Not many know the life golf story of Nick Waszczuk-Carey…and neither do I, but the career “angler” is writing his own story on tour in 2015. Known more for his ability to hook fish and sell icebergs to the Northern British Columbia Eskimos, Waszczuk-Carey hung on Saturday morning at the Legends Classic, winning his second event in 2015 by one stroke over a fast-charging Sheriff in a photo finish… that thank God featured clothing. The duo battled all day long in the sweltering humidity that featured nary a birdie between the two, but a string of par and bogey golf that melts opponents into submission. After a solid Front Nine 42, Waszczuk-Carey held a 3 shot lead over the baton-wielding neanderthal Sheriff John and only needed to avert disaster to claim his second career victory. His 4 over par finish on #16, #17 and #18 was just good enough to hold off a Back NIne 38 from The Sheriff who reclaimed top spot in the race for the FEDEX Playoffs. “It feels extremely good to win.” said an exhausted and wet Waszczuk-Carey. “Winning on tour feels almost as good as raking in millions from my hunting and fishing lodges dotted around the continent. I know my swing doesn’t look tour quality but my philosophy hasn’t changed since I was a randy and ripe 16 years old…It’s all about getting it in the hole.”
For The Sheriff, Saturday was more evidence of just how difficult it will be to beat the loose belted wonder boy in the upcoming FEDEX playoffs. The Sheriff rang up 8 straight pars starting at #8 and just needed a par on one of the final 3 holes to share the title. However, only a case of the shakes got in the way and he was forced to settle for second. “It’s a golf epiphany of epic proportions.” said The Commissioner from the comfort of his psychologist’s sofa. “I can’t think of a more Cinderella story. I know he says he played some ‘ball’ back in the day but I am struggling to envision a lot of athletic success in his background. My doctor tells me not to wish bad things on others or think negative about someone else, but this is getting ridiculous. John leading the FEDEX Race? It’s just too much for me to take. I mean, what if he wins it all? We can’t have ‘moon dances’ at the post-season banquet.”
Continuing his solid play this season, Harold “Mr. October” Fisher fired an Even Par 86 to solidify his claim that the post-season is soon upon us. The Aylesford resident couldn’t overcome two double bogeys on the day and settled for a solid Top 3. Rumour has it Mr. October’s blood sugar was low from a lack of energy drinks being served on the course…and his 2 golden retrievers had eaten all of his pre-packed Nanaimo Bars. “Things like that can’t happen. I need to keep those things on higher ground. I have a staff at home that is responsible for things like that.” said a disappointed Mr. October. “There will be an extensive evaluation of all systems once I get back home.” The Top 3 finish pushed him from 8th to 6th in the FEDEX Standings and a solid finish at next week’s Canadian Open will lock down his spot in the playoffs.
The Commissioner takes a moment on the 15th tee Saturday to say his final goodbye to a dear old friend.
Punctuating the day was a meltdown of epic proportions and one that has forced The Commissioner into hiding. Only minutes after The Biggest Johnson’s 10 at the par 5 17th hole stood The Commissioner on that same tee. After a week of turmoil and teasing, the embattled Commissioner looked to redeem himself with a spectacular finish. However, the lucky Commissioner once again managed to lose a ball on a harmless drive that trickled into the left woods. Forced to drive back to the tee after an unsuccessful search, The Commissioner found the left woods once again…and what followed looked like golf’s version of ping-pong. “I just kept finding roots and stumps the size of The Sheriff’s arse in there.” said a dejected Commissioner. “These kinds of things can’t happen. If you think my ego is bruised, you should see the bottom of my 9 iron. It took more punishment than my missing sand wedge. At least my wedge is resting comfortably. My 9 iron must be shaking in its boots because it knows I will be hitting it again. A tough week but one has to take the good with the bad…and sometimes ugly. Taking a 12 isn’t the end of the world.”
Who’s Hot? Who’s Not?
HOT
The Shark- Don’t look now…but your favorite swimming hole just got a lot more dangerous. Gavin’s last three events have resulted in a Win, T3 and a T4 at yesterday’s Legends Classic that has seen him jump from 17th to 9th in the FEDEX standings. The major champion no longer can be known solely for his weekend ensembles.
The Sheriff- A win, a runner-up and a T6 in the last 3 events have locked the baton boy in the playoffs with no end in sight to his fantastic play. If only the boys at the old precinct and Yarmouth dockyard could see him now!
Air Bud- Hi last 3 events feature two runner-ups and a T4 and with his driver finding the fairway with scary consistency, there could be no stopping this season’s shoo-in for rookie of the year.
NOT
The Fogg- After winning two events in the span of 3 weeks, The Fogg has finished 18th, 11th, 12th and 14th in 4 of his last 5 events. Some are suggesting a return to the lower violence approach while others think that surgery is the best recourse.
The Commissioner- His last 4 events have featured a DQ, 11th and 15th place finish after a torrid start to the season. Factor in just 13 clubs in the bag…and you have a recipe for potential disaster.
The Biggest Johnson- Hantsport’s favorite dangler has faltered after reaching as high as 9th in the FEDEX standings just a month ago. A 14th, 8th, 10th and an 8th place finish at Saturday’s Legends Classic has some wondering if he has been spending too many Friday nights with Fred.
Doing The “Funky Chicken”
As most of you may know, Saturday’s Legends Classic was in honour of Legends Lounge in Coldbrook, NS. It was famous for its staff’s nightly entertainment segment, The Funky Chicken dance. The place oozes with memories so I figured I would share one with you.
One night I met a famous person at Legends. Kelly Hrudey was in town for Acadia’s Sports Banquet and decided to take a look at the local scenery with his buddy Scott Oake who had also made the trip. So I found my moment and sidled up to Kelly. I wanted to talk to him about how his LA Kings had stolen victory from my beloved Maple Leafs in Conference Finals in 1994. You know the series, when Wayne Gretzky high-sticked Doug Gilmour in the face in Game #7…AND DIDN’T GET A FREAKIN’ PENALTY…then went down the ice and scored the series clinching goal!
So after some small talk I finally got the courage to ask him (even though I towered over him and outweighed him by 200 lbs at the time), “Kelly, that series in ’94…did you guys get away with one or what? That was such bullshit. You really didn’t deserve to win that series. You know Kelly, I have been pissed off about it for 20 years. It’s hard for me to even watch you on Hockey Night in Canada broadcasts because of it. That was a penalty wasn’t it?”
Kelly looked at me awkwardly and could only muster…”I didn’t see it. I was concentrating on my job at the time. But you know what? They all even out.” ~Hrudey
News, Notes & Quotes
~Good luck to Burkie in this week’s KenWo Senior Men’s Club Championship! You have the game and putter to compete with KenWo’s best…Go get ’em buddy and do the KWGA proud!
PS…If you need a caddy…I can’t do it.
~Brent Locke may have eclipsed our beloved Sheriff with his SUBWAY quip on #1 tee centering around spokesman Jared Fogle. “Brent’s barb was as sharp and penetrating as a prostate exam.” said The Commissioner. “I am not sure I will ever be able to add mayonnaise to my sub sandwich ever again.”
~Next Saturday is the season’s final major, The KWGA Canadian Open. With points being doubled, things can change in the standings dramatically. There MUST be a winner like in any major tournament, so please, make sure you can stay a few moments later in case YOU are in a PLAYOFF! The deadline to sign up is Monday night at 9pm. Looking forward to seeing everyone then!
~The Commissioner
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