“TRAINOR” WHEELS A LA CART!
BIP HANGS ON FOR FIRST CAREER WIN…IN ANYTHING
Somebody once tried to convince me that the world was flat…and Saturday someone could have tried to convince me that a golfer could finish 8-11-5 and win a golf tournament and I would have told them both to jump off a cliff. However, that’s exactly what happened Saturday at the KWGA’s opening event as Wolfville’s own “BIPPY T” managed to hang on to the last of the shrapnel to capture his first KWGA title and the Flower Cart Classic with a Net 65. It was good for a two stroke victory over Mr. October and Myrtle Beach’s Grampy on a surprisingly sunny and semi-warm day. “I know what you are all thinking.” said a relieved BIP. “What went on out there today was akin to watching an eight billed platypus caught on camera for the first time. Strange yet entertaining. My golf game is a lot like my blocking during my Acadia football days, all grit and not much technique, but who cares right? I got the job done.”
The highlight reel started early for BIP as his 7 iron tracked thinly yet gracefully directly at the flag stick at #2, finally settling a foot from the hole. The birdie would give him the largest lead in KWGA history, 11 strokes after just two holes. The outward nine would be completed in 41 gross strokes and all that was left to see was if BIP could avoid calamity. “I tallied the scores after the front nine and realized I was in a bit of a pickle.” said The Commissioner. “BIP and I both had 41 on the front, that meant I was 22 strokes off the lead with 9 holes left. At that point I was just watching greatness at work.” The inward nine would start with a clang for BIP with a double bogey 6…and then IT started to happen in earnest. “I started to feel a cramp in my left buttock, a sharp pain in my right knee and both plates of meat were barking like two week old donair sauce.” said BIP. “I would have been totally lost at sea on the Back 9 if it weren’t for my double stuffed tube of Penetrex creams and lotions. I slathered that on liberally and although it made me look like a greased bovine, it was an emergency situation.” said BIP.
The 16th hole saw BIP begin to aid Rick Phelan and his crew with branch removal as time and again his Titleist would shatter twig and branch, mercifully ending in a quadruple bogey 8. The 17th would rival and tie Grampy’s now infamous 11 at St. Andrews Road Hole. Right and left, up and down the embankments he would lolly on a hole that would in the end take 27 minutes to play. With failed resignation on his face, BIP would head to the 18th figuring, along with his playing partners, that he had blown it. However, BIP would dig deep, managing his way around the treacherous pond guarding the 18th green for a solid bogey 5, and all that was left was the 70 yard uphill trudge to the clubhouse to see where he finally stood. “I am no math major, I just knew this was my 13th career tournament and I am a superstitious person.” said BIP. “I figured October, Grampy or some other sniper would have me beat. It was a great relief to find out I held on. Maybe next time I can do a bit better than 24 strokes on the final 3 holes. At least I did better than Biggest Johnson’s record 13 strokes on one hole. THAT`s a record that he solely deserves.”
OFF PROBATION!
“I just hope to avoid becoming a Recidivist Statistic” -Air Bud
“I did it Snuggle Buns! I did it!
Another quiet competition of sorts was also happening on the course Saturday morning. After being fined and put on scorecard probation 2 seasons ago for multiple scorecard violations, Air Bud kept a clean card at the Flower Cart Classic. After further investigation it was learned that he had taken home a stack of scorecards from KenWo’s front desk to practice over the long Nova Scotia winter. He kept all his numbers within the allotted squares, they were neat and clean, he tallied up the correct gross and net scores and even signed it with his pooches paw print for style. “Air Bud has taken a lot of heat over the last few seasons.” said The Commissioner. “For such a nice guy he really has a penchant for destruction. From ram-rodding propellers to doing bad golf math, the guy truly does have the capacity to re-sink the Titanic. GREAT JOB SATURDAY BUD!
NOTE: Air Bud’s still hasn’t passed the “birdie circle” test as no one in his group had a birdie on Saturday!
WHAT? NO RUNNING WATER?
In a scene reminiscent of Friday the 13th early Saturday morning, your Commissioner was leaning on a “KenWo constant”. You know the one, the 7th tee washroom. The building reminds me of those highway rest stops along America’s road system that I used to travel so much. Although KenWo’s rest stop doesn’t have a Burger King attached, it still serves as mental refuge of sorts, a safety net when things get dicey with digestion. So it was early Saturday morning as I quickened my pace to complete the 6th hole, a hole that was aided by a “drained” 12 footer for bogey. I bounded up the hill, placed my hand on the door handle, only to be rebuffed by its closure like pretty Mary did at my first middle school dance. The result you ask? Almost the same as that middle school dance…a full diaper and going 4 over par on the next 2 holes!
I don’t write this to make any of your sick to your stomach. To the contrary, I do this to help. THE BATHROOMS ARE NOT UP AND RUNNING YET…SO IF YOU EVEN THINK YOU MAY HAVE TO GO WHILST PUTTING AND CHIPPING BEFORE YOUR ROUND…..GO!
News, Notes & Quotes
*”Honest, I hurt it just standing up at a Home Show.” -The Sheriff Word out of Kentville is that former cop Sheriff Low Blow has injured his shoulder…by standing under a cold air vent at a show at Centennial Arena. Word also has it that he is booked the next two Saturdays for more Home Shows, so the time off golf…and warmer air should have him ready for Legends Lounge Memorial on May 12. Hurry back John Boy, I have something for you that will change your life!
*Saturday saw the KWGA’s most expensive rang in its 5 year history…and who would have guessed it would be Grampy? That’s right, on a day that saw 7 birdies, 6 were cut off, leaving only Grampy’s lone birdie at the Par 3 11th hole…a rang worth $80. Great job buddy…proving that being lucky is most times better than being good on Saturday mornings!
*”Boys, we need a few extra tee time volunteers this week and moving forward. Having extra lets me digest my food properly…and in the end have a lot less flatulence on the golf course”. ~The Commissioner
*BIP’s fine round Saturday saw him take the early lead in the “Chase for the Pearl Necklace” with 3 points. You can check your progress weekly on your Profile page under MEMBERS-YOUR NAME. You can also see the Standings under STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE.
*See you next Saturday at the Captain Crazy Invitational!
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