TOOTSIE THE DAY AWAY!
Commissioner Relives, Captures The Cabaret
“If you build it, they will come.” No, I am not talking about the famous line from the movie “Field of Dreams.” If you didn’t already know, they stole that line from the manager of Tootsies-Miami Cabaret on 183rd street in the tough city of Miami Gardens. Whenever you build a building as big as that for the purposes of highly female athletic ability, the masses will flock. Seemingly inspired by four years of splendid nights in Miami’s #1 destination for smiles and success, your Commissioner battled his way like a good Seve Ballesteros round from the 1980’s on his way to winning the 2018 Tootsies-Miami Cabaret by one stroke over three men who should never set foot in Tootsies for varying and important reasons. “I think it is ironic that strippers and golf count their scores using “strokes.” said a beaming Commissioner. “This win today means the world to me. When I added this tournament to the schedule three years ago, it was a way for me to relive some of those Friday nights I spent having dinner and watching ball games on big screen TV’s…and the odd lap dance, but I digress. About the only other person who would understand what I am talking about is yanking monster lake trout out of Northern BC waters at the moment. I have to also thank my swing coach of the past 20+ years for tuning me up this week.”
“TOOTSIE THAT!”
The Commissioner’s day did not start out well with a double bogey that included left woods off the tee, pavement, deep rough, a chip and two putts. Up and downs from the woods on #2 and #3 were the precursor to a birdie at his nemisis hole #4. However, the shot that changed everything was a 155 yard faded nine iron approach to #7 green from the #6 side of the trees. “Nobody saw what I was looking at or the ball in the air, but I could have easily made 8 there.” said The Commissioner. “I just got over it and said, you know what, the world hates a coward.” His ball would stop 11 feet underneath the hole for a safe par 4. “That gave me the confidence and peace of mind to relax and think about a few of Tootsies’s finest I met over the years. Talk about a happy place.” The Seve pars would continue at #8 and #10 seemingly pole vaulting him through some shaky swings like a Rickie Fowler fiance’. “I happened to bump into Rod on #16 fairway when I was playing #17 and he said to go ahead and birdie it, and so I did.” said The Commissioner. “His husky voice was in stark contrast to those soft, feminine voices I was hearing in my head all day but it was effective nonetheless. However, it is not a habit I want to get in to. I never want to get my wires crossed in that area.”
Coming in a very close second was pre-tournament favorite at 2-1 Telly-Kelley, whose season has quickly picked up speed in the last 4 weeks. Pars on four of the first 5 holes followed by a birdie at the 8th hole meant contention but his back to back triple bogies at the 9th and 10th would torpedo his round. However, that’s when Telly-Kelley is at his best, when you count him out. Five straight pars would follow and the New Minas dweller would drag himself back into contention but his efforts would fall just one stroke short. “It was fun to be in contention again and thought of as a favorite.” said Telly-Kelley. “I’ve never been to Tooties but I can only imagine the celebration there after a win…and neither can they.”
#3 The Irwin’s
Also tying for second Saturday was The 4th Reich, whose magic wand wasn’t in his khaki shorts on this day. Weeks of bemoaning a balky putter became fist pumps of joy after rolling in well over 100 feet of putts on this day. His round included 7 one putt greens on the all important Back Nine which included a ridiculous 33 foot downhill curler on #16 that tied him for the tournament lead. “It’s probably best I didn’t win today.” said a relieved 4th Reich. “I have had more company in my home the last 3 months than a Hamburg Youth Hostel…and with more to come. After I jammed in yet another putt on #18 I thought I may have a chance to win but I will take my round today. I squeezed every ounce out of it considering how I hit my driver today. Anyone needing a room or place to stay the rest of the summer is welcome to call my wife’s hotline, errrrr, our cell phone to make reservations.”
Last but not least, and also tying for second this week, was a man, just two weeks ago, who tendered his retirement from golf and the KWGA after a stripper-less 102 at The Masters. The druken text retirement was treated like a Jim Lahey Captain Morgan binge by The Commissioner and what do you know? Fonda-Thomson would find his golf mojo once again with an 85 gross that included two triple bogies. Only a bogey at #18 would come between him and his first career KWGA win. “I have to credit my Friday at Eagle Crest with a few lads that made me look like Jordan Spieth comparatively.” said Fonda-Thomson. “Confidence is everything in golf I know. You can have $3,000 worth of gear in your bag, which I do, but it doesn’t amount to a pinch of raccoon sh** if the man swinging it doesn’t think he can.” Well played my brother.
FEDEX CUP UPDATE
The Fogg continues to lead the Race for the FEDEX Cup even after a 12th place finish yesterday. Inspector Gadget held down his second place standing also after a disappointing day at Tootsies, which is very difficult to do. The Commissioner jumped back up to 3rd place with his win. The 4th Reich vaulted to 7th with his solid round yesterday. Men to watch include Telly-Kelley who has jumped all the way to 16th place with 58.0 points in just five events. However, the most relieved man is no doubt Mr. Wildcat, who after taking the last two weeks off to sun himself in a backyard pool on a rubber dingy remains above the cut off line in 8th place with 105.5 points. “I am coming back with a tan, renewed golf vigor and a boatload of good memories and positive imagery.” said Mr. Wildcat. “I will be stylin’, profilin’ jet ridin’…and I am having a hard time keeping these alligator shoes down baby!” See you next Saturday KK!
KWGA- THE NEXT 2 WEEKS
Next Saturday is our second Major, The Players Championship on July 14. The sign-up box has already been posted on the website. The following Saturday is Harold’s Cheeseburger Picnic on July 21. There is a lot of organizing to do so I will need your help. How can you help? By paying attention and responding to alerts. Starting on Saturday night July 14, I will be posting a poll on the website with several questions.
1. Will you be playing golf in The Cheeseburger Picnic?
2. Will you be attending Harold’s Social in Aylesford Lake?
3. Will you be bringing your significant other?
Answer these questions will help Harold, his wife and I prepare enough food for everyone. What else can YOU do? Have a positive attitude and bring something to drink!
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
~THE COMMISSIONER
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