DON’T “TUSSLE” WITH THE FOGG!!!
Finally, the fury and golf violence that is “The Fogg” may finally stop! Wolfville product and Tupper Lake savant Mike White made KenWo his personal playground of ganja Saturday morning in what can only be called a golfing miracle. After two years of slashing, cussing and trying, White used more than his prodigious length and power to tame KenWo with a personal season’s best 79 gross (-9 Net) in winning The Tussle at Tupper Lake by a whopping 6 strokes. The event was never in doubt as White laid down the gauntlet with pars at #1 and #2 and at #3 by driving the green and tapping in for birdie to start his round -1 gross. As if to snub his nose and spit at the rest of the field one last time, White then decided to finish his round par, birdie, par, par on holes #15-#18 serving notice that he can make more than free throws. “This is an exciting day for me.” said an elated White. “Golf isn’t what I was born to do but I think today proves that if you have any physical / mental limitations or personal issues, they can be overcome. I just caught fire today like a pair of Under Armour swim trunks at a post-round campfire and I couldn’t be stopped.”
Even more surprising than his win was his post-round choice of music, a Bob Marley/Peter Tosh raggae mix that hasn’t been heard since an Acadia University CARICOM Society fundraiser. KWGA members could only look on in amazement like watching a 7 legged platypus being caught on film in the wild for the very first time. White’s win marks the third straight time this season a KWGA member hosting a social event has won his own event prompting some to ask The Commissioner’s Office for an inquiry. “I don’t know what to say.” said a stunned Commissioner Ford. “I had guys walking past me silently post-round, rolling their eyes and asking me to sick The Ombudsman on The Fogg. Results like todays make you realize why Jim Jones’ followers actually drank the Kool-Aid.”
Saturday also saw the continued solid, strong play of Harold “Mr. October” Fisher whose -3 score would win many weeks on tour. Mr. October has found his golfing “Fountain of Youth” in the last 9 months and he was asked about it at his post-round press conference. “Listen fellas, this is not rocket science. When you are happy, you play well. Your mind is clear and you have a postive outlook on the possibilities of each shot. I don’t envision disaster before any shot or think that the sky may fall if I don’t mak par. Plus they lowered the monthly fee on my website subscription and raised my allowable dates per month. How can I lose? I want to be the first to congratulate The Fogg on a great round. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go clean up the house, activate all of my vanilla “scratch and sniffs” in my bathroom…and make my bed.”
The battle for third place came down to a sword fight between the KWGA’s phallic acronyms, Gary “Biggest” Johnson and Jeff “The Third” Legge in what turned out to be a donnybrook for TIMBER supremacy. KWGA fans have been begging for these two penile giants to go head to head for 2 years now, and Saturday it finally came to fruition. In what can only be termed a surprise it was Johnson and his blue pills who outlasted his younger competitor down the stretch going even par in The Valley to douse Legge with his brand of special sauce. The Third Legge seemed powerless in the face of Johnson’s X-rated assault, bogeying the final two holes to poetically end this matchup in a tie. “I haven’t been this worn out since my last film, Behind KenWo’s Green Door.” said an exhausted yet happy Johnson. “The Third Legge can play and he knows how to use his hose too, so this battle today will go down in KWGA lore. I just hope I don’t have to prove myself again like that for another few weeks. I ain’t 28 anymore.”
KWGA INSURANCE POLICY UPDATE
Please be advised that the KWGA’s medical and insurance benefits premiums have had to be increased to deal with the increased demand after Saturday’s “Campfire for Invalids” at Tupper Lake. Furthermore, the KWGA can’t be deemed responsible for any damage occurring at Social Events when (a) alcohol or medicine is being used/is present (b) Basic fire prevention/boating safety procedures are not followed/ignored (c) someone has a pre-existing condition that impedes them from moving away from downwind or (d) your wife/significant other/boyfriend has to come to pick you up and drive you home every time.
KWGA veteran Grampy relaxes haphazardly at the post-round gathering in Tupper Lake Saturday evening.
KWGA members Murray, Poirier, Newcombe and White in clear violation of KWGA Safety Code 37(a) failure to adhere and wear life preservers and for being imbeciles.
(Evidentiary Claim#2) Complainant:Poirier….$19.99
NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES
~”Great job Sheriff…atta keep your pants on buddy.” ~The Commissioner utters this post-round to himself following The Sheriff’s first round this season where he managed to keep his belt fastened for 18 holes.
~A “Welcome Back” this week to Maxwell-Smart. After signing a new multi-year contract with Cobra, Maxwell-Smart walked onto KenWo and fired a ferocious 72 that included 9 pars, 4 birdies and a partridge in a pear tree.
~Next week Rod “Where’s Waldo” Murray will defend his title at The Heritage. Murray fired a career low 67 to win last season’s event however this year’s over/under on his score is 80. (Harrah’s Sportsbook & Casino, Las Vegas, NV).
~All reports from StanFest ’15 have come back positive with only minor casualties reported. However, KWGA veteran Double-Double is questionable for The Heritage with a sore/separated shoulder after falling asleep in the grassy field.
~See you next week fellas and a SPECIAL THANKS to Mike White and Mark Gavin for their efforts and hospitality at Tupper Lake. It was much appreciated. The food and beverages were right on the money…and the benefits of that Lake Water cannot be overstated. I do not get many chances to feel “weightless”, so yesterdays two dips in the lake were priceless for me!
The Commissioner
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