The 2016 KWGA Season has finally arrived after a winter dreaming of tree lined fairways, hazards and hooks…but for some, distant southern skies, winter golf and lunch with strippers was reality. The question is, just who will that favour in the season-opening Flower Cart Classic? Here are the odds for this week’s tournament based on statistical analysis, past history….and some good old fashioned gut instinct.
Grampy Burke (3-1)- After winning the FEDEX Cup championship in 2015, Grampy worked diligently on refining and breaking down his swing over the winter while in Myrtle Beach, SC. Word has it that he even offered to sleep at/with the local golf pro at The Legends CC just to get those extra swings in. The work seems to have paid off as Grampy looked impressive 12 days ago at Paragon, firing a sub-80 round. However, Saturday he will have to stare into the eyes of the man he beat in the final last season, Mr. Wildcat KK Poirier. “I’m not scared of guys who wear a suit all day. Yes, I am the defending champion but I am hungry also. I need tournament winnings to help pay for some clubs I bought for my girlfriend/fiance’/wife. I knew I should not have let her use my Cobra driver!”
Hyundai Simmons (3-1)- Selling cars is second nature to Simmons. Being a hustler has also translated to the KWGA Tour where he has won a tournament and tied for 1st two times in his three career KWGA starts, so don’t let the fancy, bold clothes fool ya. Underneath that sexy veneer is a Kobe Bryant like competitor who loves to fill his pockets with dead fishy’s money. If he can get his irons off the ground Saturday, we may be looking at yet another “Miracle on Grass”. The KWGA’s biggest threat to Mark The Shark Gavin’s Sexy Pants of the Year in 2016.
Weasie Locke (7-2)- Just what Weasie does over the long Nova Scotia winters is anyone’s guess. What we know for sure is that it doesn’t include hitting golf balls. However, make no mistake, Weasie has taken to low net competition like a transgender to unisex washrooms…and Saturday should be no different. Weasie came out of the blocks fast last season, finishing Top 3 in his first three tournaments while being under par in all 3 of them. Now that the shotguns and ammo have been put away, can he put away a 4 footer for another win on tour?
The Hunchback Newcombe (4-1)- Nobody cried wolf quite like The Hunchback during the 2015 season and 2016 off-season. The Falmouth Faker has leaned on”half-hearted” excuses far too long and no one is buying them anymore. There is no question he will be well rested and chomping at the bit come Saturday, and armed with a 9 handicap will have plenty of wiggle room to get the job done. Rumour has it that he will be grouped with Commissioner Ford come Saturday. “Nothing is cast in stone but I think it’s important that Kevin be monitored closely. Who knows what he will try and get away with.” ~Com. Ford
Mr. October-Fisher (5-1)- A recent study by Men’s Health Magazine discovered that men who have lunch with “un-dressers” are 99% more successful in their daily lives and 100% more successful in their professional/sports life. It doesn’t matter that Tiger Woods was the case study, Fisher presents a lot of problems for players competing against him. (a) He’s played golf all winter (b) He has zero golf anxiety and (c) His buddy Nick won’t be there Saturday to take his mind off golf. It all adds up to a solid performance Saturday….maybe even a winner.
Inspector Gadget Rushton (11-2)- This season, Rushton officially enters the fray after a probationary season in 2015. After passing all tests, and plenty of gas, the only rookie on tour in 2016 will be looking to step out of Harold and Nick’s shadow for the first time in his life. Known more for his technological knowledge, Rushton will be looking to take advantage of less than ideal course conditions and his opponents lack of conditioning to get a quick jump in the FEDEX Standings. “I know I am an unknown and no one expects anything from me, I am just trying to make Harold and Nick proud this season.” ~Rushton
Mr. Wildcat Poirier (6-1)- Nobody has the green light from home quite like Poirier. Rumour has it that his wife is filming “Housewives of Halifax” and wants him out of camera range every Saturday. Whatever the truth is, no one will be hungrier than Poirier in 2016. After his Greg Norman collapse in the FEDEX Cup Finals, Poirier has vowed to get out of the blocks much faster this season. “I can’t change the past. That would be like me trying to go back to my own High School Prom at KCA in 1986…and not Horton High School’s event in 1988. I’ve learned so much from last season. I don’t feel like being the bug on the windshield this season…and no more white sheets with 2 eye holes…Never again.” ~KK
Double Double Elliott (7-1)- I’ve personally seen the worn out circle on his golf simulator screen. It’s an intimidating sight. Nobody has traveled more miles or hit more golf balls over the winter than The Bog Road Bomber so we can expect plenty of solid shots from him on Saturday. Florida, Vegas and The Caribean have all been witness to Nova Scotia’s answer to Gordie Smith. The only question Saturday will be, will the rough course conditions hinder his scoring ability? The upside for Elliott, win or lose Saturday, is that his wife can blow some glass and make him a trophy if need be.
Telley-Kelley (8-1)- The much anticipated return of Telley-Kelley commences Saturday and not a moment too soon. After an Ilie Nastase finish to 2015, Kelley is primed with new wedges, new attitude and a shaved down putter that could have people talking about him in the same breath as Bernhard Langer’s recent PGA Masters run. Kelley prefers to be under the radar and that’s just what he will be on Saturday. A solid ball-striking exhibition at Paragon 2 weeks ago has also served him well…and just wait until you see him stop the ball on a dime with his new wedges…scary.
Denim Cowboy Kenny (9-1)- So what if, inside his body, it feels like a bag of hammers and nails. Being tough comes naturally to farmers after all. Kenny struggled after turning pro in 2015 but had neighbour Darrell Cook put him on a strict program of red meat, beer and supplements to get him ready for 2016. Pay no attention that he can’t compress a golf ball, instead, pay attention to how he can maneuver his way around a golf course like Cam Porter in his apple trees. It really should be on the National Geographic Channel.
Commissioner Ford (10-1)- The Commissioner, saddened by the recent passing of his namesake, Rob Ford, briefly considered retiring his namesake in 2016. The pain of his loss has been immeasurable and akin to listening to Rod’s layrnxy uninterrupted for 60 minutes. However, after consulting with friends, KWGA members and drug dealers in the greater metropolitan Toronto area, The Commissioner has decided to dedicate the 2016 season to Mr. Ford. “This won’t be easy Saturday. Ford grew on me and I just can’t shake his influence. I have set up a RANG foundation this season. One dollar for every birdie this season will go straight to my “Return to Tootsies Cabaret-Miami” Fund. It’s just been too long.” ~Ford
Where’s Waldo? Murray (11-1)- An off-season attempt at training in Florida and South Carolina over the winter came up snake-eyes for Waldo-Murray in what can only be called a golfing tragedy. Waldo is seemingly the only KWGA member who could enter a brothel…and be asked to come back tomorrow. Dealing with success is a learned behavior and Murray will start that process at Saturday’s aptly named Flower Cart Classic. Recent trends say that Waldo is a slow starter as last season it took him 4 tournaments before he cracked the Top 3. Has he put the work in over the winter? We’ll see on Saturday.
Air Bud Woodowrth (12-1)- Air Bud’s start last season was less than stellar. He failed to crack the Top 10 in his first 5 tournaments. Getting a semen sample from a rabid Doberman Pincer would have been more likely. However, Air Bud has that innate ability to lull one to sleep with his game…and then pounce like that rabid Doberman. His game to start the year is a mystery and has made Vegas Odds-makers shy away from him this week. Rumour has it that Air Bud has stopped all prescriptions and focused more on actual practice. Let’s see if it works.
Captain Shitacular-Levy (13-1)- Never in the history of the KWGA has a player won The Masters and had The Shanks in the same season. His “shitacular” 2015 season was a combination of extreme highs and lows that always had the gallery lining the fairways wearing metal mesh. However, Levy is just as capable to hit a metal flagstick and that’s what makes predicting his performance as difficult as babysitting his children. We may only see him 4 times a season…but it’s always worth watching.
Maxwell-Smart (14-1)- Now I know what you are thinking, how can a 3 handicap be a 14-1 underdog. Maxwell-Smart will be asked to shoot a sub-70 round on a golf course manicured like The Killing Fields in Cambodia…and that will be tough to do. Of course the North Mountain kinda resembles Cambodia, so who knows? Maxwell also looked impressive at Paragon 2 weeks ago and nobody knows how to quiet a crowd quite like Maxwell…maybe he has a show-stopping performance in his bag Saturday.
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