The KWGA Ryder Cup is only in its second year but it quickly has become both a coveted and contentious prize. Both were in evidence this past week in both its preparation and execution. Each stage of the 2015 Ryder Cup was fought tooth and nail, beginning with the Player Selection on Thursday night.
The Draft- Thursday Oct. 8
FEDEX Cup Champion Wayne “Grampy” Burke, Rod “Where’s Waldo” Murray and Commissioner Derek Ford took the responsibility of captaincy for 2015. Burke, in honor of his FEDEX title, Commissioner Ford for his work behind the scenes and Waldo because, well, because nobody else wanted the job. “Right from the start this was a Gong Show.” said Commissioner Ford. “Trying to organize these two less than technologically savvy men was like being a Head Director at a Bonnie Lea Farm Day Camp. Lack of focus, ability to listen and general adherence to the simplest of directions was a theme that just could not be broken throughout the organizational process. It took us an hour and 29 emails to get the teams picked…but by the Jesus…we got ‘er done. I did need a nap after it was completed. God Bless our social workers.”
The last arguing point was a heated one with the issue being “whether players should know where they were drafted. “Telling someone that they were the last pick could be devastating to one’s golfing ego.” said a furious Coach Waldo-Murray. “The Sheriff must never know he was my last round draft pick. That would further damage our relationship.” So the motion was passed not to divulge any draft information…even though player handicaps have been readily available on the website for the last 25 weeks.”
NWO– Thomson, Simmons, *Woodworth, Fisher
Underdogs– Burke, Newcombe, Carey, Rushton
Tall Course Lites– Murray, Kelley, Bryson, Amirault
*Would withdraw just hours after being picked #1 overall.
Woodworth’s new addition would vie to replace Air Bud on the NWO roster…but would come up just short of filling the bill.
Controversy Brewing- Friday Oct. 9
With all details seemingly in place for Saturday’s tournament, a late withdrawal caused an uproar that would permeate the rest of the 2015 Ryder Cup. “Air Bud” Woodworth was forced to withdraw on Friday due to an ailing new puppy. “I say he should stop eating those new Purina Dog Chow treats he buys for his 4 legged friend and get back to hitting balls.” said a dejected Commissioner. “Not to mention a new beau that is rumoured to be the first caddy on the KWGA Tour…to debut in 2016. I think what we have seen with Air Bud is a simple case of just how powerful pets and “virgina” are on the male psyche. We as men can never seem to turn down a sad puppy face nor a romp in the bed feathers. We wish ‘Air Bud’ all the best but I had a team to manage and we had to move on.” said the Commissioner. “It’s not every day that you have to find someone to play tournament golf on Thanksgiving Weekend with 9 hours notice…but after an exhaustive search and 8 negative replies from possible replacements… we got it done.”
Indeed, a KWGA Amber Alert was issued at 9:42am Friday for someone to fill an opening on the New World Order roster. NWO Assistant Captain Pete Simmons commented at Friday evenings press conference at KenWo’s Club Closing ceremonies. “I told The Commissioner not to worry about a thing. That the situation had been rectified, That we had a 4th team member who would proudly wear the NWO logo on Saturday morning.” And with that, everyone went to bed in preparation for the mornings big match.
The Matches- Saturday Oct. 10
Saturday morning greeted the Ryder Cup teams with the coldest air of the 2015 season. A cool 4 degrees with swirling wind gusts of 55km/hr meant that even returning superstar Arnie Telly-Kelley replaced his Danny Lake Gaspereau River tubing cut-offs with a winter toque and plenty of Kleenex for a case of the sniffles. The only antidote to the conditions seemed to be a 40 oz of “Fireball” that would make the rounds among teams like a silent fart on a crowded bus. It would truly be a day where only the mentally strong…or emotionally detached would survive.
The side story before tee time Saturday was undoubtedly just who the NWO had called in to replace the ailing Air Bud Woodworth. Eventually limping to #1 tee would be the unmistakable gate of “Shooter” MacKay. After a night of playing host and hob-knobbing with the membership, The Shooter rose from the comfort of his warm nest in Wolfville to KenWo’s fabled #1 tee box. The gasps, groans and glares at his arrival meant tensions would be high all day as competitors stared at The NWO in disgust. “They had to call in the nuclear bomb instead of handyman Howie Barkhhouse to fix an ant problem in the kitchen didn’t they?” said a dismissive Where’s Waldo. “It’s not like just last year I had Gerry Elliott captain me to a landslide victory and all the financial rang money that that provides. The Commissioner may just be getting a bit too power hungry these days. As Trailer Park Ricky once said, What comes around is all around. Don’t worry Commissioner…I won’t forget this.”
The Man, The Myth…and now a Ryder Cup Legend…Mr. October Harold Fisher.
With all the attention on The Shooter to start the day, it would be two unlikely heroes who would spear-head the NWO Attack. Mr. October-Fisher, fresh off a disappointing FEDEX playoffs, came out swinging on #2 with a 40 foot bomb for the NWO’s first of 11 birdies on the day. “Facing an uphill putt, through the top-dressing and areation holes, we were resigned to trying to make par. That’s why you putt right there.” said an ecstatic Hyndai Simmons. “You just never know what Fisher is capable of. I mean, he can winterize a house, put a metal dock in at the lake…so putting a golf ball should be easy.”
Then it was Simmons turn at #4. An unlikely 44 foot putt up and over a ridge with 5 feet of break, would trickle into the hole, and the NWO was off and running. Not known for his deft putting stroke, the bomb brought giggles of joy and a chorus of ‘take THAT Waldo’ from the 4 horsemen in the NWO stable. “I love seeing when campers at Bonnie Lea get to go on day trips. The expressions of joy and happiness are unmistakeable. That’s what Pete’s bomb dropping on #4 felt like.” said The Commissioner. “I think we may have even stuttured a little in disbelief.” The Commissioner’s 9 iron to eight feet at #5 and subsequent drained birdie putt meant -3 after just 5 holes…and the NWO’s “ringer” had putted just once during that span. Birdies at #6, #7 and a Simmonds dart to 2 feet on #9 put the competition into the rear view mirror…only disaster could impede the NWO from victory. The Back 9 was a mere victory lap as the NWO would go -5 for the inward half (-11 overall), falling just 1 stroke short of the tournament record of -12 set by Elliott, Murray and Fisher in 2014.
“The Shooter” MacKay tantalizes his Ryder Cup competition with a little game of tap…tap…tap late Saturday morning on the 18th green. I still think Woodworth could do it too.” ~The Commissioner
As the NWO waited to play their 3rd shots from off the 18th green, a confident MacKay calmly bounced his prestine Pro V 30 times off its tiny face, even stopping it on several occasions to the delight of some…but not all. A bitter and seething Murray’s chainsaw soft voice could hold water no more. “Would Scott Woodworth be doing THAT right now?” Ya, you heard me. Do you think Woodworth could bounce a ball 30 times off his clubface like your ringer over there?” MacKay would shrug off the barb and calmly filet a buttery chip shot to 10 inches for par, and the 2015 Ryder Cup was in the bag.
“For me personally, having to sit out the FEDEX Playoffs was agony.” said the Commissioner. “To get 12 guys out here on this kind of weather day says a lot about our membership. We have some guys that love the game and gathering as one. That’s what this is all about after all.”
News, Notes & Quotes
-The Commissioner has donated $10 of his Ryder Cup winnings back into the KWGA Kitty in an effort to grow the league for next season…and soften the ferocity of the NWO’s win on Saturday.
-Speaking of the KWGA Kitty. We have a $204.86 balance. It is still here at the house and I haven’t bought any Christmas gifts with it in case you are wondering. If we have enough interest in a post-season banquet, I may use some of the money for some “awards” etc if that is passable with the majority? I will await to hear from the group. Otherwise, we will save it for next year’s tour.
-I will post a poll on the website this week to see how much interest there is in gathering in November for a KWGA Closing banquet at West Side Charlies in New Minas. I am thinking a Friday or Saturday evening would be best? The thinking here is that the “city dwellers” would be more likely to be able to attend on a Friday or Saturday night.
-Thanks again to those who came out and played Saturday. It was a very fun day with a gathering full of laughs at the bar following the round!
***IMPORTANT***…Fellas, please check in on the website from time to time over the next 6 months for articles (funny) and information regarding the 2016 KWGA season. I want to keep you informed and will undoubtedly need your input/response to several league initiatives. That way I won’t have to send 100 emails. Thanks boys!
Peace & Love….
Your Commissioner (2013-Present)
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