On a day that KenWo shone bright, Brent “Weasie” Locke shone the brightest, winning the 2016 KWGA Masters by two strokes over Arnie Telley-Kelley, eradicating a lifetime of short jokes and giving him his first Major Championship. The Halifax Co. debutante used a steely nerve and a string of pars to knock down all comers in a tournament that featured a record field of 22 KWGA Pros. No one could have predicted a green jacket for The Wease after a pair of flame outs to start his 2016 season. But flame outs are what this man is famous for…along with wrecking a BMW on a golf vacation, but I digress. “Making golf history was not something that I figured was ever in the cards for me. “said an overjoyed Weasie. “I figured maybe a 20 point buck or a 1,000 tuna, but not a Green Jacket. I didn’t even know they had my size, not to mention a tye-dyed t-shirt. I feel like the kids at my orphanage when I take them the Bill Lynch Fair! I’d trade in 100 stuffed bears for this green jacket any day.!

Weasie’s Masters began with three pars in his first four holes, ending in a Front Nine 40 that gave him a three stroke lead heading to the Back Nine. Pars at #10, #11 and #12 extended the lead to six strokes and all that stood between him and a green jacket was a meltdown of Greg Norman proportions. A double bogey at 14 showed the first chink in the armour and another double at #16 had some running for the woods to unload chunks. So there he stood, on the 18th tee with a 4 shot lead and Masters glory on the horizon. A skinny drive to the right left Weasie 199 yards from the green, a full hybrid to carry the daunting pond. As he stood over his shot, a voice within began to talk the KWGA’s Smiling Assassin out of his hybrid. IN a dramatic change of heart, out came the pitching wedge. However, the safety shot turned into near calamity. Weasie bladed his safety wedge and it top-spinned dangerously close to the pond’s edge. With the near disaster averted, another wedge left him pin high, but in the rough on the side bank. “I knew when I looked at that lie it wasn’t going to be easy.” said a relieved Locke. “I could have easily bladed that thing across the green and into the pond. I know it all wasn’t pretty but this is The Masters and it’s not going to be a cake walk getting it into the hole on #18. Thank God I was wearing depends. The Jacket Ceremony would have been embarrassing.” Weasie managed to chunk his chip out of the rough and then calmly lag a 22 footer to 2 inches and a 2 stroke victory. “This is the culmination of a lot of practice, patience and ultimately a lot of changed diapers. I can’t wait to defend my title next year.”

Weasie avoided his own “Tin Cup” moment on #18 Saturday by taking out the wedge.

Making a return to The Masters in a big way was Arnie Telley-Kelley. A man many had given no shot to win on Saturday. His 2016 season has been marred by injury and not much was expected. However, you can measure 6 irons, putts and distances to the flag but you can’t measure what is in a man’s heart. Against all odds, Telley-Kelley came out solid as a rock with pars at #1, #2 and #3 and adding another at #9 for a Front Nine 41. His Back Nine featured 5 pars and 4 bogies for an Inward 39 giving him a net 70 and runner-up finish. “I guess I turned back the clock a bit today. It was nice to be in the hunt again and play well on a big stage. I’ve been struggling to start the season but there are two more majors and many more tournaments to go, so I am not out of the FEDEX Cup playoffs yet. Nobody likes a pit bull attached to their ass and that’s exactly what I plan to be to some of those guys ahead of me. Weasie played a bit better than me today, so I tip my hat off to him. I am moving on to next week.” said Telley-Kelley. “I can’t wait to tee it up again.”

Grampy looked calm and relaxed as he teed off #1 at Saturday’s Masters.

Rounding out the Top 3 was none other than the KWGA Grandpa himself, Mr. Burke who was tied for the lead after a par at #13. However, double bogeys at #14 and #17 derailed a man on a mission of destruction. After a week of preparation in PEI, Grampy seemed razor sharp and the odds on favorite to win. “I think I overtrained. Too many rounds and cocktails on the Island.” said a disconsolate Grampy. “I think I faded a bit on the longer holes on the Back NIne and it cost me. Maybe one less rum a day would have served me well today but I gave it a good go today. It’s hard being the hunted all the time but it’s something I have to get used to. Heaven knows my VISA bill is hunted at home, so I should be well versed on how to deal with it.”

Tied with Grampy in 3rd was the Marathon Man Barry Bannister-Hennigar, a man who had won on Tour already in 2016 and was primed for a breakout win. Birdies at #13 and #17 gave hope that with a Weasie collapse there could be hope, alas, he came up short. “Listen, I am just happy when I can get out the door on a Saturday morning without anyone hanging off my legs. It’s not as easy as you think.” said a smiling Hennigar. “I had phone calls of support from Prescott, Woody and Trump, so I was fired up to play today. My start wasn’t good enough today but I think I did myself proud. Plus I won a sleeve of Pro V’s with a close approach to #13. My wife had cut off my Pro Shop account, so those balls are a welcome sight.”

CAPTAIN SHITACULAR? MORE LIKE CAPTAIN “CUT-OFF”

In a mathematical anomaly, The Commissioner and Captain Shitacular Levy simply couldn’t get away from each other at Saturday’s Masters…or should I say Levy just kept cutting him off! Both golfers started their rounds 5-3-4, both birdied #8 and #15 while Levy’s 2 iron to 7 feet on #15 bettered The Commissioner’s sand wedge to 8 feet. “A frustrating day to say the least.” said a beleaguered Commissioner. “I see the guy once a month and all he keeps doing is costing me money. To top it all off, I have to grit my teeth and smile at a guy like The Sheriff and hand him rang money for birdies at #6 and #12…#6 and #12 fellas!!!! You have to be lucky AND good to win rangs I guess. Go get some f*^^*&*& lottery tickets boys….QUICK!

A KWGA GOODBYE

Saturday’s Masters was the final tournament in 2016 for the KWGA’s whirling dervish Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin. Doug heads back to Germany to begin the European KWGA Tour with stops in Inverness, Cape Breton, The United Kingdom and finally back in God’s Country, Bavaria, Germany. 2016 was not a stellar season for Doug but thank-you for bringing your very unique brand of golf for us all to see. Also, thank-you for opening your home to us for a social BBQ. I was always curious to see the inside of that doll house buddy. Good luck with your upcoming season and hopefully it brings you a championship. Lastly, make sure you have plenty of warm milk and crackers for when Burkie visits…he gets gas at night and it helps him sleep. From all the boys in the KWGA we hope to see you again in 2017! Der Weg ist lang…aber das Warten is schlimmer.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”You don’t have to worry about sizing the Green Jacket for me today Mr. Commissioner.” ~Chris Rushton    The utterance came as Inspector Gadget and The Commissioner criss-crossed the 16th and 17th holes.

*Defending Masters Champion Nick Levy acquitted himself well. The New Minas bombshell won the Best Masters Outfit Award with his double lime green doosie. He also had two more birdies, giving him 5 birdies on Tour this season in just 3 events.*

*Fellas, we have been coming up short $2-6 dollars a week on the “kitty” and net prize money. It may not seem like much but that money is used to pay for our social events and our weekly winner. When you win and eat, you will want that money there. Make sure you bring a couple of loonies each week…it makes the math and my job so much easier. Thanks.

*A special thanks for Rene and his staff for their help this week in (a) giving us a deal on the Pro V’s for prizes and (b) Staff member Liam ran out and placed the closest to the hole markers on the course on short notice. Your help and continued support of the KWGA is greatly appreciated!!

*Also, a thank-you to Calvin and Randy who filled in the foursomes on short notice.

*Next Saturday July 2 is the Heritage Invitational. The sign-up boxes and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline is Monday Night at 9pm. Hope to see you all out again!

~The Commissioner

EVEN WHEN I LOSE…..I WIN