Braving monsoon rain and fogged up fairways, two “Noah’s” took centre stage Saturday morning, taking turns building their own “L’arch de Triumph” in sharing the 2017 Heritage Classic title at what has become known as KenWo Golf Club & Aquirium. In yet another challenging weather day on Tour, the duo of Luvable (Cuddles) Grampy & The Man surrounded by water (Puddles) Mr. October spit at the conditions where others faltered with matching net 65’s, besting a manimal named The Shark by 4 strokes, a man well suited for the watery grave the rains created. “I generally don’t like sharing things but I guess I have no choice today.” said a soggy yet smiling Grampy following the round. “I shot 71 gross so I did all I could. Sometimes you just have to tip your hat to people when they come up big in the crunch…or just lay down your sword and marry them.”
With tournament organizers debating pre-tournament whether to even leave the safety and dryness of the deck canopy behind #1 tee, Mr October sent out his first harpoon, a drive that split the first fairway, and The Heritage was off and running. A Front Nine 39 gave October another early lead this season as he made the turn at -13 net. Grampy grabbed an oar and paddled his way to a Front Nine 37 (-4 net) so there was plenty of ground to be made up. A 2 under gross Orchard and 34 gross overall Back Nine meant the grizzled veteran had reeled in 9 strokes and Mr. October himself to share the title. The accomplishment tied the record for biggest comeback in Tour history, a record Grampy set himself in 2015 in winning the FEDEX Finals vs the man formerly known as KKK. “A tremendous accomplishment to say the least.” said a bedazzled Commissioner. “I played in the group ahead of him, and every time KK and I looked back, Grampy’s yellow ball was no more than 5 feet from the hole the entire Back Nine. KK was twitching every time he saw that yellow ball so close to the hole. I am guessing he was having flashbacks to the 2015 FEDEX Finals. And what can you say about Mr. October? That’s his fourth win on Tour this season. He just continues to put himself in position week after week. He probably needs that tournament money to feed his 3 horses, I mean dogs, at home. That’s what I call pressure.”
Tournament host and resident “fashionista” Mark The Shark brought home his fifth Top 3 finish in 2017 with his 69 net, cementing himself in third place in the race for the FEDEX Cup. However, it wasn’t so much his score that had everyone amazed, conversely, it was the fact that he was the only golfer who didn’t look wet Saturday afternoon. “Arnie and I looked like we had bathing suits on by the time we strolled up 18 fairway.” said a drowned Commissioner. “The Shark on the other hand? His shirt tail remained tucked in and there was nary a ripple in his pantalon. He’s unbelievable.” Possibly taking offense to being punted out of his original grouping early in the round, The Shark found that sweet rhythm that we all sought at our High School dances…but most never actually found. His birdie at #13 solidified his standing as he entered The Valley and all that was left was to start the BBQ in Tupper Lake. “The golf was easy today.” said a relaxing Shark. “My biggest worry was reigning in The Fogg and making sure he got SOMETHING in his tummy before the barrage of medicine that would inevitably follow once we got home from golf. Sausage anyone?”
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KWGA KIJIJI- WANT ADD
“All I Need to Break 80 in the Rain Kit”
Gloves- preferably older models. sticky/tacky feel, THE NEW MODELS SUCK!
5 XL Gortex Water Proof Jacket & Splash Pants w draw string
Shoes-Size 16 All Weather/Water Proof Flippers
8 Foot Umbrella w extended tube for pull cart (minus the Dog hair Scott)
Fisherman’s Hat- Kinda like the one Burkie wore but one that doesn’t look like a penis on my head
3 Shammy Cloth Towel set w Toronto Maple Leafs Logo
Renu Contact Lens Solution for foggy. wet days
Johnson’s Baby Powder for inner thigh chaffing
Fruit of the Loom Breathable Undies- Boxer Briefs
iPhone 9 w data plan to check weather updates and Doppler Radar
There…I feel comfortable now…Let it RAIN on us AGAIN!
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The Bringer of Rain- The Hunchback
And no, I am not talking about a towering, Dave Kingman type beer league softball homerun…After a stern lecture via group email last week in which he scolded the KWGA and its offices in a scathing memorandum, The Hunchback admonished its membership to basically “toughen up…or stay in bed every Saturday morning.” So what happens just 5 days later? You guessed it. The biggest monsoon in KWGA history. A day that saw the greens float under water by the 13th hole, hands fly off club grips like leaves falling from trees and no KenWo Hospitality Cart to help wash out the sorrow and brighten the spirits. I dare say the latest episode of “BrookeFit” could not have saved me personally from golf purgatory Saturday morning Kevin…you Halifax Stag Party going, softball wannabe, sandbagging, good for everything jokester and Life Coach bastard. What a day to miss buddy. SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK! #NoFreakingJustice
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Sheriff’s Court Report
Speedin’ Violations
I, Sherrif John, gotta big bone to pic with a couple of yu fellers. I see ya drivin’ in KenWo like its ur own friggin’ weddin’ day, but for crissakes, ya gotta slo it down a bitt cummin’ to the course. I saw a Youtoob video the other daay where this women drove righht over this old bastard for just steeling her purse! Now can yu imagine? the gall of that ole coot! I say off wit there heads…or they’re golf clubs for fooksake. 4th Reich, this ain’t the German Autobahn. One day ur gonna go so fast in that go- cart of urs that yull end up in the bunker on #13. Arnie, ur car can’t fully cleer a speed bump, so Imma put that ole bump back right in front of that crost walk headin to #10 tee. And Burkie, you ole preck, drivin’ aroun all proud like in thaat big fookin white truck like you own the road…Imma key scratch the paint right off one side of it if ya dont slow down and get to ur tee time early for once…and parkin wherever ya gosh darn well feel like it. Imma sick Rick on ya and send ya a greasy letter if ur not careful.
OK boys, next week were gonna talk about boatin’ safety before we go to Harold’s House on the 15th… so don’t miss it…or I’ll mak ya cum to church with me next Sunday. And remember….always check ur hair on the regularr…Breaker Breaker, 10-4…this is Sherrif Jonh…over and out.
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KWGA Trivia Time
Multiple Choice (Because I know half of you wouldn’t pass a written test)
So let’s start with an easy one…
QUESTION #1
WHO SAID THIS?
(a) Oscar Wilde- Playwright/Author/Poet
(b) Connor McGregor- UFC Fighter
(c) Payne Stewart- Pro Golfer
(d) “Bob & Doug” Trainor-Irwin
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Question #2
“Frig, I’m confused. Schools were different when I was teaching.”
(a) The Rocket
(b) The Commissioner
(c) Double-Double
(d) Grampy
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News, Notes & Quotes
“Will somebody please loan me a freaking rain glove? Someone? Bueller…Bueller…Bueller?”-The Commissioner’s frantic request fell on deaf ears and was met with collective silence before teeing off Saturday morning.
*The KWGA would like to wish Barry Bannister-Hennigar a safe and happy trip to Toronto. His annual 9 week pilgrimage to Ontario to see his In-Laws commenced Sunday. That’s either love or insanity. You choose. See you in September Barry!
*A HUGE Thank-you to Mark Gavin (Shannon) & Mike White (Anne) for their food, hospitality and friendship on Saturday as their “Tupperware Party” was all that and more! For those who missed it….Huge half pound burgers with trimmings, sausages, drinks, bonfire, swimming and all the dogs running around anyone could ever want in one cottage lawn. You live in a tiny piece of heaven fellas and I appreciate you letting me see your world.
*Hopefully it will be “Welcome Back Bob Maxwell” this coming Saturday as our buddy Bob Maxwell has been laid up the last few weeks. I hear you have lost 15 lbs buddy? Maybe I need to get on that diarrhea program you have been on!
*Sign-Up boxes for next Saturday’s Tootsies-Miami Cabaret have been posted on the website. Volunteers needed and happily accepted to get tee times.
*SEE YOU NEXT WEEK BOYS! ~The Commissioner
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