Monday May 8, 2023.
HANTS COUNTY HORSEMEN!
BURKE, ELLIOTT, JOHNSON & OMG NEWCOMBE…RUN FOR COVER
In case you haven’t been paying attention, the KWGA’s version of Ric Flair, Arn and Ollie Anderson have crossed the border into Kings County to strong arm the competition in consecutive weeks, roping in the Captain Crazy Invitational (Elliott & Burke) and last Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic (Johnson). The trio have ridden into New Minas with great smiles and haircuts. sending the women, children and anyone else KWGA related ducking for cover, filling their burlap bags with coins, free brunches and gas money aplenty along the way. The wins have not exactly been popular with the fan base prompting occasional shouts from the gallery, “Go back to Avon Valley” and “It feels like the LIV Tour winning at The Masters…we’d rather take Patrick Reed back.” Adding insult to injury, the fourth member of the Hants County Horsemen, The Hunchback, has stunned the fanbase with stellar play start to his season, buzzing The Commissioner’s Tower with his usual aplomb and missed tournament entry deadlines. “I can’t shout things at them like the fans are able to. They paid their money to see these guys play and can say what they want. I have to take the high road and grin and bear this less than popular start to our season.” said a dismissive Commissioner. “If they want to play the part of Bad Guy then that’s their perogative, but make my words Ricky, I won’t stand idly by and take it forever.”
Double-Double started things off at the Captain Crazy Invitational with a 72 gross and 72 net, a round that featured 3 birdies in less than ideal temperatures and some flagstick locations that were more difficult than a walk in the Viet Nam War- Da Nang jungle circa 1965. For his part, Grampy Burke took advantage of his bulky 8 handicap, spurring his horse with a birdie at #8 and a solid Front Nine 39. “Critcize me all you want, call me a sandbagger, whatever. All I know is that I got myself up and to the course when I would rather have been snuggled up against my wife’s pillows in my warm bed.” said a defiant Grampy. Double-Double echoed Grampy’s comments as the two high-fived and giggled at the post round press conference. Making matters even worse, the once docile, journeyman Bruins fan Beantown Gary came out of hibernation, ignoring the bounty signs stapled all over Kings County, to laso a victory at this past Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic. His round was highlighted by birdies at the Par 3 11th and 15th holes. His Gross 79 (Net 67) shocked even the most casual KWGA observers. “It felt like when Clint Eastwood finally got mad in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.” said a concerned Commissioner. “I guess he was still pissed about the Bruins getting bounced from the NHL playoffs and decided to take it out on innocent victims. I expect nothing less really but it’s still shocking when it happens.”
“Monday 9pm is the deadline to sign up for golf Kevin and Yes, pick-up on Saturday is 8am.”
Rumour now has it the quartet has bought an armoured vehicle to travel to KenWo together and hired security just in case things get rowdy at next Saturday’s Skoal Bandits Shootout, that’s if The Hunchback knows when and where to get picked up. That’s why two tin cans tied to a string were invented after all. That and the super effective iPhone. The one thing that is clear is that Hants County looks to be here to stay in 2023 with their eyes on all the bounty and a FEDEX Cup. “Listen, I have dealt with renegades in this league for a decade now. It’s not something I am afraid of.” said The Commissioner from his comfy chair in front of his computer. “I survived 8 years of The Rocket so if that doesn’t toughen you up, nothing will.” I am happy these Horsemen have had some success to start the year because they usually start to get grumpy when they don’t. Lets see how they handle success as the season goes on. You know what they say, “Tick tock…the shit clock is tickin’ Rick.”
FEDEX CUP UPDATE
Grampy’s victory at the Captain Crazy Invitational and runner-up finish at last Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic have vaulted him into first place from 13th with 760.00 points in the Race to the FEDEX Cup. It’s the first time Grampy has manned the top spot since his cup winning season of 2015 and with a 9 handicap, he will continue to roam the spring buds and flowers for another month in the handicap “sweet spot”. It will all make him as fun and easy to deal with as a shitsicle on a hot summer’s day. This is shaping up to be a long term run at another Cup.
Close behind in second and third places are The Commissioner (668.00 pts) and Beantown Gary (667.00 pts). The Commissioner’s opening week win has seen him trend in the wrong direction with a 4th and 15th place finish in the last two weeks. Not exactly in the handicap sweet spot at a current 6, The Commissioner will need to hang on for dear life for a few weeks and try and stay in the top half of the weekly leaderboard. Beantown Gary’s win on Saturday meant the world to him after swimming in mediocrity the first two weeks. His trend is upward 16th, 4th and a 1st. KWGA prognosticators had ranked Johnson #2 (10-1 odds) before the season began and many criticized them for such a prediction. I mean, Gary? Second? It’s looking pretty good now eh? Rounding out the Top 6 are last year’s champion Double-Double Elliott (573.00), Captain Shitacular Levy (490.00) and Indianapolis Jones Prescott (412.50). We know where Gerry is going…nowhere. Annoyingly consistent week after week, opponents will not want to see him come playoff time. If Nick Levy could show up every week the rest of us would be playing for second. I saw first hand on Saturday, he is longer and a lot straighter than he has ever been. However, chances are we won’t see the strong handed golfing battle axe for a few weeks, so you can exhale. Indianpolis Jones has been in the hunt every week and it’s just a matter of time before he breaks through in 2023 and gets his win and cements his place in the playoffs. I mean, you can’t hold a good man down for long, all you can do is hope the police arrive in time and wrestle the chloroform rag and gag ball kit from his possession.
KEEP AN EYE OUT…
Inspector Gadget- Armed with his powerful 16 handicap, the Wolfville harem protector and three time champion will have his own double barrelled pump action 5 iron pointed straight at the rest of the KWGA’s temple in the weeks to come.
Tom “Jagger” Thomson- It’s starting to take hold…Like a good abcess. Golf is in his veins once again. Currently sits in 14th place just two spots out of the playoffs. A 12 handicap is feasable. However, can he stay away from his music?
Phog- I don’t know if the season could have started out any worse for Mike. However, bad play means a higher handicap and if there is one thing the 20 time winner on Tour knows how to do…it’s take advantage of people. The outburst is coming.
FROM THE ROUGH
*Tough week for rookie member KD. How he made a 7 foot curler for par on the 3rd green, after all that, was nothing short of amazing. Hope you are doing better and that we see you again on Tour very soon.
*Positive news out of Yarmouth this week. It marked the 3rd straight trip to the dockyard for The Sheriff without being charged. “I was really worried about him missing another KWGA event.” said a relieved Commissioner. “I don’t know how he did it personally. There are so many temptations there for people without a Grade 10 education…not to mention a lot of people who indeed do not have a Grade 10 education.”
*This Tuesday morning marks our first week with our new tee time booking system. Make sure you communicate with the three other guys in your group to figure out who is volunteering this week and what tee time you are assigned to book. This is listed on the Skoal Bandits Shootout tournament tab. If you are unsure about ANYTHING tee time related, please call me!
*The website has been fully updated. You can find the leading money winners, FEDEX Cup Standings, Ringer Board, PRO*LINE weekly results and standings under STANDINGS. You can find your year to date statistics under TOUR STATISTICS.
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