TUESDAY AT THE MASTERS- KENWOLIA LANE
Tuesday brought unsettled weather to KenWo which may have proved to keep many KWGA’ers away from preparations heading into Saturday’s Masters, but not for two notables who managed to sneak rounds in. Last week’s Herbin Experience winner Double-Double and The 4th Reich made hay where others saw cow dung, squeezing in 18 holes in the high winds and scattered rains. It is that type of commitment that wins tournaments…or gets your wife to file for divorce.” said The Commissioner from KenWo’s Driving Range. “Those two…they may come off as being aloof, but down deep you know they want to claw someone’s eyeballs out. If golf was baseball, they would throw “chin music” at their grandmother if it meant a strikeout.”
“Who cares if we are in the bastion of Acadien French settlement? Stomp as hard as you want lads! Let’s be Irish for a day!” ~4th Reich
On a lighter note, footage from the 4th Reich’s Cape Breton weekend has begun to leak out slowly causing many to wonder if Pride Week is also celebrated in the Highlands of Nova Scotia. Dapperly clad in his tartan outfit, Irwin claimed victory among his Ontario friends, friends who pretend to be Irish once a year. “This is my favorite getaway of the year.” said an effusive Irwin. “These guys know how to party and play golf. This will no doubt have me ready for Saturday’s Masters. I don’t care what the naysayers write. The German press is much harder on me than any KWGA correspondent could ever be. Being cursed out in two languages is a skill and something to brag about.”
The big question for Irwin this week won’t be his driver, irons or putter, instead, just how will he get to the golf course. Rumour has it that Irwin has applied to KenWo’s Board of Directors to have his compact car officially licensed as a golf cart, able to be used on KenWo’s fairways. “Listen, it is efficient on gas, has passed all emissions testing and heck, has more leg room than a regular golf cart. Why not?” said Irwin. “Maybe I will start a trend. I see more golf carts parked 3 feet from the edges of greens out there anyway. Why don’t we just make a pasture out of the place?”
The KWGA would like to thank its confidential informant for his adept photo-taking and policing skills…The Sheriff would be proud!
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THE KWGA’S “LEADING MAN”
You can’t teach what Harold Fisher has. Some may quip and even complain about how a 17 handicap can birdie the first hole 3 of the last 4 weeks on Tour but Fisher has been dodging bullets all his life, birdies are nothing. Blessed with an immunity to golf and performance anxiety, Fisher has become a regular atop weekly KWGA leaderboards and that’s why some are pointing to the New Aylesford resident as a favorite heading into Saturday’s Masters. “I’ve just realized that I am competing with myself out there and not the rest of the field.” said a calm and relaxed Fisher. “Forcing things like good golf swings and marriage just don’t mesh. You have to finesse your way around the course just like you do your wife. Some of these other KWGA’ers haven’t figured that out yet.”
“Dad, you mean I have to clean up the shit too?”
With a purse full of loonies and twonies after just 10 weeks on Tour in 2017, Fisher has tried to stay away from the trappings of success. His success on Tour has not led to flamboyant spending and excess. “My truck already has new rims and I’ve got enough money buried in my front lawn at the cottage to last me a while.” said Fisher. “KWGA Saturday’s are like my 13th birthday when I got a pony. It’s like my birthday every freaking day! It’s not about the money, it’s about feeling like a kid again.” No word on if he had to clean any of the pony shit. Good luck Saturday Harold…we’re all just visitors in your world at the moment.
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The Masters Prizes
The Par 3’s
Four chances for glory. Saturday’s Masters will have a “game within the game” as The Commissioner’s Office is proud to announce prizes for closest to the hole on Holes #2, #5, #11 and #15. Pegs with paper insert will be placed on those holes’ greens, so please be aware. You don’t want to miss out! Why did I leave Hole #13 out? Three reasons…(a) You can’t see the green from the tee (b) Simple Math in the prize pool structure and (c) #13 has me personally by the nuts at the moment, so I omitted it.
Best Masters Ensemble
This is your chance to show your Masters fashion sense. I don’t mean you need to try and be Rodney Dangerfield, making a mockery of our great game and event. Instead, colour, sense of fashion and class will be judged. So do some thinking and let’s see those Masters ensembles shine. Make out great course look even better than it already does!
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LIVING…AND DYING BY THE GUN
The Sheriffs’s Plea for a Masters Miracle
“Let me get just one Rang fellas…ONE F****** Rang.” ~Sheriff
After a shocking 2015 which saw The Sheriff win twice on Tour and finish a staggering 2nd in the FEDEX Standings, the Lakeville Loon has struggled to regain that magnificent form. Some are pointing to a balky putter that may soon require The Claw grip, while others are pointing to a possible case of Tourette’s Syndrome. Whatever the case may be, the fans of the KWGA have missed The Sheriff’s brushes with glory atop the leaderboard. “It’s like losing a battle with hemorrhoids.” said a downcast Commissioner. “He sells the Tour in his ow special way, so to see him a non-factor week after week makes me want to buy stock in Preparation H just to help him out.”
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WHAT TO LOOK FOR WEDNESDAY @THE MASTERS
*Men’s Night/Practice Round Scoring
*Words from The Defending Champion- Brent Locke
*To Cart or Walk? To Drink or Smoke? Hard Questions for men in contention.
*Thanks to those who helped get tee times Tuesday morning!
*Time is ticking boys…See you tomorrow!
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