I know is I would rather be a convicted rapist in a South American prison than be Nick Levy.
Bobby Clobber (15-1)- “Where’s Waldo” may have left for Annapolis Co., but Clobber is starting to resemble that mantra. No results, sporadic play. He starts at Left Guard for the Axemen again before he wins the Canadian Open.
The Sheriff (16-1)- I usually list him last but I can’t ignore this season’s play. Two rounds in the 70’s? Really? It’s as mind boggling as how he managed to get a woman as pretty as his wife to say yes. I am guessing he used a burlap rag slathered with shit and liquid ether to make it happen.
Waszchuk-Carey (17-1)- OK, so, you are telling me, after a month in the wilderness that is Northern BC, that Nick comes home and wins? If he even breaks 100… I will personally drive him back. But sometimes it’s just better to watch a shit tree grow than to try and shake the shit out of it. Good luck Nick. Welcome back my son.
Sex Tape Rob (18-1)- I suggest he have a few more drinks than normal up in Morden this Friday Night. Welcome back Robert.