Don’t look now…but “Stella’s Got Her Groove Back”. After a two year hiatus from the KWGA winner’s circle, Double-Double Elliott was back in peak form, firing a gross 70 (net 65) to take Friday’s KWGA Men’s Club Championship by one stroke over a suddenly revitalized Telley-Kelley and the man formerly known as KK—K/Angry Bird. Double-Double negotiated his ball through a steady rain on the Front Nine like an Ibis through a hurricane, carding 6 birdies on the day. Gone was the consternation and frustration, replaced by a calm and poise that the KWGA had grown accustomed to during a dominant 2014 campaign. “I felt like Donald Trump out there today.” said a confident Double-Double. “Just busting guys chops for the fun of it and taking home gas money like the old days. My wife was starting to wonder why my Irving bill had been so much bigger the last couple summers. It felt good to fill the ole Ram 1500 up again.”

Putting was the name of Double-Double’s game Friday as the putts dropped from everywhere, starting on #1 with a 17 foot curler for birdie. Back to back jacks at #4 and #5 really got the snowball tumbling downhill and The Doublenator added another at #8, good for a an outward 33 gross giving him a 3 stroke lead. He then turned the back to back trick again at #15 and #16 with solid irons and tidy putts putting him in the driver’s seat heading into the last two holes. However, things would get interesting after an errant drive off #17 tee that found the pond on #18. “Most of us would panic in that situation.” said a wide-eyed Commissioner. “I was over there too and crapping my pants looking at that uphill shot over trees taller than Crowell Tower. Instead he fires one back up on #17 fairway and drains a 26 foot right to left bender for bogey.” With disaster avoided, Double-Double stepped to #18 tee leading by 3 strokes. Again, he found the pond lining #18 fairway with his second shot giving life to Telley-Kelley watching from the tee above. However, a stiffed wedge and 2 putts would be enough to hold off Telley-Kelley, who would need birdie to tie. “The last two holes were a bit scrapey.” said an exhausted Double-Double. “I have some areas to clean up heading into next week but you try staring down Telley-Kelley and an Angry Bird all day. It’s very scary! I am just happy that I got through this with my mental stability intact. That is victory in itself.”

Earning his second straight Top 3 Friday was Telley-Kelley, a man who has fought injury and Irwin Separation Anxiety through the first half of 2016 so much so that the Canadian Institute of Mental Health was forced to add the disorder to its list of diagnoses. Time and again Telley-Kelley found the green with rifled irons and solid 2 putts good for a gross 76 (net 66). He even threw in birdies at #5 and #12 that had his growing fan club clamouring for more. In full attack mode after hearing the news on #16 fairway that Double-Double was “on fire”, Telley-Kelley promptly parred the last two holes in what was almost dramatic fashion. “I can’t complain today. I hit the ball well and gave it the ole college try.” said a beaming but reserved Telley-Kelley. “Winning on Tour is hard. I know that first hand. 66 is good enough to win most weeks but today I needed one more birdie. I can tell I am close though and in peak form for the FEDEX Playoffs next week. If they haven’t taken notice now, Porter’s Trophy Shop will know when my name is inscribed on that trophy. It’s Kelley with an E…K-E-L-L-E-Y”

Friday also saw the continued strong play from the KWGA’s newly feathered friend in Mr. Wildcat, a man many consider to be the golfer in the “handicap sweet spot” the longest in 2016. His Front Nine 42 was less than pretty after a triple bogey at the Par 5 6th hole but still good enough to be -6 net heading into the Back Nine. Pars ar #10, #11, #15 and 16 with a birdie at the Par 5 14th meant feathers were littering the Back Nine. Tied with Double-Double standing on #18 tee all that was needed was par. However a disappointing bogey meant that the KWGA would have to hold off any Bird Dance celebration. “I have more names in this league than Elizabeth Taylor had in her life.” said a frustrated bird. “I did what I could with what I had for a golf swing out there today. I battled, scratched and clawed in the face of a mountain of birdies from Double-Double. It’s not easy watching that knowing you have to try and match in down the stretch. I think my game is ready for the FEDEX Playoffs and that’s the main thing I am taking from today. Now if you will excuse me, the KenWo Staff told me I need to go pick up all my feathers strewn across the fairways and greens.”

GUILTY-BOATING VIOLATION- Section 13 (c)

(GRAMPY, SIMMONS, WALDO)

KWGA members were warned several weeks ago to stay away from all boating and water-related activities after the “Mistake by the Lake” in Aylesford. Yet, three members still strayed from this warning Thursday, just one day before the final regular season event. It pains me to do this but all three members were issued sanctions by The Commissioner’s Office.

GRAMPY- 2 WEEKS PROBATION

( Leniency Granted- First Offense )

SIMMONS- 3 WEEKS PROBATION

(An extra Week- Owned the Boat/Knows Better)

WHERE’S WALDO- 8 WEEKS PROBATION

( Not His First Offense/Visual Evidence )

*Must Report to Probation Officer Weekly and submit to random testing

FEDEX PLAYOFFS

QUARTER-FINALS PREVIEW

#1 GRAMPY BURKE- Our beloved Grampy dominated the regular season with two wins and nine Top 3 finishes in 16 events. The feat rivals the dominance of Double-Double in the pre-net scoring era of 2014. Nobody is more consistent off the tee or better at Par 3 scoring than Grampy. He led the Tour in birdies with 23 and made mincemeat of the field on a consistent basis throughout the summer. However, some sub-par showings to end the season may be hiding a malaise of fatigue in his game. He will also be returning from Toronto at 1am early Saturday morning after an ill-timed hockey tourament adding to his fatigue. Can the scientific phenomenon shake all this off and advance? The deck seems stacked against him but to doubt is to be foolish.

#2 THE COMMISSIONER- A solid regular season was marred by his first winless season of his career. All The Commissioner could muster was a T1 at The Legends way back in May. However, the Major tournaments is where he made hay finishing 3rd at The Masters and 2nd at The Canadian Open giving hope to a man not short on sweat in the big events. On the downside, he missed last year’s playoffs with a back injury so it has been two full years since his last playoff. If the driver and wedge game is on he has a shot, if not, it’s back to watching and writing from the sidelines for the Semi-Finals.

#3 THE HUNCHBACK NEWCOMBE- The Hunchback came on like gangbusters in the season’s second half winning The Players Championship, tying for first at The Cheeseburger Picnic and tying for third at the Goodbye Ladies Championship in three consecutive weeks. The calm and poise seems to be back in his game after a spring of smoke and mirrors. However, Old-Timers Slob Ball and his wife’s return from world-wide travels have become major distractions to a man not known for his ability to concentrate on one thing very long. All that said, he is one of an elite group in the KWGA who can shoot a 63 net making him more than dangerous.

#4 AIR BUD WOODWORTH- Once he figured out all he had to do was show up each week and play half-decent, the playoffs finally became reality for the KWGA’s “Doctor of Destruction”. Like The Commissioner, Air Bud went winless in 2016 but steered his way into the playoffs with Top 3’s early in the season and ability to show up week after week. However, there will be doubters come Saturday as his best finish in the Majors was an 8th at The Players Championship. Does Air Bud have greatness in him…or is he just another stray dog? The Che Rocks will no doubt get a workout this week in preparation.

#5 INSPECTOR GADGET RUSHTON- Not even three weeks off to end the 2016 regular season could eject Gadget from qualifying for the playoffs. That’s just how good he was before leaving for his Family Camping Gypsy Conversion Tour. A win at The Heritage was followed by a T2 at The Players Championship and a final T3 kick in the teeth at The Cheeseburger Picnic. Just how well will this KWGA rookie play after a month layoff under the Tour’s most stressful and grueling stretch will be fun to watch…like an ant under a magnifying glass on a hot sunny day.

#6 TELLEY-KELLEY- The 2016 season’s “Feel Good” and “Comeback Story” of the year is no doubt Telley-Kelley. No golfer dealt with injury more than T-K in what can only be called a minor-miracle. Back straps, laser surgery, knee braces and multiple hot showers were a weekly occurrence just to get on the course making his late season charge up the standings that much more impressive. T-K returns to the playoffs after a semi-final appearance in 2014 and no golfer is frothing at the mouth silently to play well heading into this Saturday. We know the driver will be straight and consistent, the question will be will the irons and putter be razor sharp? If they are, we will see T-K in the semi-finals.

#7 MR. OCTOBER FISHER- A 2016 season of turmoil, change and propellor destruction meant Mr. October’s golf came a distant second. However, The Builder will look to change his late-season struggles into a dedicated run deep into the FEDEX Playoffs. A win at The Herbin Experience and multiple Top 3’s in the season’s first half shows that the ability is there and that par is his friend. Now that his Bromance has returned from Northern BC all seems right in the world once again. In fact, rumour has it his other male half has hired a special Costa Rican belly-dancer to help alleviate any stress heading into Saturday. That can only spell success.

#8 MR. WILDCAT/ANGRY BIRD- For the second straight season, Wiildcat enters the playoffs as an alternate. That’s like being hit by lightning twice. Last season he took advantage of his good fortune, riding it right to the FEDEX Final. The 2016 season has been all about redemption and the KWGA may pay the price once again. No 12 handicap has the ability to make as many birdies so danger lurks on any given day. He has been battle tested at the highest levels of baseball and golf so the FEDEX Playoffs are like making babies to him.

NOTE: Gary Johnson qualified but withdrew from the FEDEX Playoffs due to a nagging job.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”Geez Gerry, that looked like a golf shot!” -Commissioner

-Good luck in your next game Kevin….

-Next Saturday Gerry is opening his home for a backyard BBQ and swim. Spouses and significant others are invited. Please email if you plan to attend so that Gerry knows how much food to have. Thanks.

-ALL KWGA MEMBERS ARE REMINDED THAT EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO PLAY DURING THE FEDEX PLAYOFFS! There is still a tournament title and rangs up for grabs…so sign up to play!

See you this Saturday…FIRED UP!