KWGA members “Hunchback” and “Grampy” model the Life Cycle Mating habits of the dreaded Japanese Beetle.
How to kill a Japanese Beetle/raccoon/crow/skunk: As all KWGA members are aware, our course came under siege last fall unlike anything seen since the dreaded gopher in Caddyshack. An infestation of the Japanese beetle threatened our prized fairways like a Golar at a family reunion. This month, “Scoop” McCracken takes an in-depth look at the problem and some possible solutions in a KWGA exclusive interview. Scoop has decades of experience in the field of extermination and has been credited with the eradication of several golf course pests, including Jimmy “The Clear Cut Pruner” Browner, “Frank Magazine” Rhinoceros and Matias “Hemorrhoid” Collinsworth.
KWGA Magazine caught up with Scoop at his winter cabin on the South Mountain.
Ford: First, Scoop, it’s great to see you again. You look different. Have you shaved your back or something?
Scoop: Listen, the only back that got shaved this winter is your wife’s, so can we just get to the topic at hand please?
Ford: No problem buddy. We all know what happened to our great course in the fall. It looked like a bomb went off on some of our fairways and we all learned more about a stupid green beetle in the last 7 months then we all care to know. Have you ever seen anything like this before?
Scoop: Listen, when you spend as much time with a group of inbreds like the KWGA, you know better than to ask me that. This beetle isn’t the end of the world. It’s nothing Viet Nam Napalm and overnight vigils with shotguns can’t fix. Plus, the KWGA has plenty of marksmen to take care of all those critters that come out of the woods at night to prey on the weakened sod. I think it would be a great opportunity for a hunter like Weezie Locke to finally shoot a good score at KenWo. Give him a chance to raise his confidence. He has to have better aim with a shotgun in the dark…as opposed to say, a 6 iron. Just pay him in whiskey, beer and rye and I bet he would have a bag full of crows, skunks and raccoons by sun-up. Then we would be able to concentrate on that darned beetle.
“Locke-d & Loaded”…Brent and Maxwell prepare for their spring overnight shotgun vigil in an effort to protect KenWo’s fairways.
Ford: Do you think the Board of Directors would approve of such a plan of action Scoop? It sounds a bit drastic.
Scoop: Heck, don’t we have like 3 board members in the KWGA? Surely they could all just mysteriously go away for a few days while we set up a few blinds lining the fairways. It’s not like the Board wouldn’t all jump at a road trip and some free Timbits right? Desperate times call for desperate measures Commissioner. I say spray and blast the dirty pricks, gather up the dead carcases and send them to the New Minas Trailer Park. Maybe they can have a fundraiser BBQ with all that meat. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness then permission sometimes Commissioner.
Ford: Sounds like a great plan Scoop. What else have you been up to this off-season? This winter sure has been a rough one. Do you see any chance that we could actually have an early spring in 2015?
Scoop: Early spring? Here? In Nova Scotia? Commissioner, that’s about as likely as me taking over for Bev Greenlaw and the Acadia women’s basketball program. They don’t usually let foxes in hen houses do they? How did that work out for Dick Hunt back in the 1980’s anyway? As far as this off-season, I have been scouring the KWGA landscape, looking for stories, getting familiar with the underbelly of this association and seeing how they tick. I found out that there are a lot of interpretations of “off-season golf preparation” in my travels. I don’t want to give too much away because that will be in the March Newsletter, but suffice it to say you won’t want to miss it.
Ford: Scoop, as always, great to see you again, any last thoughts?
Scoop: If Super Bowl Sunday is any indication, there may be some early season surprises atop the FEDEX Cup standings. I saw some golf swings and shots pulled off that day I had never seen before. You should have seen “The Fogg” and “The Hunchback” fire at sticks on Gerry’s simulator like they were free lap dances at Tootsie’s Cabaret. Unbelievable. This net scoring system is going to turn things on its head in 2015. I can’t wait to see some of them in pressure situations, harkening back on those old high school glory days for inspiration and comfort. It was hard for some of those guys lugging around 16 handicaps, trying to compete last season with the Double-Double’s and Maxwell’s of the world with gross scoring. I think 2015 will be like “Revenge of the Nerds- KWGA Style”. All we will be missing is Lavar, the nerd who threw the “bendy” javelin in the movie. Sorry, if that was uncomfortable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4azNzZTokYY&feature=youtu.be
Scoop will be posting further updates in the coming weeks, so check in on the website as the season draws closer.
PS…The Youtube video was posted as “private” and is not available to the general public…so no panic needed.
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