THE FOGG LIFTS AGAIN!
No competitor is safe…No Fogg too thick. White carries a big stick in winning the 2015 Cheeseburger Picnic!
The writing is on the wall ladies and gentlemen…this is Mike White’s world…and we are all just visitors. On a perfect day for “scoring golf” The Fogg served notice Saturday afternoon that he can do just that….score. After a scratchy outward nine 44, The Fogg wielded his ax with a par on #10 and a a wedge to 4 feet on #11 that led to a birdie, his second of the day. Pars at #12, #13, #14 and #15 put The Fogg at -1 for the inward nine which meant only disaster could prevent him from his second win in three weeks. After a solid bogey on the tough 16th, White averted said disaster on #17 with a clutch approach to the green from the weeds left of the moguls and the tournament was his. Using a combination of Big Chief Strong Bow cider and muscle relaxers, the 6’5 power forward continued to make strides with his game. “I really could have been better than -5 today. I missed three or four putts from within five feet…but I also got a few breaks too so it all evens out as Grampy likes to say. I am just riding the wave right now. Things are clicking for me. All I have to worry about now is one of my competitors slashing my tires in the parking lot or taking a tire iron to my knee like that whole Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding thing. Wasn’t that ridiculous?”
Commissioner Ford loosens up on the range before Saturday’s Cheeseburger Picnic with his new weapon…the R15.
Saturday also saw Commissioner Ford re-enter the fray armed with his new nuclear weapon, the R15. Ford played his usual Seve Ballesteros style Saturday morning, pounding and scrambling his way from woods and weeds to 5 birdies in what could have been a personal best day. An outward nine 37 included just one par. After birdies at #1 and a wedge to 8 inches on #7, Ford then rolled in an 8 footer for bird at #9 and a 6 footer for another birdie on #10 to get the gallery rollicking. “It was a fun day out there. Our group was rolling them in from everywhere and hitting irons stiff. It almost looked like a video game at one point. I did everything I could out there today so if 5 birdies aren’t good enough to beat The Fogg, I may have to start talking about his daughter in a swim suit the next time we are grouped together. That guy is unbelievable.”
“Jeff, The Legion isn’t the only establishment that has Ladies Nights ya know.” ~Fonda-Thomson
Not to be outdone, The Third Legge continued his strong month of July with yet another Top 3 finish in a round that included two birdies. Carting with The Commissioner’s brother and new sports psychologist/swing coach/bus driver Fonda-Thomson, Third Legge carded birdies at #5 and #11 for a -2 round that vaulted him to 12th in the FEDEX standings. “I think the key for me today was the power cart, some Visine for my pink eye and a renewed confidence.” said Third Legge. “I can’t forget the calming voice of Fonda-Thomson though. He started to sound like Deepak Chopra at one point with his philosophies on life and the benefits of staying single. He made a lot of sense and it freed me up to play confidently knowing that I don’t have to settle for those women at The Canning Legion. There’s a big wide world outside of Canning and he helped me realize that.” Maxwell-Smart and The 4th Reich rounded out the Top 5 that included a 72 gross from Maxwell-Smart (-1) and Irwin at -1 in yet another example of how hockey players and golf can go hand in hand somehow. It does make one wonder if Irwin was able stay on his skates after taking a slap shot though! Great work fellas!
How I Spend My “Off Days”
by “Where’s Waldo”
My 17th visit to Scots Bay this summer. ~Waldo
Many probably wonder what KWGA personality Waldo-Murray does with his time off tour. With a myriad of entertainment options available to him, it is no wonder he is not seen on tour every week. So the staff at KWGA-TMZ decided to take a film crew on the road and follow the only KWGA Tour Pro who has a drink named in his honour.
KWGA-TMZ: “Waldo, rumour has it that your crab and shell collection has reached epic level. It looks like all those afternoon trips to Scots Bay and The Look-Off are really paying off. Any concern that your sea shell collection has dropped you to 16th in FEDEX standing?”
Waldo: “Listen, everyone worries too much about me. Will he make it to the tee? Will he finish 18 holes? Will he remember to plug-in his air mask? I just don’t understand. The only thing people should be worrying about me is my talent. I can spot these guys 20 or 30 points and still make the playoffs. As far as my sea shell collection…I am running out of mantle space for them and the cost of polish has really gone up, so it may actually be cheaper for me to start playing golf again. Plus, Harold may be starting to get a complex because I haven’t made it his Cheeseburger Picnic the last 2 summers. I heard he even has someone at his house who will cut the crusts off my bread now.”
KWGA-TMZ: “Yes, but Waldo, everyone just wants the best for you and to see that 0.8% part of your personality that everyone loves and adores. Any chance we could see that 0.8% this Friday?
Waldo: “The only 0.8% I know about is the alcohol content in a bottle of that old Ten Penny ale. I used to love that stuff. Who cares if you could see things floating around inside the bottle. I wonder if Harold has any of that stuff stashed in his garage? Hmmm.”
KWGA-TMZ- “This is a big tournament for you Friday. Will you prepare any differently? Anything we should know about?”
Waldo: “Fellas, golf is easy. It’s the other stuff that is difficult. I’ve been working on my whistle that’s about it. I want those cart girls to be able to hear me from 4 fairways over…not the current 3.”
What to Watch For- The Valley Ford Fist Fight
Brent “The Weasel” Locke- Can Weasie keep it up? The fish doctor has finished in the Top 3 in all four events he has played in 2015. My money says yes.
The Race for 8th- Only 4 points separates 8th from 11th (8. Elliott 9. Johnson 10. Kelley 11. Irwin) in the FEDEX standings with a red hot Third Legge in 12th just 9.5 points behind. This part of the race is heating up!
“Grampy” Burke- Just how well will Grampy be able to concentrate with 6 and 8 year old grand daughers on his bag Friday? Do they even know how to order beer and ritalin? This could be a tough week.
Is The Fogg for Real?- Currently 2nd in FEDEX standing, The Fogg’s handicap has dropped to 14 after a sizzling July that has seen him rise all the way from 19th just one month ago. Somebody hide the Strong Bow please!
New, Notes & Quotes
After watching The Denim Cowboy Kenny and Darrell Kneivel-Cook yesterday racing on Jet Skis, I was reminded of a series on Showcase TV from a few years ago…Kenny vs Spenny. What else will they compete at…without any training necessary????
–Dick Butkus Award- Former Chicago Bears Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus is roundly considered the toughest S.O.B to ever trot on to an NFL playing surface. This week we had a Dick Butkus-esque performance in the KWGA. Pneumonia, antibiotics nor yesterday’s humidity (yes, I did feel like I was wearing saran wrap panties yesterday) could not keep Double-Double from teeing it up for The Cheeseburger Picnic. To shoot 74 under those circumstances is pretty darn good. Great job buddy!
-Yesterday’s 18 combined birdies were a season high for the KWGA. The skill level has risen it seems!
-Things are getting a bit loose with tournament sign-up lately fellas. I am taking a lot of verbal requests on putting greens and after rounds. I understand that that can’t be avoided at times but i worry I may forget something or someone, and then we have chaos. We need to get back to logging in to the website and responding that way if we could. Thanks.
-A special THANK-YOU to Harold Fisher for opening his cottage penthouse yesterday for the second annual Cheeseburger Picnic. The burgers and salads were unbelievable, boats, Jet Skis, water skiing and dog paddling were all amazing. I even got to do my signature cannonball off the end of the dock several times. The only downside to the event was that Hrold’s twin golden retrievers beat me to what looked like very tasty Nanaimo bars! Thanks again Harold, I look forward to next summer’s event already….PS…How much is rent in your garage apartment again?
See you this Friday for the Valley Ford Fist Fight!
~The Commissioner
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