Saturday the KWGA paid homage to one of the Valley’s best and most historic entertainment spots, Legends Lounge, a night club that spanned the varied ages that encompass our great league. If those Legends walls could talk, I dare say there would be a stampede to Kentville’s Law Court’s not seen since Hortonville’s nine “Barry Boys” brothers infamous brawl in Wolfville at a Jr. B Jets playoff game in 1981 that caused a back log in the court system for months. Saturday’s tussle at The Legends Classic was a brass knuckle fight between three men who know how to lay a smackdown. Gary “The Biggest” Johnson found lightning in a bottle once again as his quick start to the 2016 season continued with a startling net 67. Not to be outdone, Commissioner Ford, fresh off his 6 hour lesson with Gerry “OB1 Kanobe” Elliott, manufactured his best ball-striking round of 72 gross that included birdies at #2 and #15, good for a matching 67 net. “I hate sharing things, especially KWGA titles.” said a downcast Johnson. “You should have seen my act in a sand box growing up. There wasn’t a kid in my neighborhood that didn’t end up with a scratched cornea after an afternoon of “Underwear Tonka Toying” with me…I don’t know how many times my mother had to scold me for it.”
Rounding out the Top 3 was a man who perhaps cut the pink ribbon on Legends’ doors many moons ago, Nick Wasczczuk-Carey, who held a three stroke advantage heading into the final 5 holes, but a +6 “Valley” doused spermicide on his procreation party. “It’s not often that Nick Ole Boy shoots blanks but he really let Gary and I back in this tournament over the last few holes.” said an elated Commissioner. “I think the old bull still has lots of sweat and grunt left in his game, but the money shot eluded him today. He did leave the course happy though after winning 2 rangs. I’d never heard a millionaire whine so much about never winning a rang…and low and behold he wins two in one day.”
John “The Sheriff” Amirault finds solace in yet another “Slap it Around” Saturday by finding one of many puddles that dotted the grounds at the Legends Lounge Classic.
The Legends Classic saw rain and slow greens control the day and those who adjusted to the deteriorating conditions the quickest vaulted to the top of the leaderboard. One such surprise was KWGA rookie Trevor “Hacksaw” Schofied, who came out of nowhere Saturday to post an impressive 70 net after two not-so-special rounds to start his KWGA career. Hacksaw leaned on an impressive run of pars starting on #10 that ran through #15 where he blasted a 4 iron through the wind and rain to 10 feet. The shot was so impressive under the circumstances that his group even began to call him “Rain Man”. “One thing I know about Trevor, he will battle through tough mental situations.” Said a proud Commissioner. “They just don’t make them like him anymore. The guy is a mind freak. If you have the fortitude to have been a golf partner with Rod then you have proved your worth.”
Putt-Putt Golf…Or Just KK?
Mr. Wildcat Poirier had so many choices Saturday morning that he needed help selecting just which putter to use each hole.
In no doubt a KWGA first, Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier found it necessary to carry not one, but yes, two putters in his bag Saturday morning. The Halifax jet setter just couldn’t seem to make up his mind prior to teeing off and decided that two putters would be just the ticket to a win. “I have been putting so badly lately that I snooped in my dad’s garage the other day and took back the hickory stick that I gave him for his birthday a few years ago. For this part, The Commissioner was less than thrilled with Poirier’s antics. “To take back a present is one thing, but to sneak in his garage and take it without his knowledge is disgusting. I think he reached an all-time low. To take away a man’s cane like that is just unforgivable. This isn’t mini or “putt-putt” golf out here.”
The Walking Wounded…KWGA Style
Another ignominious record was broken on tour this week as 3 golfers were scheduled for surgery, two actually went through with it while another was scheduled for pre-op after jamming a rusty nail into his foot. The local medical authorities were forced to call for back-up after a flurry of activity forced their hand. After being interviewed by KWGA-TV, one Fundamental Health Administrator, who asked not to be identified, had a quick explanation for the recent rash of injuries on tour. “Listen, yes, these guys are having some middle-aged concerns, but it’s not what you think. They can say they have an eye or foot injury all they want but what’s really happening is that these guys prescriptions for penicillin and PED’s had run out. I can’t believe the lengths these men will go to in order to be at peak performance.” said the disgusted adminstrator.
For his part, The Commissioner’s concerns centred on the escalating costs of health premiums on tour. “Laser eye surgery, metal plates and tetanus shots aren’t cheap.” said a furious Commissioner Ford. “FFS boys, we may have to cancel the ribs and beer to pay for all these medical bills…or increase KWGA dues to $100!”
KWGA standout Bob “Beagle” Maxwell just couldn’t bare to see his helpless dog spend a night outside under his deck. “I’d jump in front of a truck for little Bitsy, so going under my deck and driving a rusty spike into my foot was a small price to pay as I see it.” ~Beagle Maxwell
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News, Notes & Quotes
-“Sure it’s possible someone could miss the bright orange highlighted box for scoring Hole 8B, or even the bold blue inked 8B written above the empty box. I was wondering why I didn’t have room to calculate the OUTWARD 9 score…Let alone the TOTAL NET SCORE. Nobody in my group wanted to win the $16 net prize today anyway. OMG, look, did you see that? Look at that fruit fly land. Isn’t that amazing?!” ~Anonymous
-Next week the Munich Oktoberfest Open means the return of Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin. The sign-up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. THE DEADLINE TO SIGN UP FOR BOTH IS MONDAY NIGHT @9PM. We look forward to having you back Doug!
-“I own this tournament.” ~Commissioner Ford. The Commissioner belowed this decree after being asked about his chances in next week’s Munich Oktobefest Open. “Doug can claim ownership of this tournament all he wants but I have tied for first (2014) and won it outright (2015) and I plan on defending it next week.”
–Saturday May 28 we will be playing the 3rd annual Avon Lea Open at Avon Valley GC. There will be a BBQ at Wayne Burke’s following the round of golf. Gerry is working his magic and will attempt to get us preferred tee times but that means we will need to know if you plan to play WELL IN ADVANCE…and backing out would not be a good thing. So please, get in touch with me ASAP about playing. Also, you do not HAVE to play golf to come to Wayne’s BBQ. In fact, we are looking to make this a HUGE Backyard Bash that any self-respecting Windsorite would appreciate!
-Sorry about no report last week boys. It WAS Mother’s Day last Sunday after all…and that’s my writing day.
~The Commissioner
“Do I HAVE to golf today Hunny? I could get wet or something…and it’s so fun inside. Look at this slide and ladder! Whoopie!” ~Waldo
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