Countless hours of watching…studying, and yes, embarrassingly enough, fantasizing about Holly came to a climax Saturday afternoon as The Commissioner held off a fast role playing Bannister-Hennigar to win the 2017 Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial for the second time. Time and again The Commissioner summoned his inner Holly moan when things got difficult down the stretch with a birdie at #17 and a Seve Ballesteros par from the gravel road raised high above the 18th green. “This is an event I get worked up about.” said a beaming and flushed Commissioner. “Holly’s absence from my life over the past 3 winters cannot be measured. Fox Sports stole her from us. Golf Channel just isn’t the same without her, so I always want to come out and show her what she is missing, because make no mistake, she would fall in love with me if she met me.”
“Was that another birdie Commissioner? Let me get that for you.”
Not noted for starting fast, The Commissioner finally did just that with a birdie at #1 for the first time all season. A missed 6 footer for birdie at #2 was followed by a missed 12 footer for birdie at #3. HIs second birdie would have to wait until #7 where he filet mignon’d a wedge to 8 inches. Feeling over-confident, an errant approach to #9 would be the turning point. “It could have been disaster. I pulled a wedge down into the woods right of #9 green.” said an exhaling Commissioner. “Grampy luckily found my ball, I flopped it up to 15 feet and then drained that curler for par. Big moment for me.” An outward 34 gross was followed by a sloppier inward 38 but the 72 gross (65 net) would be enough to waltz with Holly once again. “I know it’s uncomfortable for the fellas to think of me in a romantic situation with Holly.” finished The Commissioner. “I really don’t care how they feel about it. Heaven knows they have watched worse at home alone. Big win for me today. Now if you will excuse me, I am calling The Golf Channel to get my girl back on the air.”
Trying hard like a porno co-star, Bannister Hennigar continued his fine fluffing of late with a scorching 37 gross front that included two money shots at #6 and #8 that resulted in birdies. Another birdie at #17 gave rise to championship hopes but his closing inward 38 gross would come up 2 strokes short of The Commissioner. “All of this circus that is Holly’s tournament doesn’t really mean a lot to me.” said a straight-faced Bannister. “You have to remember I just spent 3 weeks in Toronto with my in-laws, fake-smiling all day, going to operas and driving 23 hours home, so playing golf on Saturday’s feels like Martha Stewart leaving the Connecticut Department of Corrections to try out a new casserole recipe.” Bannister’s performance was his 4th Top 3 this season in just 7 events and put him back in the race for a FEDEX Playoff spot. A win at next week’s Canadian Open would make things interesting.
“Welcome to The Club gentlemen. Feels good, doesn’t it?”
A gaggle of golfers finished tied for third Saturday, a group that included a retired singer, retired golf pro and soon to be retired when his son stops taking expensive university courses Biggest Johnson. Fonda-Thomson was coming off the worst performance of his career just two weeks ago, a 101 that threatened his golf career after spending $2200 on all new golf apparel just weeks previous. Double-Double’s career has also been derailed by a bout with golf gout, while Biggest Johnson just keeps rolling along with a game built for breaking hopeful single-digit handicap hearts. “It’s really hard to feel sorry for any or all of those 3 men.” said a smirking Commissioner. “One has Hollywood looks and voice, one has more donuts than one man could ever eat or spend in one lifetime and the last one will be living off a pension just south of Donald Trump in the next few years. I on the other hand still have the same rims on my car as the day I bought it.”
The Rocket Returns
In a scene straight out of “Rocky”, the KWGA’s raspy-voiced villain made his 2017 KWGA debut Saturday and afforded himself well, firing a gross 80. However, when one looks inside the numbers, the performance was much better than the 80 you see on the scoreboard. A 7-7-6 finish marred what would have been a mid to low-70 just days after foot surgery and cranberry rehab. “The Rocket was actually tied for the lead standing on the 16th tee.” said an impressed Commissioner. “Whether it was the playing lessons from the pro, the power cart or the childish barbs from a shamed former Sheriff , nobody will truly know. It’s just good to see our buddy back.”
FEDEX Cup Playoffs Update
Just one week remains in the 2017 regular season and we have some intrigue to say the least. With points double for next Saturday’s final major, the Canadian Open, a lot can happen. Here’s what we know right now.
Mr. October-Fisher, The Commissioner and The Shark have cemented their spots in The Final 8. Barring a mathematical miracle, Grampy will also be in the field August 19 at The Barclays Championship.
Last season’s FEDEX Cup Champion, Mr. Wildcat will need to shake the sand out of his panties after a week at Parlee Beach wearing Blue-Blockers and avoid a bottom finish to avoid any nail-biting.
Air Bud, Inspector Gadget and Double-Double currently sit on the bubble and will need to finish in the Top half of the leaderboard, if not, they will have to hope that fatigue and amateur status rears its ugly head for Hunchback and Biggest Johnson.
The real intrigue starts with The Biggest Johnson and The Hunchback who currently sit at #9 and #10 respectfully. A win or Top 3 may be enough to get them in the playoffs. Both are hungry and motivated and have agreed to abstain from liquor and chesterfield rugby this week in an effort to be ready.
Bannister-Hennigar has a long shot chance but will need to win and hope that the field gets distracted by a Pride parade or lightning.
Remember, all members can still sign up and play in The Barclays Championship on Saturday August 19.
The Handicap Debate
We’re risking $6 a week and some pride for a plastic trophy I dug out of the back of Porter’s Trophy store in Kentville three years ago. Perspective.
Lebewohl mein Freunde
This Saturday at the Canadian Open we say goodbye to Doug Irwin who will be returning to Deutschland for another season coaching the finest hockey schnitzel that Germany has to offer. Doug, hopefully someday you will retire and have your autumns in Nova Scotia to be able to take a run at the FEDEX Cup and Bryson Intercontinental Championship. Until then, enjoy your hockey season and we look forward to seeing you at KenWo again in 2018!
Doug’s 2017 Highlights
A personal best Net 62 at the Munich Oktoberfest Open (2nd place).
An opening round 75 in KenWo’s Club Championship.
A par 5 at Avon Valley’s brutish, uphill Par 5 2nd hole…good enough to finally win his bet with The Commissioner.
Doug’s 2017 Lowlights
*Taking so many years to figure out how to use the slider weight on the bottom of his driver. After 15 years of hitting overcut fades, costing him 30 yards per drive, finally sliding that weight to DRAW changed the game a bit late this season. Enjoy those 30 extra yards and straight ball flight Doug…and bring it back on Tour in 2018!
P.S.- Don’t ever tell me to pick Paddy Harrington in a golf pool ever again!
News, Notes & Quotes
*”Can you imagine? Seven days sequestered in Cape Breton with Maxwell, Woodworth, Kenny, Bobby T. and Lister?”-Said about 100 times by 12 different people on the practice putting green before Saturday’s Sonders Memorial.
*Congrats to Burkie who advanced to the second round of the Club Championship Match Play event with a 4&3 win over Dave Jones Sunday evening. Wayne shot 34 on the Front Nine that included 3 birdies, then birdied #12 to take a 3Up lead, then ended the match on #15. His reward? Having to drive Mr. Jones back to Windsor because he didn’t have a ride. Great job Wayne!
*Harold, you won a rang and $11 with your birdie on #15 Saturday. I will pay you the next time I see you.
*See you next week fellas!
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