The KenWo Grounds Crew has readied its greens for Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic.
No season in the history of the KWGA has been as highly anticipated as the one upon us Saturday morning. After a long winter of shoveling, ice scraping, mental fatigue and breakdowns, the roster has convened once again at venerable KenWo GC for Saturday’s KWGA opener…The Flower Cart Classic. Last season, Gerry “Double-Double” Elliott blitzed the field with round of 71, good for a 5 shot victory over Grampy Burke. Both combatants are back again this week along with 18 others with high hopes to start the season.
“It’s been a long wait, but now I can start defending some of these titles.” said Double Double after a leisurely practice round with his mare Friday afternoon. “Net scoring or not, I still have game, a mental edge and a golf simulator that withstood some of the most hellacious swings from KWGA members all winter. 2015 will be like going back in time for me. They can tie my arms behind my back with this net scoring thing but they can’t take away my heart of a champion. That there is priceless.”
Telly-Kelley showing the scars of a long off-season…and a more than ready demeanor for the 2015 opener.
So what can we expect tomorrow morning? Without doubt a lot of swings at the plate, moans of displeasure/disbelief and the sound of ball on blade. As Telly-Kelley put it, “I have been waiting for this for 7 months. My neighbours probably think a moose is in rut with the guttural noises that have been emanating from my apartment the last week or so. I’ve worn all the felt off my antlers already and it’s not even mid-May yet.” Many have pointed to Kelley as a possible dark-horse Saturday morning after squeezing in practice rounds on Thursday and Friday. “Preparation is the key.” said Telly-Kelley. “Clubs…check…spikes…check…short shorts…double check.”
Adding intrigue to the proceedings Saturday will be KWGA rookies “Air Bud” Woodworth and Kevin “KKK” Poirier. Fresh off a second place finish in the 2014 Ryder Cup and third place ribbon at the 4H Dog Show with his prized Golden Retriever, Woodworth will be in charge of all on-course animal droppings that will no doubt litter the course. “I can’t control rookie treatment. It is something everyone goes through.” said Air Bud. “Call it hazing or whatever you want, I know who I am and I certainly know I am not the worst speller in this league. They won’t break me down, no matter what.”
KKK Poirier spotted on the 14th fairway Friday. “They can take away my walk and talk…but they can’t take away my pride.” ~KKK Poirier
For Poirier, his admittance into the KWGA didn’t come without some stern warnings from the Commissioner’s Office. “They told me I can’t wear any swastikas on my clothing, shave my head or get any tattoos on my face.” said KKK. “He also told me to make sure I didn’t accidently break into a Goose Step walking the fairways. That will be a hard habit to break…but I am willing to try.” KKK was asked about his natural rivalry with another wannabe German, Doug Irwin. “I have heard about Irwin. He gets away with swearing in 3 languages and I can’t even goose step. It doesn’t seem fair, but who said life was fair anyway?I saw him running in Wolfville the other day with his knee-high socks and Euro-sexual sweat top…what a joke. That stuff doesn’t scare me or intimidate me. He can yell at me all he wants. He can’t bench me like I am one of his goaltenders or anything. I’m ready!”
Waldo-Murray makes good on his promise to try harder and pay more attention in 2015.
KWGA veteran Where’s Waldo-Murray made news this week, becoming the first member to publicly admit he is computer-tarded. After 7 months of training, Waldo-Murray just couldn’t seem to find his tee time on the KWGA’s media hub. “This is not unexpected. Drama teachers usually don’t have a full grasp of the concrete. They deal in more of a whimsical world of fantasy vs reality.” said Commissioner Ford. “They made me go to rehab for MY maladies, I say a week computer course at The Flower Cart is in order for this transgression. If he doesn’t pass that, then we will have to look at getting him an Educational Assistant full time.”
“What to Watch” for at The Cart Classic
1. Just what will 3 Time KWGA Fashion Champion Mark “Panty Shark” Gavin pull out of his tickle-trunk this week? Pastels? Gucci? Twins?
2. Can Gary “Big” Johnson get through the 18th hole in under 10 strokes?
3. Just how big will Nick Carey’s latest fish story grow to?
4. Has a year’s absence from visiting Yarmouth curbed The Sheriff’s ribald sense of self?
5. Will Grampy Burke wear one of his signature Ralph Furley vests, accessorized with an engagement ring?
Flower Cart Classic Favorites
Harold Fisher (3-1) A winter golfing in the warmth of Florida and a home builders tax refund will no doubt have Mr. October in a good mood and primed to play well.
Nick Levy (4-1) It’s been almost a full calendar year since Levy has played a KWGA event. His return is almost as anticpated as Tiger Woods at The Masters. His 13 strokes will give him more wiggle room than a pair of the Commissioner’s underwear.
Barry Hennigar (5-1) Fresh off a recent Florida trip and several practice rounds, buoyed with 8 strokes, Hennigar could take Saturday’s tournament by storm. However, having no league boyfriend in his group could be damaging.
Commissioner Requests
*Please drop by the practice putting green before your round. The Commissioner would like to get some profile photos and quotes heading into the event. Cheers lads.
*I will be collecting league dues ($20) Saturday if you would like to pay then. I just would like to start paying for trophies and other league initiatives ASAP. Thanks.
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING….FIRED UP!
~The Commissioner
The Gavin Twins (KWGA Entertainment Enterprises Inc.)
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