THE  COMEBACK  KIDS

Front Row: Gavin, Newcombe, Poirier. Back Row: Lowe, Woodworth, D.Thomson, Irwin, Trainor, Burke. Missing Link: Fisher

Office of The Commissioner
Wolfville, NS
Friday May 17, 2019.

Boys…

We have 24 golfers signed up for Chester and the second annual Chesterfield Rugby Open next Saturday May 25. An amazing field to say the least! I have been in contact with Dan Fraser to let him know we will be requiring 6 tee times and between 6-9 power carts. He informed me that our tee times will be between 9:00am-9:45am. I still need to hear from five people in regard to whether they want to walk or cart or have no preference. I would like to get this done the sooner the better, that way I can make the groups so that you know you tee time well in advance and can make your travel plans thusly.I also emphasized to Danny the hope and need for seafood chowder after hearing it mentioned 5-10 times in the last week! Hopefully it will be on the menu because I don’t want them using MY dorsal fin to start an emergency batch!

Things to look for in Chester…so stick around after the golf…or you will miss out!

*Prize Giveaways following round.

*Closest to the hole and Long Drive competitions.

Boys…

I needed a few days to catch up but I finally have. The long winter working way too many hours in metro certainly put a wrench into my website time. However, I just wanted to alert you that the Pearl Necklace Standings have been updated. You can find the updated standings at STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE. Furthermore, you can also find your individual Task Lists on your PROFILE page. Just go to MEMBERS-YOUR NAME and scroll down. I will do my best to update this weekly, but look for it on Thursdays. That gives me some time to catch up weekly. Lastly, if you scroll further down your profile page you will find your own complete league history of events, wins etc etc. I just couldn’t let all that data go to waste so it is captured here. I will update the 2019 season once it is over.

~Peter North (Pearl Necklace Master)

KWGA LIONS AND CROCS BEWARE

Wildebeest make the long, dangerous, harrowing trip through the african plains every year, dodging every predator you can imagine. Their noise is a very distinct one, a noise that bellows and reverberates for many miles. Well, if you haven’t been paying attention to the KWGA yet this season, a distinct sound and scent has been dumped upon us in the one and only “BIP”. Back to back wins to start the 2019 campaign at the Kickoff Classic and last Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic have many wondering where the predatory lions and crocodiles have been to save us all from BIP’s trampling ways. The man has braved rain, wind and cold temperatures in pummeling the field for 2 straight weeks. “I know guys look at me and think, really? Bip won again? The man has hit the rec centre across the street off #2 tee before? But you know what? They are just jealous that I invented golfing baby wipes. I don’t care about the error of my past.” said a beaming yet stern Bip. “I’ve shed the winter coat and decided to embrace the journey, as dangerous as that may be. Like those stubborn wildebeest in Africa.”

Back to back career low rounds of 86 gross has many wondering if Ken-wo’s par 69 layout is just not enough course for a species used to travelling a hundred miles a day. The shorter track has taken out historically difficult holes for BIP whose love for clanging balls off the netting on hole #3 is legenday. Furthermore, the grueling and demanding 16th hole has been a bastion of butchery. “They can try and diminish my accomplishments all they want.” said a furios Bip. “Everyone has to play the same holes each week. Yes, maybe playing the 16th after 4 hours of galloping makes a diffetence but I don’t see many other guys in shape either. And as far as hole #3 goes. I have paid for any and all damages I may or may not have caused in the past. I don’t think about that anymore. So frig off.”

The news gets even worse for the rest of the KWGA field as BIP has again entered the field for this week’s Captain Crazy Invitational looking for the league’s first three-peat winner since Double Double back in 2014. His task will be increasingly difficult with a handicap plunging faster than an Al Qaeda airliner. The Commissioner also has intimated plans to add even more difficulty with his Week 3 groupings. “We have to make sure there are checks and balances for everything.” said The Commissioner at his weekly press conference in Upper Sackville Monday morning. “Now that Bip has been freed from the shackles of a 10 month house renovation it is obvious his mind is at ease. That can lead to some great golf. The antidote? A round with a man known for delay tactics rivalling Roger Dorn in the film Major Leagues. A man known for flagging down beverage carts 3 fairways away. The only KWGA’er with a drink named after him for heaven sakes. “Listen, The Commissioner can do whatever he wants to try and trip me up. I don’t care what he tries. It won’t matter.” said a calculated Bip. “I plan on taking a run at league history this Saturday. Now if you would please excuse me I would like to go polish my club.”

Just a side note, Sir Robert “Sex Tape” Lowe will make his KWGA professional debut this Saturday after passing the league’s strenuous initiation and drug procedures. “I can’t wait to take on the league’s biggest and brightest stars this week.” said Sex Tape from his seaside manor in Morden. “My wifi may be the pits out here but my golf game is more connected. “All my VHS and Beta tapes will be on sale on the first tee for this week only.”

Gentlemen…
The long offseason has finally come to an end and not a moment too soon. We had some decisions to make as a group that needed to be made. I opened up the voting on the new member applications because I never want to become the sole decision maker on issues such as this. With that being said, you the members have agreed to add Robert Lowe to our group in 2019. That puts us at 29 members and I think we can put this issue to bed for the foreseeble future.. Our sustainability revolves around tee times and not personalities at this point and we must not lose sight of this. Thank you to everyone who took the time out of their busy schedules to let their voices be heard. I will be contacting both Robert and Calvin when I return from Myrtle Beach mid-week next week. Until then,looking forward to seeing everyone next Saturday.
~The Commissioner

SANTA KNOWS WHICH KWGA’ers HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE!

2018 BILL & GORDY CLINIC

THE LEGENDS LIVE ON…

~2018 FEDEX CUP FINAL~

SILENT ASSASSIN

Biggest Johnson Claims the ’18 Cup

AP- New Minas, NS    Cinderalla can come in all shapes, sizes and even have five o’clock shadows in some parts of the world, like in New Minas, Nova Scotia where the KWGA’s Biggest Johnson avoided missing his midnight curfew by winning the 2018 FEDEX Cup Saturday afternoon at venerable Ken-Wo GC. The amazing run of the 12^th and lowest seed would not strike midnight as he toppled KWGA sniper Maxwell-Smart with a comfortable three stroke victory and his place in KWGA history. The duo both entered the final a bit rusty after taking some time off to travel aimlessly (Johnson) and polish and test weapons for the fall hunt (Maxwell). “This is a dream come true.” said a beaming Johnson as he sipped at his post-game toddy. “When people look at me from afar I know they don’t think champion but that’s what I am now. This is the hardest trophy to win in the KWGA. A full season to qualify and then you have to survive three weeks with guys taking their best shots at you. I came in under the radar and I think that worked to my advantage these last few weeks. Nobody had any confidence in me to win as the pre-finals voting poll showed. I guess I showed them what pre-retirement looks like…and that’s really bad news for these guys heading forward. Now if you will excuse me, I feel like taking the long way home in my convertible.”

Johnson and Maxwell share a moment before teeing off Saturday morning.

The tension was palpable as the duo nervously exchanged fake happy greetings early Saturday morning but one thing was clear, this wasn’t going to be anything like Triple G vs Canelo Alvarez for the Middleweight Championship of the world. No blows were going to be exchanged, no vicious uppercuts or head bunts. Just drivers, wedges and putters, but as Maxwell would discover early, sometimes mental pain is just as damaging as an Alvarez uppercut. With seven strokes of handicap cushion to play with, Johnson would have the head start in this fight and pars at #1 and #2 served notice to Maxwell that he would be up against the ropes all day. Maxwell would gain one stroke back with a par at #3 but Johnson would gain two back when Maxwell played volleyball with the trees at the Par 5 6^th hole, finding the timber  to the left of the green. After an inglorious three putt to complete the hole, the resulting double bogey would give Johnson an eight stroke lead as they headed to the 7^th tee. “A big blow there.” said a downcast Maxwell from his hunting blind high above the North Mountain. “I usually birdie that hole and I think Mulroney was Prime Minister the last time Gary birdied that hole. If things just play out to form there, I walk off that green cutting into the lead. As it turned out, I lose two and my mind started to wander to shooting rabbits nervously skittering across snow-capped hills.” Maxwell would get one back at #8 but the duo both carded Front Nine 39 gross scores meaning nothing had changed since the first tee.

The lead down to four as they exit the 12th green.

However, the bleeding would begin in The Orchard for Johnson as the Hants County Brad Marchand lover would traverse it +3 after a costly double at the 12^th hole. The lead was down to four as the duo walked past the grounds crew’s attempt at making the Par 3 13^th hole viewable from the tee, just 37 years overdue. With the smell and sight of burning timber and the crashing of heavy machinery in the foreground they would tee off the 14^th hole with Maxwell having all of the momentum. However, calamity would strike Maxwell as the wabbit would turn the gun on Elmer Fudd. The culprit would be the sand trap guarding the right side of the green. Maxwell-Smart’s attempt to exit the sand would lead to a chunked wedged, a chip on and a missed four footer that would lead to a dream-killing double bogey seven. “I can’t let that happen there but that’s a scary shot, staring at the woods behind the green with not much sand to work with.” said a befuddled Maxwell-Smart. Gary made a solid par there and really nailed me to my hunting blind. As Bill McCullough used to say on Grand Prix Wrasslin’ broadcasts back in the day…”That’s all she wrote.” Maxwell-Smart would also double bogey the 15^th hole stretching Biggest Johnson’s margin back to seven strokes.

Johnson’s victory lap home following his 2018 FEDEX Cup title.

With the contest no longer in doubt, Johnson would let down his guard at the 18^th with a drive into the creek and a pond ball for good measure for an ugly triple bogey while Maxwell-Smart picked up his big boy pants with a pretty birdie to finish his day. The four shot swing on the hole only put a swirl of whipped cream on a steaming, burning, stinking pile of a doe’s finest forest droppings. Johnson’s win was the end of a long 21 weeks of competition and the biggest feather in his cap since the day he found someone to marry him. “Championships like this are purposefully made difficult.” said Johnson as he illegally parked in Grampy’s parking space adjacent to the club storage entrance. “It just makes the nectar sweeter. Sure, I caught a break just getting into th playoffs when it got rained out Week 1…but I was on the tee and played that day…unlike some who had qualified Top 8. Nobody will remember that 2, 5, 10 years from now. Hats off to Bobby. He came out week after week and put a beating on us the last month or so with a high level of golf. Today was just my day. I will be hosting shuffleboard, billiards and indoor golf tournaments all winter if any of you want a crack at me in something you can actually beat me in. Just call me Champ.”

“I’m Gonna Run To You…”

Bannister-Hennigar clips the tape at The Tour Championship

Bryan Adams may have wrote the song but he certainly could not have envisioned Port Williams’ guitar pickin’, marathon runnin’, golfing savant winning three tournaments in one season, but that’s exactly what happened at Saturday’s FEDEX season ending Tour Championship. Bannister-Hennigar nipped playing partner Double-Double and Where’s Waldo for a one stroke victory and a clumsy finishing Commissioner by two in a finish only the Cleveland Browns could manage to mangle. “It’s good to get the win for sure.” said a wine-sipping Hennigar from his bar stool at the Port Pub. “I didn’t know what was going on in the other groups nor did I have time for that with a whirlwind finish from Double-Double. Have you ever been idling at a red light, looked in the rear view mirror to check your hair only to see a Mack truck hurtling toward your back bumper? That was me in The Valley today, watching Double-Double impart his version of Behind Barry’s Green Door, scary yet exciting at the same time.”

A front nine 36 gross was one stroke better than North America’s earliest retired golf professional and good for a four stroke cushion as they headed to the back nine. Hennigar would then find birdies at both #12 and #14 sending a jolt through Double-Double’s steely veneer. “It was a difficult and uncomfortable moment for me.” said a concerned Double-Double. “Anytime you have to watch a man putt with his legs THAT far apart, an then for him to make those putts on me ta boot, well, let’s just say I didn’t have to deal with those kinds of things on the CPGA level. Guys had normal stances and normal ways of doing things. That’s not Barry.” Seemingly spurred by some inner being, Double-Double had his finest finish of the season with a 4-4-3 finish to the track’s closing three holes. The two birdies forced Hennigar to scrape home with a bogey five that was good enough to hold off his closest attacker. Just one group behind was Where’s Waldo and his recaptured golf prowess, an Awakenings of sort a la Robert DeNiro in a film with the same name. His canary yellow garb could be seen from fairway afar while his wrap around “blue blocker” shades hid just how good he was playing from the rest of the field. A pedestrian 39 gross front nine was followed by a back nine 37 gross that included a birdie at 8B. However, bogies at #14, #15 and #16 dropped him 1 shot back and pars and #17 and #18 could not save his lucky yellow shirt. “I’ve been playing much better, nobody has really noticed but it’s coming.” said a matter of fact Waldo. “I don’t go hunting, play ice hockey or play ground hockey in the streets anymore so I will be able to concentrate on golf right to the end of the golf season. There are plenty more chances for me.”

“Senior Seed”

Grampy Wins First Ever KWGA Pearl Necklace

Unless you have been living under a rock, hadn’t checked the Pearl Necklace standings all year or even clicked on your task list under your player profile page, you would know that the Valley’s loveable and cantankerous Grampy won the KWGA’s Pearl Necklace Saturday with a score of 21 pearl points, “edging” out a game Fogg (18 points), Mr. October and Maxwell-Smart (17 points). The season long competition took the place of a stale ringer board game and gave an honest test for all handicap levels within our league. Grampy made a second half charge and took the lead for good after his 70 gross at The Barclays Championship, a round that checked off many unique and key tasks. So go ahead Grampy, enjoy the fruits of your labour and let the boys know you can still walk, run, jump and be merry with men who can actually still hit the ceiling once in a while. Congrats buddy…

A presentation will be made in the near future cementing this accomplishment. Stay tuned.

News, Notes & Quotes

*”There was enough air to make it worth my while.” ~Air Bud   Complaining of cramps after just two holes of play, Air Bud was forced to make a pit stop at Ken-Wo’s lavatory adjacent to #3 fairway. After a perfectly placed tee shot to the left side of said fairway, Air Bud rejoined his group on the green. His quote was in response to being asked how he had made out in the lavatory.

*It’s 4 degrees and snowing FFS!” ~4th Reich   The less than cryptic text from Doug from his vacation destination in central Alberta Saturday afternoon. Was great weather here Doug ole boy!

*Three events left to qualify for the season-ending Intercontinental Final Four. The top four point getters will battle October 13 for the right to be called Intercontinental Champion!

Let’s finish 2018 strong! See you on Saturday!

~The Commissioner

2018 AXEMEN GRIDIRON CLASSIC CHAMPION

GERRY “DOUBLE DOUBLE” ELLIOTT

Office of the Commissioner

Wolfville, NS

Gentlemen…

First, I want to thank Darrell and John and their lovely wives for putting on an A+ social event yesterday. I believe the KWGA has found its official “clubhouse” in Wolfville. The place had everything, a swimming pool, pool table, ping pong, darts and even a fork lift for rides on a sunny day. Thanks again boys and girls… that was awesome! Those who had signed up and did not attend missed out on some of the tastiest beef (with a yummy reduction sauce) and pork loin, potato salad, corn on the cobb, individual chocolate and butterscotch cake desserts, brownies and some other items that I cannot recall at this second! We even had visitors walk in on us with purses over their shoulders thinking that the Farm Market was open for business! Thanks again boys!

FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS UPDATE

Fellas, we have what is referred to as a “clusterbuckle” on our hands after Mother Nature decided to rain on our playoffs yesterday. Anywhere between 9 and 13 holes were completed by competitors yesterday before the rains made things unplayable, including “alternates” who had taken three spots of Top 8 qualifiers who were not on #1 tee Saturday morning (Maxwell, Kelley, Burke). Therefore, the only fair thing to do is to expand the playoffs to the Top 12 qualifiers for next week’s re-scheduled Barclays Championship.

Here is the NEW sequence of events…

1. Top 12 FEDEX Qualifiers (White, Burke, Rushton, D.Thomson, Maxwell, Kelley, Murray, Fisher, Irwin, Woodworth, Kenny, Johnson) to compete in next Saturday’s re-scheduled Barclays Championship.
2. The top 4 & ties qualify for the semi-finals (Deutsche Bank) on Saturday September 1.
3. The Top 2 & ties qualify for the Fedex Cup Final on Saturday September 15 (or a date that works for the two finalists).

The bottom line is this is for fun so let’s get at this next week! Woooooo!

The Commissioner

KEEPING CANADA GREAT!

Double Double Beats the Heat and Captain America at the 2018 Canadian Open

DOUBLE DOUBLE accepts the 2018 Canadian Open Trophy as Captain America Indianapolis Jones ironically sits in the background. It was the second Canadian Open title of his career. (August 4, 2018.)

Like Clint Eastwood’s drill sergeant character Gunny Highway said in the 1986 film “Heartbreak Ridge”, “I will adapt, improvise and overcome.” You can’t make this stuff up ladies and gentlemen. In an ironic twist, the 2018 Canadian Open came down to two men, two countries, in a battle that will not be forgotten until the next US presidential election. One born, bred and accomplished in the province of Nova Scotia, the other born and bred in Nova Scotia and accomplished in the State of Indiana. Trudeau vs Trump, and now two sides have more to disagree about than a NAFTA agreement. Using his own form of mental combat Saturday afternoon, the man known as Double-Double gave the rest of the KWGA field another blast of Boot Camp Rules for Dummies in winning his second career Canadian Open. His one stroke victory was a reminder that you write off grizzled soldiers at your own peril, because you know what? They may just go digging in their closet one day and dust off the old uniform a la Jim Lahey or Gunny Highway…and that’s when you should be afraid. “It’s been a difficult season to say the least.” said Double Double as monsoon rain pelted off his forehead at Tupper Lake following his round. “Today it was just time to put all of those words into action again. The hard work, the holes in my projection screen at home, the back physio. It was all worth letting another man rub oil on my lumbar region and roll me into positions only a “Stretch Armstrong” could get into for results like today. It feels good to be a major champion again.”

Heading into the tournament there were concerns about just which Double Double would arrive at Ken-Wo GC Saturday morning after a Thursday practice round that had a few bumps and bruises. However, all concerns were laid to rest early as he would start the round with six consecutive pars and a Front Nine 36 gross, his best of the 2018 campaign. Adversity would strike the Tim Horton’s mogul in The Orchard with bogies at both #10 and #11 but like Sergaent Gunny Highway, he adapted, improvised and overcame his disappointing start to the Back Nine. Another string of pars would begin at #12 and a Back Nine 38 gross that would be good enough to hold off Indianapolis Jones in a heart-stopping finish to the season’s final major. “I had almost forgotten what it was like to be in the hunt heading into The Valley.” said a relieved and giddy Double Double. “Finding some kind of consistency under pressure, a go to swing, anything was all that I was thinking about…and trying to avoid one more Sheriff story that involved a bodily function or the Yarmouth Dockyard. This gives me a lot of confidence heading into the Intercontinental Fall Season. Now if you will excuse me I have to wring out my shirt and refill some cream donuts before my wife gets home.”

Saturday’s story also involved a man more known for his glistening dome and personality the size of the state of Indiana. Indianapolis Jones made his KWGA major championship debut Saturday with a round that had every red-blooded American proud (along with a few former Valley girls, names have been redacted for everyone’s safety, Rachel, Lisa, Heather…). Starting on the Back Nine, in more ways than one, Jones impact was immediate with a 38 gross that included a birdie at the Par 5 14th hole that had the internet coverage abuzz with Jones standing at -6 heading into his second nine. After a bogey at #1, Jones would traverse the property at one under par through the 6th hole. He now stood at -6 one stroke ahead of Double Double. “I had a feeling I might be in contention as I stood on #7 tee, it is not an easy hole as everyone knows and like my playing partner’s Doppler Radar skills, I have an ability to sense oncoming calamity.” A bogey at the difficult 7th sent Jones back to -5 and in a tie for the lead with two holes remaining. A solid par at #8 meant the tricky ninth hole would decide things on this humid day. After leaving himself 6 feet for par, Jones was unable to find the bottom and a hollow finish to a fantastic 75 gross round on the day. “I can’t say enough about what it means to compete in this league.” said a bikini-clad Jones from the floating dock in Tupper Lake. “Like some of my high school girlfriends said when I was 17, sometimes all you can do is try Timmy.”

If not for the word controversy, the world would never be able to explain Saturday’s other contender to the Canadian Open title. After a week that saw Waldo make his own grouping (a KWGA major championship first), the oft absent one started ignominiously from the Back Nine with a pedestrian 41 gross but in contention at -5 as he headed into his second nine. Bogies at #3 and #6 dropped him to -3 as solid pars on the finishing three holes cemented his Top 3 bounce back performance. His round included the KWGA ‘s first personal gallery since Double Double’s in 2016 and the Red Bull Cheer Squad’s only appearance in 2015, a fact that seemed to rattle his competition on their final hole. “Grampy and Waldo were both in the fairway sand trap on #9 as I watched from afar in my KWGA cart.” said a giggling Commissioner. “By the time the two of them exited the trap they both had more sand on them than Pig Pen from the old Peanuts cartoon. Sometimes a blood-letting is good for everyone. All that was missing was some water and bikinis…minus all the back hair.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

Saturday’s final major cemented four spots in the playoffs as Grampy, Fogg, Gadget and The Commissioner are all 25.0 points clear of being caught by the #10 standing golfer, Biggest Johnson, at 126.5 points with just one tournament left to qualify. Why the #10 standing and not #9 4th Reich you ask? The KWGA got some disappointing news Saturday as The 4th Reich is heading back to Deutschland Tuesday night and has withdrawn his name from contention. That means Biggest Johnson, Mr. Wildcat and Air Bud still have a mathematical chance to qualify Top 8. The Shark, Denim Cowboy and BIP should also not fold their tents as alternates have been required in years past to fill out the Top 8 field for Quarter-Finals (The Barclays Championship). “The FEDEX Cup is a prestigious title and the most difficult to win as it takes 19 weeks of competition in total, that includes 3 weeks of playoffs.” said a matter of fact Commissioner. “It’s like working your whole High School career to ask out that special someone to the prom in Grade 12. Will you be taking the hot blond who you stared at in class for three years….or your mom to the prom.?” Time will tell gentlemen…time will tell.

TUPPER LAKE SOCIAL

KWGA’ers enjoy Tupper Lake Social as host Fogg continues to assure the gathering…”This will pass in 15 minutes. I swear.”

Another awesome social in 2018 as Mike, Anne, Mark and Shannon outdid themselves in a spread fit more for Kings or Greek Gods readying for an orgy. Many thanks for opening your homes and your A-1 hospitality people. It is another piece of heaven on earth that I get to visit in the summer. You reminded me of the reason that this league has grown like it has…because of people and moments like Saturday. Not even monsoon rain, dogs, or a Red Sox win could ruin this day. THANKS A MILLION AGAIN! IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED.

PS…Mike & Mark…Send your bill to The Sheriff. He can afford it…I think he sold another roof Saturday night!

Things I learned in Tupper Lake

*The Fogg sucks as a weather forecaster/analyst…I dare say I have not seen it monsoon rain for that long in The Valley in 20 years. “It’s just a small cell…This cell will pass by in 15 minutes.” 4:39pm

*The Third Legge is a master at political trivia. The man even knew that George Bush Jr.’s term as US President was in the 1980’s. Not many people can get that one.

*The Sheriff kept his streak alive Saturday. Make a birdie, show up post round. Not make a birdie…

*Wasczcyk-Carey is The Man. He was correctly able to guess that my favorite beer is Keith’s and that I wanted to drink three of his green cans in Tupper Lake.

*Fajitas are great…and they keep on giving long after they have been digested. I am sorry in advance.

*I learned that I am safe if my plane ever crashes in water. I may have set the record Saturday for solo floating and water treading at 2h and 15 minutes. Plus I got to do my laundry in the water.

*Not everyone does laundry in the water like me or wears swim trunks at social events. (Names redacted for everyone’s safety Shark, Third Legge…)

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

“This could start a new trend…two piece drivers!”

*”Everyone relax. My pension will  cover it.” ~Biggest Johnson

*Neil’s Harbour? Really? Jumpin’ Jesus, BMW’s are not supposed to break down in Neil’s Harbour FFS! No wonder I am going back to Germany this week!” ~4th Reich

*Fellas, I drove by Ken-Wo Saturday night at 8:30pm and I saw something I had never seen before…#3 fairway and green completely under water and a pond in front on #2 tee as big as Tupper Lake!

*We hope to see some of those who were away last week on golf trips and family vacations back on Tour this Saturday August 11. We hope that you had a great time and are ready to do battle once again on the KWGA gridiron with Holly next week! PS…some of you need to shake your heads.

*Next Saturday is the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial. It is a 2 point event on the Pearl Necklace leaderboard with just 4 events left to win it! The sign-up and volunteer box has been posted on the website. Get in the game! See you next week!

~The Commissioner

COWBOY UP!

DENIM COWBOY ROUNDS UP A RECORD DAY

(AP) New Minas, NS

In a scene straight out of the Twilight Zone, the KWGA’s annual Cheeseburger Picnic saw the league’s Denim Cowboy terrorize the field with a record setting 59 net (75 gross) en route to his second career victory Saturday at KenWo GC. The Cowboy’s 59 bested the record of Telly-Kelley (60 net) set in 2016, a record we may not see broken for many years to come. The win came just one week after a gut-wrenching runner-up sudden death playoff finish at last week’s Players Championship to the same Telly-Kelley, rectifying a wrong in the eyes of the denim one. “I know guys look at me and wonder how I can swing a golf club let alone win a tournament.” said a be-speckled and smiling Cowboy. “If you want me to look like Adam Scott with or without a golf club in my hands then you have the wrong dude. I have been building toward this all season and now it is finally here. Guys will respect me in this league or mark my words, I will open a doggy day care centre with transportation services provided free of charge…whether you like it or not. Seat belts optional.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t hurt.”

Not known for starting fast, the Cowboy cracked the “poodle whip” early Saturday with birdies at #1 and #3, birdies that had the New Minas gallery scrambling for a better view of this “dingo” being caught on film for the first time. The birdies led to a Front Nine 36 gross that had him out in front of the “pack” heading into some difficult blue tees on the back side. However, another birdie at #11 served notice that the hip was loose and free and the rest of the field should be at DEFCON 5 “canine alert”. After bogey blips at #15 and #16, a repeat of last week would not be in order. The Cowboy gently steered his golf vehicle to pars at #17 and #18, also rectifying a terrifying South Shore drive with family and friends from days gone by. The gross 75 was his career best on Tour and good enough for the victory on this day. “I know that my driving in both golf and South Shore day trips is suspect but unlike vaulting two muts out of a car window by accident, I had to take responsibility for my accident last week.” said a beaming Denim Cowboy. “Last week’s loss, as much as I hate to admit it, hurt. It felt like I had fallen out of a moving vehicle. Today everyone gets ice cream and a safe ride home.”

Saturday’s hard luck stories came in the form of a Shark and a Sleuth. After a summer of golf discontent and torment, the KWGA’s version of a Shark Attack also ravaged the unique Red, White and Blue setup to the tune of a net 61 which included the league’s first eagle of the season at the Par 5 6th. In all, the razor toothed wonder piled up 13 pars along with his eagle, with only a double bogey 6 on the Par 4 4th hole besmirching his card. Standing on #17 tee at -11 he surely thought that victory was his and avoiding double bogeys would be good enough to win. However, bogeys at #17 and #18 would inevitably cost the KWGA’s sexiest man his third career title in a record setting score for a non-winner on Tour. If you thought you were unlucky, just try and be Maxwell-Smart for a day will you? A gross 71 that included birdies at the opening three holes meant a 6 handicap stood at -9 standing on #4 tee, a recipe that is usually good enough for a win. However, the birdies would dry up like ribs in three day old tin foil and the Sleuth would have to settle for an unlucky 3rd place finish on this day. “All I can do is fire at flag sticks and let the rest take care of itself.” said an irate postman. “If you didn’t understand the term “going postal” before, it means shooting 71 gross and not winning. I can’t complain though, it has been a lucrative rang year on tour and that means plenty of doggy treats at home. I know how to treat canines.”

“No wonder nobody notices my ribs.”

Rounding out the Top 3 was a man who has quietly squeezed on to a FEDEX Cup qualifying season as firmly as he did his beaux at the post game BBQ. That’s right, there was another Inspector Gadget sighting in the Top 3 this week after a gross 80 (65 net) that sometimes wins tournaments. Catching the Cowboy’s powerful slip-stream, Gadget found a birdie at #5 and a Front Nine 39 that set him up for a Back Nine surge. A fantastic 5 at the 444 yard 16th hole was followed by pars at #17 and #18, a stretch that had all 15 handicaps glassy eyed from coast to coast. Envy oozed from playing partners and all that witnessed on the lowest scoring day on Tour in 2018. “If you didn’t score today with some of these tees you were obviously thinking about post round festivities a little too soon.” said a confident Gadget. “Some of these guys were thinking about things they haven’t seen in many years…their ribs. I focused on what was important, gentle fades and staying out of trouble both at home and on the golf course. My day is coming soon.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

Just three regular season events remain as the 2018 FEDEX Qualifying season winds down and the intrigue is as thick as the air inside the tent of a 4H Club oxen pull competition. The Fogg continues to lead the pack even after a last place finish this week that garnered him as many points as his new vegen diet….zero. The Sleuth Maxwell-Smart continued his blistering play of late and jumped to second place with 149.5 points. Like Sidney Crosby, you can only hope to contain him, not stop him. The Commissioner, Gadget, Grampy, 4th Reich and Mr. October also hold down spots in the Top 8. Mr Wildcat and Telly-Kelley continued their personal sword fight yesterday for the 8th and final qualifying spot with Wildcat leep-frogging a spot at yesterday’s Cheeseburger Picnic.

The big question is, how much will the Acadia Alumni and Ken-Wo Club Championshp affect our league`s standing? With Bannister-Hennigar continuing to be held hostage in Toronto and The Hunchback in Cape Breton, they will need a win at the Canadian Open and some help. BIP, Fogg and his “lake mate” Shark will also be missing in action this Friday and will also be looking for some Canadian Open magic. Never fear gentlemen, as Donald Trump proved in his election, all you need is a little luck and some Russian interference…and you are gold.

THANK-YOU HAROLD AND KATHERINE!!!

Boys, if you missed it Saturday, you missed another reason to be happy Aylesford Lake exists, even on a misty, cloudy day. Thank-you Harold and Katherine for letting us into your home once again. Your hospitality and “fixins” made it sunny and yummy on my insides and from what I saw, everyone else’s who also made the drive out to the lake. The homemade rolls, bacon wrapped scallops and Nanaimo squares had me wishing there was a room for rent there! The only problem in all of this is that I went back over 300 lbs after yesterday. Next year I am biking out to Aylesford like the 4th Reich did a few summers ago! We look forward to the 2019 Cheeseburger Picnic as I believe the KWGA got through a probationary year where nothing got broke or went missing…only a certain bald tire went flat that didn’t belong to you! THANKS AGAIN!!!!

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”Hey John…C’mere.” ~Grampy

*Mark Gavin’s 61 net was the best net score not to win in KWGA history. He bested the record set by Doug Irwin (62 net) set in 2016.

*Boys, I just want to thank everyone for their input this weekend in making the Cheeseburger Picnic another success. From the Ken-Wo staff who allowed me to invade their kitchen on a very busy wedding preparation day, to Burkie for helping me get the ribs and BBQ sauce evacuated from said kitchen and wrapped in foil for the ride to Aylesford. That was a bigger job than anyone knows. If you saw the commotion in the kitchen when we walked in to get them out of the ovens you would truly know. There isn’t a lot of space for someone 6’5 and 298 lbs in that sweat box. It made me break my water and make the floor slippery for the rest of the day. I also want to thank Johnny Kenny for the best belly laugh I have had in several years! See some of you on Friday morning!

~The Commissioner

THE PEOPLES PLAYERS CHAMPION

TELLY-KELLEY WINS TPC IN SUDDEN DEATH PLAYOFF

(AP)- NEW MINAS, NS

On a day made for championship golf, the KWGA’s second major took on a life of its own, with one man, Telley-Kelley, outlasting the Denim Cowboy to win the 2018 Players Championship in the Tour’s second sudden death playoff.  A scorching 63 net (76 gross) did not surprise the pre-tournament odds-makers as “TK” was a 3-1 favorite heading into the event. “The most difficult part of the day was convincing two warriors to get out there and continue the fight.” said a giggling Commissioner. “Those two used to be linemates on the Anvil Draughts ball hockey team back in 1979 so you know how much tread is left on those tires. A lot of wear and tear to say the least. Give them credit though, TK even had a beer in him by the time he reached the tee at the playoff.”

At his best, TK is a par making machine with the ability to drip in the the odd birdie when you are not paying attention. It’s been the secret of his underdog success throughout his golfing career…and he was at it again at The Players, parring five of the first six holes for a Front Nine tally of 38. A birdie at #12 meant another Back Nine charge was under way. The steely glare and the focused straight ahead strut was back. A bogey at the Par 5 14th would be his last blemish on a championship round. “I have been playing better lately and things obviously fell into place today.” said a matter of fact TK following his round. “I knew when I parred #16 that I had a serious chance to win. What I didn’t know was that BIP and The Cowboy were also tearing it up behind me.” Indeed, after a double bogey at #14, the Denim Cowboy would go -1 gross the rest of the way, including a birdie at #15 that would eventually tie him for the lead.

BIP TRIED…BUT FALLING OFF THE HORSE WAS INEVITABLE ON THIS DAY.

Meanwhile, in his same group, BIP was on fire also, however, reality would come crashing down on him after a 6-9-7 finish to his round that would take him from first to tied for 9th in a heartbeat. “I have see prized race horses euthanized for less.” said a sympathetic Commissioner. “My heart was breaking for BIP. I just wanted so badly to walk up to him on the 18th tee, hand him an ice-chilled towel and a sandwich and guide him to the balcony above #1 tee. I am guessing he would have taken my up on it at that moment.” The final tally was in, TK and The Cowboy were tied and would head to the Par 3 115 yard “extra hole” for sudden death.

One man would go willingly, while the other needed a slight yank from the comfy confines of his post round recliner and beer. So what happened when you mess with the bull? Sometimes you get the horns. Both TK and the Cowboy would tally par 3’s on the tie-breakers first attempt. But the walk down to the tee below to fire again was not on these warrior’s minds. Instead, a chip off would settle this one. Both TK and The Cowboy would par again on a second attempt to break the deadlock. Finally, on the competition’s 3rd extra hole, TK would ram in a par putt while The Cowboy’s final 6 footer would miss the hole. Victory and a second major title would be TK’s. “An exhausting but rewarding day.” said TK from his perch above Ken-Wo. “It was painful but now I have a great story to tell. I remember how much The Cowboy had my back when I played ball hockey with him years ago, so it was hard to wrestle a major from his grasp. It’s days like these that remind me why I came out of retirement.”

ANOTHER CLOSE SHAVE

AIR BUD’S HEARTFELT CHEER FOR YET ANOTHER CLOSE CALL.

Saturday’s hard luck story was not hard to see, from UP close or far away. For the third time in the last four majors, Air Bud finished one stroke out of first place. Coming into Saturday’s Players Championship, Air Bud was an afterthought with the Vegas odds-makers at 16-1, last in the field. However, what they didn’t measure was the heart of a man who uses mental trickery on a daily basis. The man once again willed himself into contention during a season of struggle. Back to back birdies at #6 and #7 meant rang money and a flash as bright as some of those great Greg Norman bridesmaids rounds of the 1980’s. “Scott is like a male exotic dancer, you want to take your eyes away but you can’t.” said a beaming Commissioner. “You just HAVE to see what ends up happening even if it means mental scare tissue.” Great playing Scott. Your day will come.

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

With just four tournaments remaining in the Race for the FEDEX Cup, there is still a lot to be decided. Mike White continues to lead and is a lock for the playoffs with his 182.5 points after yet another sub-80 round and a 5th place finish at The Players. His level of play will be hard to beat. Defending champion Commissioner Ford is second with 142.5 points in a solid season in defense. A gaggle of KWGA vets make up the rest of the Top 8 that includes a fast-charging Grampy, Maxwel-Smart and certain host of a Cheeseburger Picnic next Saturday. However, the Tour’s Cinderalla story has quickly become Telly-Kelley, whose win Saturday vaulted him into the 8th and final playoff spot IN JUST 6 EVENTS! His 108.0 points lead Mr. Wildcat by 2.5 points and trail Mr. October by just 13.0 points. Five more golfers have 94.0 points or more making this the closest FEDEX Cup race in its five year history. With Barry Hennigar and Chris Rushton returning to Tour after vacationing last week, points will be at a premium the rest of the way which includes one last double point day, the Canadian Open on Saturday August 4.

Go to STANDINGS-FEDEX CUP for full details on where you stand.

CHEESEBURGER PICNIC-NEXT SATURDAY

Next Saturday Harold will be hosting us at his residence in Aylesford Lake. Here are some things to think about and know before then.

*Earlier Tee Times: I am suggesting 7:30-8:09am tee times for us next Saturday. That way I won’t feel so rushed to get ribs cooked and out to his cottage and it also gets us out to Harold’s for a larger portion of the afternoon. If you have objection to this, make your voice heard.

*Ken-Wo has allowed me to cook the ribs in one of their kitchen ovens while we are golfing. A special thanks to Rene and Heidi for allowing me to do this. Note: Harold, if I can’t fit everything in the oven at Ken-Wo, can I use your oven at home? I will keep you updated as the week progresses.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*A special thanks to KK and Jackie Redmond for making my day on Saturday! Jackie’s picture is the first memento to make the KWGA Hall of Fame! It’s not often that a professional sportscaster follows a local league of bar league golfers! For those who were not at the presentation Saturday…

TOOTSIE THE DAY AWAY!

Commissioner Relives, Captures The Cabaret

“If you build it, they will come.” No, I am not talking about the famous line from the movie “Field of Dreams.” If you didn’t already know, they stole that line from the manager of Tootsies-Miami Cabaret on 183rd street in the tough city of Miami Gardens. Whenever you build a building as big as that for the purposes of highly female athletic ability, the masses will flock. Seemingly inspired by four years of splendid nights in Miami’s #1 destination for smiles and success, your Commissioner battled his way like a good Seve Ballesteros round from the 1980’s on his way to winning the 2018 Tootsies-Miami Cabaret by one stroke over three men who should never set foot in Tootsies for varying and important reasons. “I think it is ironic that strippers and golf count their scores using “strokes.” said a beaming Commissioner. “This win today means the world to me. When I added this tournament to the schedule three years ago, it was a way for me to relive some of those Friday nights I spent having dinner and watching ball games on big screen TV’s…and the odd lap dance, but I digress. About the only other person who would understand what I am talking about is yanking monster lake trout out of Northern BC waters at the moment. I have to also thank my swing coach of the past 20+ years for tuning me up this week.”

“TOOTSIE THAT!”

The Commissioner’s day did not start out well with a double bogey that included left woods off the tee, pavement, deep rough, a chip and two putts. Up and downs from the woods on #2 and #3 were the precursor to a birdie at his nemisis hole #4. However, the shot that changed everything was a 155 yard faded nine iron approach to #7 green from the #6 side of the trees. “Nobody saw what I was looking at or the ball in the air, but I could have easily made 8 there.” said The Commissioner. “I just got over it and said, you know what, the world hates a coward.” His ball would stop 11 feet underneath the hole for a safe par 4. “That gave me the confidence and peace of mind to relax and think about a few of Tootsies’s finest I met over the years. Talk about a happy place.” The Seve pars would continue at #8 and #10 seemingly pole vaulting him through some shaky swings like a Rickie Fowler fiance’. “I happened to bump into Rod on #16 fairway when I was playing #17 and he said to go ahead and birdie it, and so I did.” said The Commissioner. “His husky voice was in stark contrast to those soft, feminine voices I was hearing in my head all day but it was effective nonetheless. However, it is not a habit I want to get in to. I never want to get my wires crossed in that area.”

Coming in a very close second was pre-tournament favorite at 2-1 Telly-Kelley, whose season has quickly picked up speed in the last 4 weeks. Pars on four of the first 5 holes followed by a birdie at the 8th hole meant contention but his back to back triple bogies at the 9th and 10th would torpedo his round. However, that’s when Telly-Kelley is at his best, when you count him out. Five straight pars would follow and the New Minas dweller would drag himself back into contention but his efforts would fall just one stroke short. “It was fun to be in contention again and thought of as a favorite.” said Telly-Kelley. “I’ve never been to Tooties but I can only imagine the celebration there after a win…and neither can they.”

#3 The Irwin’s

Also tying for second Saturday was The 4th Reich, whose magic wand wasn’t in his khaki shorts on this day. Weeks of bemoaning a balky putter became fist pumps of joy after rolling in well over 100 feet of putts on this day. His round included 7 one putt greens on the all important Back Nine which included a ridiculous 33 foot downhill curler on #16 that tied him for the tournament lead. “It’s probably best I didn’t win today.” said a relieved 4th Reich. “I have had more company in my home the last 3 months than a Hamburg Youth Hostel…and with more to come. After I jammed in yet another putt on #18 I thought I may have a chance to win but I will take my round today. I squeezed every ounce out of it considering how I hit my driver today. Anyone needing a room or place to stay the rest of the summer is welcome to call my wife’s hotline, errrrr, our cell phone to make reservations.”

Last but not least, and also tying for second this week, was a man, just two weeks ago, who tendered his retirement from golf and the KWGA after a stripper-less 102  at The Masters. The druken text retirement was treated like a Jim Lahey Captain Morgan binge by The Commissioner and what do you know? Fonda-Thomson would find his golf mojo once again with an 85 gross that included two triple bogies. Only a bogey at #18 would come between him and his first career KWGA win. “I have to credit my Friday at Eagle Crest with a few lads that made me look like Jordan Spieth comparatively.” said Fonda-Thomson. “Confidence is everything in golf I know. You can have $3,000 worth of gear in your bag, which I do, but it doesn’t amount to a pinch of  raccoon sh** if the man swinging it doesn’t think he can.” Well played my brother.

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

The Fogg continues to lead the Race for the FEDEX Cup even after a 12th place finish yesterday. Inspector Gadget held down his second place standing also after a disappointing day at Tootsies, which is very difficult to do. The Commissioner jumped back up to 3rd place with his win. The 4th Reich vaulted to 7th with his solid round yesterday. Men to watch include Telly-Kelley who has jumped all the way to 16th place with 58.0 points in just five events. However, the most relieved man is no doubt Mr. Wildcat, who after taking the last two weeks off to sun himself in a backyard pool on a rubber dingy remains above the cut off line in 8th place with 105.5 points. “I am coming back with a tan, renewed golf vigor and a boatload of good memories and positive imagery.” said Mr. Wildcat. “I will be stylin’, profilin’ jet ridin’…and I am having a hard time keeping these alligator shoes down baby!” See you next Saturday KK!

KWGA- THE NEXT 2 WEEKS

Next Saturday is our second Major, The Players Championship on July 14. The sign-up box has already been posted on the website. The following Saturday is Harold’s Cheeseburger Picnic on July 21. There is a lot of organizing to do so I will need your help. How can you help? By paying attention and responding to alerts. Starting on Saturday night July 14, I will be posting a poll on the website with several questions.

1. Will you be playing golf in The Cheeseburger Picnic?

2. Will you be attending Harold’s Social in Aylesford Lake?

3. Will you be bringing your significant other?

Answer these questions will help Harold, his wife and I prepare enough food for everyone. What else can YOU do? Have a positive attitude and bring something to drink!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

~THE COMMISSIONER

KWGA Send-Off

Goodbye and Thank-You Neta!

Friday June 29, 2018.

KWGA Commissioner Derek Thomson presented Ken-Wo Staff Neta Jollimore with a token of appreciation Friday night on her last day on the job after 18 years in the trenches at our beloved club. Thanks for your contribution and hard work over the years. Good luck with your future endeavors! ~KWGA

MAGNOLIA MIKE!

Fogg Trumps Masters Field With Sizzling 64

The Tradition Continues. Defending Champion Weasie passes on the Green Jacket to 2018 Champion The Fogg.

From the little college town that could. From the hardwood floors of Horton High and Bowdoin College. From the golf gutter to its most hallowed grounds and treasured title. After years of turmoil, strife and spherical frustration, the man known simply as Fogg made Wolfville great again with a virtuoso performance at Saturday’s 6th annual KWGA Masters, winning his first career major in calm and convincing style. It was just twelve  months ago that Fogg finished dead last at KenWolia Lane and just four years ago that getting through 18 holes was a victory in itself. How the tables have turned. A gross 79 (-6) was good enough to clip a revitalized Inspector Gadget and a low gross Maxwell-Smart (75) in a riveting Masters that had everything but a summit with Kim Jong Un. “I can’t describe how I feel right now.” said a beaming Fogg. “When I made the commitment to golf years ago I never imagined it would be this difficult or take this long. Sports had always come  easy to me from the time I was being paternally “fundamentalized” in my backyard as a kid, repetition until perfection. I learned how to learn the old fashioned way, when Dad’s were allowed to let their kids fail, when kids were expected to fail without crying. To finally reach this pinnacle today is beyond description. It’s a testament to hard work, counting ’em all during the journey and finding small victories each round to build on. I am proof now that anyone can do it.”

What loomed large and unfamiliar to Fogg Saturday was the specter of expectation. Billed as a 2-1 favorite just behind two time back-to-back champion Weasie Locke, much was actually expected from a man who had never had a whiff of a major title. This because of consistent sub-70 net rounds heading into the event, a win a week ago at the Herbin Experience and some Men’s night magic just days before. If he was nervous about it, you couldn’t tell from the look on his face or his lack of warm-up heading into the round. However, Fogg would get off to a shaky start, a start that belied the confidence he exuded before teeing off. Bogies at #1, #2 and a double bogey at #4 quickly erased four strokes of his net cushion. Then the inner voices from his past must have kicked in. Fogg played the rest of the Front Nine level par, including a Commissioner cut-off birdie at #8 for a rock-solid 39 gross that put him three strokes behind Weasie and one stroke behind Inspector Gadget at -11. “It was difficult staying calm, especially after my birdie at #8.” said a reflective Fogg. “I knew I would be right in the hunt heading into Amen Orchard. That’s an area of the course I like and have played well in lately. Plus I saw Weasie starting to falter a bit.”

Leaderboard (Through 9 Holes)

Fogg would traverse Amen Orchard at one over par with a thunder bolt soon to follow. Playing partner Johnny “The Denim Cowboy” was also quietly in the hunt and would go a solid +2 through Amen Orchard on the last of his golfing fumes after a Friday Fundango at Avon Valley just hours before Masters tee off. It was a Fundango that would rock the Masters Organizers foundation just hours before tee off, but I digress. Gadget would also need two extra strokes for those top four holes but it was Weasie who would be the story at Amen Orchard. The city slicker would need eight extra swings to get through Amen Orchard, drastically swinging the tides of shit away from any three-peat. A devastating snowman at the Par 4 12th hole meant his lead had vanished, never to be regained. “I think I may have started to think about KWGA history and a few other things outside of golf.” said a resigned Weasie. “When you play golf once a month, yes, your mind is clear of negative thought, but ones natural talent level is all you have at that point, and well, you get the point.”

Leaderboard (Through 13 Holes)

With the 6th Masters in the balance, the tournament headed to the winning holes, KenWo’s most daunting finishing five, a five hole stretch that demands precision off the tee and includes three holes where double digit scores are possible. It is like trying to get through JR’s Tavern & Bar at 2am without seeing a woman with a limp, someone spitting at you or well, getting into a fight. The Fogg’s birdie at the 14th hole served notice that he was ready to take on the fight, or drag home that special someone with the limp. It gave him a two stroke lead after Gadget’s own solid par at the 14th. Denim Cowboy would bogey and then implode with a triple bogey 6 at the 15th, ostencibly ending his Masters chances. The tournament was down to two men heading into the scary 16th.

Leaderboard (Through 15 Holes)

Gadget would cut into the lead once more with a fantastic five at the brutish Par 4 16th hole, that after Fogg would falter with a double bogey on the same hole. The lead was now one. “Say what you want but when you know you are in probably leading The Masters with three holes to play, nerves are a factor.” said a relieved Fogg. “I knew anything I would do from this point on would be judged like my backyard games of one on one with my brother Duncan. I didn’t let him win when we were kids and I sure as bejeebers wasn’t going to let a computer geek beat me today.” For Gadget it was a new position for someone used to transistors, not surlyn wrapped spheres. A double bogey at the Par 5 17th would mean only a Fogg meltdown over the courses’ last 900 yards would stand between him and a Green Jacket. “Those are a treacherous 900 yards.” said a steadfast Commissioner. “Finding the fairway on 17 isn’t easy and missing the pond on 18 isn’t exactly a given either. Much was to be decided still. I don’t care what Trump, Rodman  or Kim Jong Un say.”

Leaderboard (Through 17 Holes)

With an underwear full of tension and trailing by a single stroke, Gadget would struggle with the dastardly 18th hole, carding a double bogey six giving The Fogg some extra linen lined breathing room as he stood on the 18th tee. Fogg would find the fairway, safely avoid the pond with his approach, nestling his ball just short of the green in the rough right of the green. His 70 foot chip would curl pin high to 7 feet. All that was left was a 2 putt for victory. Fogg would miss the 7 footer but tap in for bogey 5 and the victory. “I was grinding over that putt.” said a now dripping Fogg. “I could hear the chatter on the hill behind me. They were probably telling stories about how I used to shoot 102 on Saturday’s…and now here I was putting for The Masters.” said Fogg. “The giggling and teasing shall stop now. Mission accomplished. This game is easy. Is the Wolfville Lawn Bowling Club opening up again anytime soon? Maybe I can Master that sport too,”

KWGA FEDEX CUP UPDATE

The Fogg’s Masters win vaulted the Wolfville bred champion to 1st place in the overall standings with a commanding 144.5 points. Inspector Gadget also jumped into 2nd place overall with 108.0 points while a soon to be vacationing Mr. Wildcat holds down third for the moment with 105.5 points. Wildcat will be hoping to hang around in the Top 8 qualifiers while he goes and practices his on air persona with a certain employee of the NHL Network for the next 2 Saturdays. Mr. October, The Commissioner, Maxwell-Smart Grampy and The 4th Reich hold down the rest of the Top 8 Qualifying spots. Bannister-Hennigar and a fast charging Biggest Johnson are close behind and will be no doubt trying to make a big push over the next few weeks before their significant others pull the plug on the amateur golf progress. Look for Biggest Johnson to put in some good work to find his spot in the summer fields as the Hants County Predator has been playing his best golf in the last 20 years. “I saw what Gary is capable of Friday at Avon Valley and again yesterday at The Masters. If he isn’t in the Top 8 qualifiers for the FEDEX Playoffs, then it’s Biddy’s fault. The guy has been reborn now that retirement is closing in.

The FEDEX Cup regular season runs through the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial on Saturday August 11, 2018 with the Quarter-Finals commencing on Saturday August 18, 2018 at the Barclays Championship. Go to STANDING-FEDEX CUP to see full standings and details.

“C’mon guys. Plan ahead. I am worth fighting for.” ~Holly

NEW SIGN-IN VOTING POLL

Fellas, I was able to find a new software “widget” to replace our old one that had begun to malfunction. I apologize for the chaos it may have caused over the last two weeks. Let’s get back to our old system and away from emailing me to sign up each week. LET’S USE THE SIGN-UP POLL ON THE WEBSITE.

Note: I have made one change to the voting poll. I have condensed two polls into one. Each week you may click on BOTH “Yes” for golf on Saturday and “I Will Get a Tee Time” if you so choose. If you have ANY questions about this please contact me. Thanks.

SOCIAL EVENTS CALENDAR

The next social event on our calendar is Harold’s Cheeseburger Picnic on Saturday July 21. Here is the rest of what I know as of this writing.

Saturday August 18- Darrell Cook & Johnny Kenny’s (Wolfville)

If you would like to host a social event or if I have missed something, please get in contact with me with a date and I will post it on the website under SOCIAL EVENTS. Thanks.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”ich denke, darrell hat sich verletzt “Motivator Cuff” yesterday.” ~4th Reich.  Loosely translated that means “I think Darrell injured his “Motivator Cuff” this morning.

*Word out of The Miramichi is that Bud caught a cold, 24 Keith’s and one big fish story that keeps getting bigger. Missed ya on Saturday but hope you had a great time with pops and your brother!

*Saturday’s Masters marked the first time Weasie finished outside of the Top 3 at The Masters. “It’s been a good run for me. Winning twice was amazing but what is more amazing is that it cost me $75 to engrave the trophy. Even more amazing than that is that I managed not to lose the Green Jacket and trophy. I mean I had the friggin’ thing for 24 months. Some of you guys can’t even keep a scorecard right for 4 hours let alone look after something for 24 months.”

*”What? Someone else birdied #17? I am NOT coming upstairs”~The Sheriff   Everyone already knows that John.  Update: Alas, just moments after that whining statement, it was discovered The Sheriff won a rang with a par….a PAR! There is no justice I tell you. None.

*Great day yesterday fellas. It’s one thing to create a platform but you have to have followers and people who believe. Just ask Hilary Clinton. See you next Saturday!

WILL YOU PLEASE SHAVE!

~THE FINAL SHOT~

The time for talking has come to an end. It’s time to put the ball in the air. I thought a short video might help inspire you as you stand over a difficult shot Saturday. Just think of how these men felt standing over their shots, in that moment in time. It’s time to summon YOUR inner Jack, Tiger or Phil…See you Saturday! Enjoy.

PS…Please LOG IN and answer the poll question entitled “Will Weasie Locke win his 3rd straight Masters?” This is a new poll and hopefully one we can use to sign up each week…but I need your help in testing it. Thanks!

THE COUNTDOWN IS ON

Players, Patrons Ready for 2018 Masters

Final preparations for Saturday’s 6th annual KWGA Masters are under way and a bevy of participants could be seen on the course for Wednesday’s Men’s Night where conditions were borderline nightmarish. Ken-Wo showed just how difficult a short course can play if the winds pick up from any direction, but especially breeze out of the west. Saturday’s forecast calls for winds out of the Southwest with gusts up to 15 Km/Hr with a high of 23 degrees Celsius, certainly a reprieve in comparison. “Dealing with crosswinds is difficult for amateur golfers, especially ones with emotional handicaps like mine.” said a disgusted Commissioner following his round Wednesday. 

So without further adieu, let’s get to Saturday’s odds.

WEASIE (1-2)- He knows how to win with a handicap this week that gives plenty of cushion. One of a few men who can shoot a 61 net without a camper.

FOGG (2-1)- Has been playing under par on a regular basis with ability to make birdies. No one is longer when he hits it and will always be relaxed one way or another.

Mr. OCTOBER (3-1)- Hasn’t fared well in previous Masters but his start in 2018 points to a different outcome this time around.

BIGGEST JOHNSON (4-1)- A recent round in the 70’s fired a warning shot over the KWGA bow. How can he not play relaxed with THAT pension on the way?

INSPECTOR GADGET (5-1)- Another man with a low net window. Recent form has been positive with a tie for 1st two weeks ago. If the world tilts a little to the left Saturday he could be wearing a jacket.

DENIM COWBOY (6-1)- Made his pro debut at The Masters 3 years ago. Still looking for a signature win on Tour. The question is…can he peel himself away from World Cup coverage?

Mr. WILDCAT (13-2)- Anniversary party. Check. New kitchen. Check. Masters Green Jacket? A windblown 77 during Wednesday’s Men’s Night points to good things Saturday.

CAPTAIN SHITACULAR (7-1)- The 2015 champions can powder the golf ball as hard as his son’s slap shot. But will the putting stroke be there? Or is it back to fixing Doug’s furnace in the basement?

BANNISTER-HENNIGAR (8-1)- People tend to overlook this man and sometimes for good reasons. However, he is big game hunter looking for a reason not to drive to Toronto this summer.

WHERE’S WALDO? (9-1)- George Jones was famous for missing the odd gig but Waldo plays majors and not guitars. A worrisome limp and Nick’s empty cart could get in the way of a Green Jacket?

MAXWELL-SMART (10-1)- Has used a hammer lately as much as a 9 iron. We know he has PLENTY of green in his wardrobe being a wabbit hunter and all. Can he summon the magic of 2013?

DARRELL COOK (11-1)- Put this under the category of “He’s due”. However, he has watched more middle school track & field than swung golf clubs lately…but who knows?

THE SHERIFF (12-1)- Impossible to predict  how  this man will play week to week. His range is 78-95 just like his best years in blue. Just picture being in his jail for one moment will you?

4th REICH (13-1)- The man has had more people living in his home the last 6 weeks than a Munich Youth Hostel. How he can concentrate on golf is beyond me. Good luck Saturday bud.

GRAMPY (14-1)- The Masters Mountain is high and chilly this week, especially after 5 days in PEI on the sauce. He’d have to shoot 69 to win and that only happens on special occasions.

THE COMMISSIONER (15-1)- Hard to win a tournament when you hit 5 greens a round. Will need a miracle to shoot 71. Swing coach injured and so its been a rudderless summer so far. At least the Ford’s are back in power.

THE HUNCHBACK (16-1)- Has more softball home runs than birdies so far in 2018. Last week’s round did nothing to raise his odds or spirits but a US Open Pool win helps cushion the blow a bit.

TELLY-KELLEY (17-1)- Has had Masters success in the past and was under par net in last event. If his desire was canned they would sell more than Campbell’s soup.

SHOOTER MacKAY (18-1)- That 6 handicap will force him to rekindle his glory days of past, when the driver hit the fairway and wedges threatened the hole. His son has better odds this week.

FONDA-THOMSON (19-1)- There’s always a kid in line that gets picked last in gym class. Other than driving, chipping and putting, golf will come easy for him this week.

~Final Notes~

*Please be prepared to stay after your 18 holes Saturday in case you are in a playoff. There is only one Green Jacket and trophy. A playoff would take place on the Par 3 Practice Hole between Holes #8 & 9. The playoff would be straight up, no handicaps needed. It is a 110 Yard Par 3 after all. The Green Jacket ceremony will take place on the deck following the round.

*Lastly, If you have ANY inkling that you cannot make your tee time Saturday morning, contact me immediately. We have 21 golfers signed up which means we would be wasting a tee time that Ken-Wo could sell if one of us doesn’t show up! Not good for business.