FEDEX CUP SEMI-FINALS
DEUTSCHE BANK CHAMPIONSHIP
The air was thick with play-off anticipation Saturday morning along with a brisk, chilly wind and drizzle that angrily greeted the combatants at venerable KenWo GC for the Semi-Finals of the FEDEX Cup. After advancing from last week’s quarter-finals, the quartet of The Commissioner, Mr. Wildcat, Grampy and The Hunchback looked to punch their ticket to the finals. The group included two former FEDEX Champions (Poirier, Burke), one runner-up (Thomson) in the KWGA’s inaugural season of 2014 and a 2017 Slob Ball League Gold Glover. You can’t make this stuff up.
Take THAT fellas. What a par! ~Mr. Wildcat
Defending champion Mr. Wildcat’s day began with a trip down double bogey lane after an errant drive and second shot that rattled off the trees 100 yards away from the green. The steam started to rise from the Bedford dwellers temple and many patrons looked for safer pastures just 10 minutes into the round. However, he would recover and fire a rock solid 39 gross Front 9 that included a Hale Irwin-esque romp around the 7th green after nailing a 19 foot downhill putt for par. “Definitely a turning point for me emotionally today. I drove it under a bush and had to take relief.” said a smiling Wildcat. “I was either going to make 4…or 6…so getting a 4 there gave me the cushion I needed heading into the Back 9. I also wanted my opponents to see that I could still move around and play some second base if called upon.”
KenWo’s Senior Men’s Champion headed into his day with high expectations but not much in the tank after 29 straight days of golf. However, a head-scratching triple bogey at the 4th hole led to a 42 gross Front 9 and a furrowed brow under that Jennifer Tilly-Titty hat. Nothing seemed to go right for the Windsor Spitfire no matter how hard he didn’t try. “It was a Grampy I was not used to seeing.” said a confused Commissioner. “I was busy fishing my ball out of the creek on the 4th so I didn’t really have time to count all of his strokes there. I just knew that no matter how far down he was, there would be some kind of pushback at some point in the round. That’s how they grow them in Windsor. Plus I knew he was looking for some money to help him pay for a wedding. The $450 he won on Men’s Night this week wasn’t enough obviously.”
For the Commissioner, a week of good play leading into the event meant a good frame of mind heading into the semi-finals, however putting woes would plague him on the Front 9 as several chances for birdie early were squandered and a missed 2 footer on #7 led to a bland 40 gross Front 9 that would put him 2nd place heading into the Back 9. “I struck the ball OK but always left myself 4 feet for par all morning.” said a relieved Commissioner. “Playing with those 3 guys is like being sent into a mine field in Iraq with a blindfold on. Eventually you are going to become golf splatter…”
Softball or Bust! ~Hunchback
One source of drama heading into the morning surrounded The Hunchback, whose blossoming softball career has put golf on notice, and with a World Championship softball qualifier scheduled for 1pm Saturday, would The Hunchback be able to fit it all in? The answer would come early as the Falmouth fire-baller hit a snag at the Par 3 5th with a double-bogey. Another at #7 meant softballers in Falmouth would have their man for the first game of a doubleheader. He would recover nicely with a 6 hole stretch from holes #8-13 at even par gross, but the car trunk was slammed and the softball leotards would replace the golf knickers. “Golf tries me at times.” said a gracious Hunchback. “I know I am better at this game than my body language gives off…but when I watch my buddy Burkie make birdie from the woods at #10, I know it’s time to switch my focus to beer in a dugout and homeruns off of 60 year old pitchers.”
Leaderboard- Thru 9 Holes
Mr. Wildcat -6
Commissioner -1
Grampy +1
Hunchback E
In what can only be termed Golf Armageddon, the KWGA’s Miracle Man Grampy did what all men should do when they are down and out…fire at flagsticks. After a pop-up fade off of #10 tee that left him 239 yards to the pin from the deep woods, his 3 wood blast through the timber nearly found the bottom of the hole. A 17 foot birdie putt then found the bottom, his first of four warning blasts to his playing competitors that would begin the inward nine. A 21 footer up the hill for birdie on #11 also found the cup’s bottom. Another 15 footer on #12 rattled to the bottom…and then it got ridiculous. Grampy then poured in a 37 foot curler from the right of #13 green that gracefully “dinked” in for his fourth straight birdie to start the Back 9, vaulting him into the lead, making up 7 strokes in just four holes. “What can you say. He got on a run that had the Commissioner and I shaking our heads and pooping our pants at the same time.” said a dumbfounded Mr. Wildcat. “To watch somebody play that well at the amateur level is akin to seeing yourself star in your first adult film…awe-inspiring and gross at the same time.”
Leaderboard- Thru 13 Holes
Grampy -3
Mr. Wildcat -2
Commissioner -1
Hunchback W/D
Grampy’s run of birdies would come to an end at the 14th after his drive found the woods to the right, however, his self-righteous par felt just like a birdie to the rest of the field. Mr. Wildcat would then send his own message at #15 with a 5 iron to 4 feet and subsequent birdie that had KWGA fans racing to the 16th tee like kids trying to get into their first High School dance. “Majestic iron there. KK was on the bogey train and sinking fast and then comes up with that shot when he needed it most.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “It was just so hard to make up any ground when they were knocking it stiff all Back 9.Then I miss a 2 footer for par on #15. I thought that may cost me. I was just trying to hang in there and avoid all of the shrapnel. Tip of the hat there.”
Wayne, you continue to amaze me.
The 16th would be a turning point as Grampy’s approach to #16 went awry and a flubbed chip led to a double bogey that opened the door for The Commissioner. The Commissioner and Mr. Wildcat would bogey the hole on a day that saw zero pars from the 16 man KWGA field. “That hole was playing like a beast today. Just no room for error with a cold wind in your face.” said Grampy. “I needed to get that chip up on to the green and get out of Dodge with a bogey there. Disappointing but there were still two holes to play and I know I still haven’t used my “Burkie” for the day..”
The trio headed to the 17th tee knowing that something spooky would probably happen…and that’s just what the people got.
Leaderboard- Thru 16 Holes
Mr. Wildcat -1
Grampy E
Commissioner +1
Hunchback W/D
The Commissioner would find lightning in a bottle at #17 with a drive that left him 187 yards to the flag and a green light opportunity. With a constant breeze at his back, a 7 iron nestled pin high left of the green and a chip to 18 inches meant birdie for the only KWGA’er still able to break a sweat in 9 degree weather. Mr. Wildcat would par the hole while Grampy found trouble after an errant drive that left him in the woods to the right between some nasty roots. “He did well there to make bogey. He had nothing but a pitch out of the woods. He just kept fighting with a smile and kept himself right in it to the end.” said The Commissioner. “Jan certainly is getting a Tiger for a husband in so many ways.”
Leaderboard- Thru 17 Holes
Mr. Wildcat -1
Commissioner E
Grampy +1
Hunchback W/D
With everything on the line, safety was the key at #18. However, Grampy’s drive was short, leaving him a 5 wood to the green and a difficult angled shot. Mr. Wildcat found the right rough but seemed free and clear to the green while The Commissioner found the right rough with 144 yards of real estate yet to travel. Then back to back “Burkie’s” would send chuckles and giggles throughout the threesome. Grampy’s approach veered angrily right, well into the woods 80 yards right of the green…and careen gently back to the middle of the fairway. Mr. Wildcat would follow suit, drilling the huge coniferous hardwood yet deflecting left back into the fairway. “I thought I would be able to cruise in with a bogey for sure after those two went wild but sometimes the bounces make things interesting.” said a bemused Commissioner. “It was fun to have to hit a shot under pressure. I pulled it a bit but she came off the bank nicely and onto the green. A sigh of relief there.”
Mr. Wildcat would filet a gorgeous wedge to 9 feet securing a bogey that would put him in the finals. All that was to be decided was if the Commissioner could 3 putt from 33 feet. “Just a great fun day of pure golf out there today.” said The Commissioner. “Sportsmanship and comradierie at its finest. This is exactly what I envisioned when I started giving FEDEX points each week four long years ago, for days like this when we could all pretend that we were on the PGA Tour. My hats off to Mr. Wildcat and Grampy who showed what being a competitor is all about. I didn’t see much of their sporting careers live, have only heard the stories, but now I know none of those stories were lies. Thanks for a great, fun day. Hunchback, I love you buddy…”
Leaderboard- Final
Commissioner E
Mr. Wildcat E
Grampy +2
Hunchback W/D
AIR BUD ROBS THE DEUTSCHE BANK!
A season of near misses came to an end Saturday at the Deutsche Bank Championship for a man that loves his dog more than I love my golf clubs. After frustrating runner up finishes at The Masters and Players Championship, a 71 at the Men’s Night closing and a partridge in a pear tree, Air Bud snatched victory Saturday afternoon at KenWo GC, firing a net 67 that was good for a one stroke victory over a Gadget Man and a gaggle of golfers tied for 3rd. The relief was etched all over his face after a countless weeks waiting patiently upstairs at the bar after low rounds, only to have a player from the last group terrorize his soul. “I started to notice that I was flinching in my sleep. I think it’s that PTSD those soldiers get, dodging shells for years. You can’t help it. It feels good to finally get a W in 2017 though. I even stopped in New Minas and got a dog treat to eat after the round. He wanted an ice cream…so I ate the biscuits.”
My life at home. ~Gadget
A Front Nine 38 was “highlighted” both literally and figuratively by a birdie at #5 and the race was on for Scooby Snacks aplenty. Another birdie at #15 drew the vagabond even with The Gadget at -3 and after a fluffy Gadget bogey at #17, the lead for good and a Deutsche Bank Championship after an Air Bud par at the 18th. “I can’t bark into words what this means to me. I was playing with Chris today and he shot 39 on the Back 9 which made it difficult for me to breath at all.” said a besmirching Air Bud. “The guy knows his phones and his way around KenWo for a 16 handicapper. I am excited about the KWGA Fall season now that my game is in peak form. I hear they even let dogs on the grounds when the leaves start to fall!”
For Gadget Rushton, Saturday was a day he could come home to his estrogen infested abode and finally get them to listen. Only a disastrous 8 at the Par 5 6th hole would in the end cost him a victory. Pars at #12, #13, #14, #15, #17 and #18 highlighted a stretch of golf that would make his own children hit the practice range for more work. However, the hard work and grinding was not enough for his first victory in 2017. “Sometimes you can only tip your hat to your opponent and move on. It’s like when I used to have to go shopping with my family and be forced to spend 3 hours in Lulu Lemons…while I was only allotted 2 minutes in Cleve’s Sporting Goods.” Said Gadget. “Life isn’t fair sometimes but I did make them so I have to deal with it just like on the golf course.”
The only black mark in Air Bud’s day was a decision by the KWGA brass to place Air Bud back on “scorecard probation” for yet another snafu. In a KWGA first, Air Bud started placing squares around bogies, squares that looked an awful lot like circles for birdies. “He was doing so good, I swear. He seemed rehabilitated. My job doing the Rang Report is hard enough with The Hunchback interrupting me every time I start to announce the winners each week, let alone having to decipher bogey squares and birdie circles in a darkened dining room. Who “squares” bogies anyway? If everyone who kept score in the KWGA did that our cards they would look like old bingo cards after Aunt Edna got done stamping them with those black ink stampers. Next time I will scan the scorecard and post it on the website!” said The Commissioner. “I still love you Bud.”
Ringer Board Update
I am not sure how many of you have been checking in with this all year…or even knew it was going on, but the KWGA Ringer Board is heating up. If you are curious to see the whole leaderboard, go click on TOUR SCHEDULE-RINGER BOARD and scroll down…all the way down.
In Division 1, none other than Grampy leads the way after 19 events at 59 with Double-Double close behind at 60, The Shark at 62 and a part time Barry Bannister at 62.
In Division 2, a close race included Telly-Kelley and “Boston” Big Johnson at 63 with The Sheriff, Wildcat and a part time Captain Shitacular Levy one stroke behind at 64.
What can you say about Division 3? Without question the most surprising and awe-inspiring efforts with Mr. October’s ace giving him a one shot lead at 62 over best buddy Gadget at 63 and a resurgent Fogg at 64. The Ringer Board will go right until the season finale, the Bryson Intercontinental Championship on October 14. Everyone still has time to make a run!
News, Notes & Quotes
*“There sure are a lot of weddin’s this summer!” ~Anonymous
*A Farewell to our buddy Nick Carey who leaves Monday for the northern hinterland hunting Grizzlies and anything else that moves. I enjoyed your company this summer and look forward to seeing you down the road buddy. Take a picture of that big ugly Grizzly will ya?
*Some bad news Friday as Doug’s hockey team in Germany came up a bit short in their first preseason game 7-1. I would paste the link to their team’s website here for you to see…but he threatened me if I did. Keep your chin up Doug and GO GET ‘EM SUNDAY!
*The Sign-Up and Volunteer boxes for this FRIDAY’S Tour Championship have been posted on the website. Good luck to those KWGA’ers playing in next weekend’s Coors Light 2 Man Scramble. It should be a lot of fun! Play well!
*“Pfffftttttt…Ya right…The Sheriff played Glen Abbey. Whatever.”~The Commissioner
Anyone could find a picture like this on the internet. It doesn’t prove anything.
Is that you John? I can’t really tell. Shadowy, dark, zoomed way too far out…plus those tees look like the tips…and we know you don’t play the tips buddy! Stop lying you cross-eyed, crayon… PS. Please stay away from the Halifax Waterfront from now on! Love ya buddy!
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